Wedding Advice - WWYD if you could do it over?

[Anonymous]

Hi DCUM,

Well, I have just become a fiancee and am very happy. We have decided to plan for a wedding in December 2016 when we've managed to save up enough money with the help of our parents. It will be an Indian wedding so unfortunately our biggest concern is keeping down the costs! But we also don't want to become the bridezilla/groomzilla couple either. I'm already obsessing over the wedding favors, which relatives I can avoid inviting without offending my parents, how to design an inexpensive "Hindu wedding guide" card to give to the guests so that they understand the ceremonies, whether to have a buffet (typical for Indian weddings where there are 700+ guests) or a set menu where the guests are served, etc.

It's all very overwhelming and we're not wasting money on a wedding planner, so I'm glad we are giving ourselves more than a year to plan it all.

You don't need to give me specific advice on my wedding but I am more looking for your experiences with your own wedding and what you would have done differently. Are there guests you invited out of obligation but wish you hadn't? Did people even care about what kind of wedding favors they got? What did everyone argue most about?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

No, favors are stupid, keep it simple and within your comfort zone, and if your mother is insane like mine, appoint someone to keep her away from you when she goes berserk. I actually did all these things and my wedding was great.

[Anonymous]

I would have found a far, far better man to be my husband and the father of my children.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it's offensive, but one of the best weddings I went to was in December and they made use of the natural seasonal decorations during their celebration - lots and lots of tiny white lights all around, greenery, glittering guilded poinsettias, gold, snow themes. It was very pretty - and they created a magical scene while saving a lot of money. It turned out very elegant. They combined some buffet elements (salad, appetizer) with a sit down main course. About 200 people and they rented a lovely venue. White table clothes, draped chairs with gold bows. Just beautiful and they paid for it themselves without going into major debt.

[Anonymous]

I would have listened to my gut and pushed back against my stepmother much, much sooner than I did. She wanted me inviting friends of her parents (I'd met the parents once), and wanted me having a huge, traditional big American wedding, but with 125 of the guests being people for her. I wanted a wedding with under 100 people, small, intimate, unconventional. She was pushing me towards a six layer wedding cake all in white. A huge, pouffy white dress. I flew in cannoli from Little Italy in NYC, wore a short dress, etc.

[Anonymous]

Planned my own wedding too. Two regrets. Splurge on the photographer over everything else. Appoint a backup wedding planner (not you) to deal with the event day stuff, tipping caterers, etc... Not your Mom, but a close Aunt would be perfect.

Oh, and figure out your dress first before anything.

Congratulations!!

[Anonymous]

1) Use the website and book A Practical Wedding. Will keep you grounded when all you are reading is crazy OMG YOU HAVE TO HAVE ___ all the time.

2) Check out WeddingBee.com Another great resource of women who are down to earth about weddings.

3) As an Asian, I know how important it is to not lose face and embarrass your family (especially your Mom). So have meeting with her and find out what is most important to her. But also letting her know that she might not get everything she wants. In Project Managment it's called, Finding and Setting Stakeholder Expectations. Find her top 3 things that she cannot live without.

4) It's also important to know what your expectations are. So what I did was write down a list of all the parts of a wedding (dress, food, venue, flowers, rings, veil, shoes, invitations, etc). Then I found the top 10 most important, then the top 5. Then I ranked my top 3 things. And I used this as my guide as I made decisions. For instance, I was in a tizzy because I couldn't find an invitation that I liked that wasn't $10 per invite (once you included rsvp, envelope, etc). I was trying to decide if I should just suck it up and pay for it since I was having a small wedding and only needed like 50 invites. But I went back to my list and found that invites weren't in my top 10. Not worth paying that kind of money for something I originally didn't feel strongly about. So I found decent, but not perfect invitations on Zazzle. (Plus everyone just throws away invites, so why spend tons of money on them?)

But for my Mom, not running out of food was very important to her. A friend's daughter had a wedding where they ran out of food and years later they were still talking about it behind her back. So I spent waaaay to much money on my cocktail party to make sure we had enough passed h'ors d.

5) Pay good money for a good photographer or 2. That is the only tangible thing you have after the wedding. In the DC area plan for at least $2,500 (if you are lucky), but closer to $3,000+

6) Remember at the end of the day, nothing except one thing is important--not the food, the clothes, the venue, the flowers, nothing except You and the Groom saying I DO. For that all you need is a License, officiant, witness, you and groom. Everything else is gravy. You and your Groom decide what gravy is important and worth paying for and what isn't. Don't let family or magazines tell you otherwise.

Good Luck and have fun!

[Anonymous]

Our favors were simple and great. I'd spend less time and money on flowers and more on photography.

[Anonymous]

Keep the venue close to the hotel(s)

Inspect a sample of the flowers beforehand. This oversight almost gave me a bridezilla moment and I was quite chill otherwise.

Find a babysitter for anyone who wants to use one for some or all, and connect out of town guests up with this pre-vetted person.

Don't skimp on the photographer.

Congratulations!!

[Anonymous]

Pick a photographer who you feel finds you beautiful, not just a great photographer. Invite anyone who you want to remain in touch with over the years and it will seem strange that they weren't there at your wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Planned my own wedding too. Two regrets. Splurge on the photographer over everything else. Appoint a backup wedding planner (not you) to deal with the event day stuff, tipping caterers, etc... Not your Mom, but a close Aunt would be perfect.

Oh, and figure out your dress first before anything.

Congratulations!!

15:42 Here-- Totally agree with having a Day Of coordinator. Doesn't have to be a paid person, but someone in your family or bridal party that can take care of things the Day Of. (Although you can pay for one, and with 700 people, it might be worth it). My MOH is a meeting planner, so I trusted her and her judgment. After we set up, I told everyone, "MOH is now in charge. Any problems or questions go to her. My job now is to enjoy my wedding day." Then I told MOH, "Whatever decision you make, I will back you up 100%. I trust you and your decisions making." Then make sure you let go of control. Once the day is here, nothing you can do but enjoy whatever happens.

[Anonymous]

We had too much crap on our registry.

[Anonymous]

How many guests are you planning? Was 700+ an example or how many you will be entertaining?

[Anonymous]

Oh I have thought about this so much OP:

1. Make sure the spouse you have picked is appropriate.

2. What do people remember most about weddings? If the bride looked crappy and the DJ was bad. So make sure those things don't happen!

3. The photographer is also very important, as pps stated. Everything except this and the above you can go cheap. But make sure you're pretty, the DJ is good, and the photographer is good.

4. Don't give up too easily on your dreams. I always wanted a small, simple wedding but DH's parents wanted to invite everyone they knew. I let it go because I didn't want a fight but sometimes I wished I hadn't. Don't be a bridezilla but don't be afraid to assert yourself.

[Anonymous]

Favors don't matter. Most people throw them away. Something consumable is nice.

Most things really don't matter. The day will be over in a flash and you'll feel silly for having spent so much time and arguing with others over details. If family members offer to help with favors, flowers, wedding guide, whatever, try to accept their help graciously because at the end of the day, none of these things really matter whereas your relationships with these people do.

Focus less on the wedding and more on the marriage. You'll have a much better start if you don't overspend and you stay humble and keep strong relationships with your fiance or family.