Take Custody of Cousin or No?

[Anonymous]

Long story short: generations of family dysfunction. I was literally the only one to break free and create a good life for myself and children. The children are now all in college so the nest is empty.

The great news is that I love the empty nest. I'm dating, able to go away for romantic weekends, and I've made strides professionally.

There's a soon to be 13 yo cousin who's been abandoned by her mom since birth. The grandmother who had custody seriously bungled raising her own 4 (who includes the cousin's deadbeat mom). All 4 are felons, not one diploma between them....

The little cousin seems like a sweet girl when I'm around. But she clearly has anger issues--fighting in school, always suspended, even assaulted a teacher. She did something to her grandmother (cussed at or hit her), so she sent her to live with her sister. Well, the sister's not too much better as she seems to always and obviously favor her young daughter over the niece.

The poor kid would do well to be away from all the negativity and chaos. I live several hours away in total peace and quiet. That's part of my concern. I can't have my workday interrupted with calls from school about fighting.

Chances are she may turn over a new leaf once removed from the dysfunction, poverty and uninhabitable living conditions.

I also selfishly want to finally enjoy living for me now. I also worry about finances. I have 2 kids in college and make too much for any type of assistance. And I know the bio mother and grandmother won't provide support. On the other hand, how expensive can she be?

Debating: Take in the cousin or continue to keep my life as stress free as possible?

[Anonymous]

You may be able to get some cash assistance and medical assistance depending on where you live and how the custody agreement is.

She has had 13 years to get to be the person she is. You aren't going to save, fix our cure her right away. But, with patience, strong parenting, etc. you may be able to make a positive impact. If you are concerned about work, it may not work out. She's probably going to need a lot of services, including an IEP and you getting her a full evaluation to see where she is at academically and what ever help she needs from tutoring to therapy. How expensive can it be... very. However, the benefits if you are successful far outweigh the financial costs.

[Anonymous]

OP: I'm also concerned about not being able to fully supervise. I leave for my commute very early so it would be up to her to get up, ready and out to the bus on time as a middle schooler. (I was there to see my 2 off to school...did not start commuting until the last one went off to college.) and I won't get home until after her--5ish at the earliest I guess.

[Anonymous]

How about a short term commitment?

Try it out for a month, preferably 2, over the summer.

If it works out then you can offer her a more permanent solution but for now, offer her a stable place to spend the summer.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I say try having her for a week or two, and seeing if she shows potential to be better at dealing with her anger. If you think she does, have a talk with her about the idea of living with you.

You have to accept she IS going to get in trouble with you and your life WILL be disrupted. You may be able to get her into therapy and that may lessen in intensity and she may learn better ways to express her anger. But if she gets to you and feels it's a safe place, that's the perfect environment to unload a ton of anger.

[Anonymous]

Great advice all about the summer/short term period. I also need to gauge family reaction. One thing a relative pointed out when I ran this idea by her today is that bio mom (yeah, the one who never wanted her) will likely give me hell.

Don't understand the question about why I'm in position to date, what it has to do with my college aged kids OR this topic.

But that's okay. There are tons of unhappy people who must try to find something...anything wrong with another person in order to make themselves feel better. I understand. Sad.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Can you take for at least the summer? You might be able to enroll her in a camp during the day, maybe at a near by church? This kid needs a life line of some sort.

I'm so happy for you that you have so much contentment in your life, but you sound like a caregiver at heart and probably wouldn't be truly happy unless you were caring for someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Can you take for at least the summer? You might be able to enroll her in a camp during the day, maybe at a near by church? This kid needs a life line of some sort.

I'm so happy for you that you have so much contentment in your life, but you sound like a caregiver at heart and probably wouldn't be truly happy unless you were caring for someone.

I definitely like the summer idea. She would need time to transition.

The youngest did tell me that I needed to get a pet so I'd have something to love on once they were gone. I think everyone was surprised at how quickly I took to my newfound freedom. Herein lies a great deal of my dilemma.

[Anonymous]

Your teenager cousin sounds like she could be a handful. If you are going to take her in, then be prepared to give her the attention that she will likely need.

If you don't have the flexibility to leave work if she has adjustment problems, etc., then it might not be a suitable arrangement for you. It would suck to take her for a short while and then have to send her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your teenager cousin sounds like she could be a handful. If you are going to take her in, then be prepared to give her the attention that she will likely need.

If you don't have the flexibility to leave work if she has adjustment problems, etc., then it might not be a suitable arrangement for you. It would suck to take her for a short while and then have to send her back.

This. Plus the reality that she likely needs really intensive therapy and might also need help with academics. She is a kid not an adult and just plunking her down in a quiet, peaceful area won't make everything better.

I get that you want to help but your approach is flawed. Visit her regularly at her home during this summer and over the year and build a relationship with her. Let her know you are someone she can count on and talk to. Next summer invite her to stay with you.

[Anonymous]

Given her background/age/problems and your work schedule, I would not. I don't think you're able to make the kind of time commitment she needs, and I think she is going to be far more of a handful than you can imagine. It sounds like you're enjoying this phase of your life. Unless you're willing to put that all on the far, far backburner, I don't think this arrangement will work and I think it will be one more failed home for her.

You're a good person for considering it, but I think you'd be getting in over your head. You made a good life for you and your children, but you got to start with your children from birth. Starting from a troubled 13 year old is a totally different ball game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given her background/age/problems and your work schedule, I would not. I don't think you're able to make the kind of time commitment she needs, and I think she is going to be far more of a handful than you can imagine. It sounds like you're enjoying this phase of your life. Unless you're willing to put that all on the far, far backburner, I don't think this arrangement will work and I think it will be one more failed home for her.

You're a good person for considering it, but I think you'd be getting in over your head. You made a good life for you and your children, but you got to start with your children from birth. Starting from a troubled 13 year old is a totally different ball game.

+1. Plus, inviting the cousin into your world will inevitably invite the other relatives in too, who you've worked to create distance from (the child's mother, the grandmother, the grandmother's sister.)Just wait until the felon cousins start showing up at your house, seeing you as a soft target to exploit and steal from.

[Anonymous]

The poor kid would do well to be away from all the negativity and chaos. I live several hours away in total peace and quiet. That's part of my concern. I can't have my workday interrupted with calls from school about fighting.

Chances are she may turn over a new leaf once removed from the dysfunction, poverty and uninhabitable living conditions.

I also selfishly want to finally enjoy living for me now. I also worry about finances.

OP, I don't have time to read through the whole thread, but wanted to comment. I've been a foster and am an adoptive parent to kids who were difficult in the beginning. Turning over a new leaf is definitely possible, but won't occur overnight and will take your time and energy and will interrupt your workday both with calls and with demands that you pick her up and/or come to meetings. The first days/weeks can be a nice honeymoon period where you may be deluded into thinking that things are going to be easy. But, invariably all hell breaks loose. Over time and with support and maybe intervention, it usually gets better, but not always and it takes years, not days, weeks or months.

You don't mention things like whether her parents drank or used drugs during pregnancy and how she does in school. If these are issues, you are in for more than behaviors. The education system for kids with special needs is time consuming and requires me to take about the equivalent of more than two days off per kid per year (in couple of hour spurts at a time) with all of the meetings I have to make my kids successful. And, there is the issue of what happens after high school, because if she is not doing well and getting into fights and assaulting teachers, she is probably not on a career path - which is another thing you will need to address. Where does she go after age 18 if she hasn't learned to support herself or gotten herself on a track to get a job that can support her.

As to finances, yes girls are expensive. Food alone is a few hundred a week. Then there are clothes, driving lessons, activities, health insurance, etc. Unless she is in the foster system, there isn't likely money to compensate you, but you've already realized that.

Finally, you say you have successfully raised two kids to college age. Congratulations, but this experience is not likely to be anything like the one you will have with your cousin if you make this decision.

I know I sound negative, but I'm not trying to be. I've done what you are proposing three times and am a big part of the adoptive and foster care community. I don't regret my decision to do this, but I went in with my eyes wide open and I was ready for it. Even still, I distinctly remember realizing that at least one of my kids isn't going to college and I need to help him get on a career path. I think everyone who does this should go in with realistic expectations and also with the knowledge that if she fails at your house and you send her away, you may have done more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The poor kid would do well to be away from all the negativity and chaos. I live several hours away in total peace and quiet. That's part of my concern. I can't have my workday interrupted with calls from school about fighting.

Chances are she may turn over a new leaf once removed from the dysfunction, poverty and uninhabitable living conditions.

I also selfishly want to finally enjoy living for me now. I also worry about finances.

OP, I don't have time to read through the whole thread, but wanted to comment. I've been a foster and am an adoptive parent to kids who were difficult in the beginning. Turning over a new leaf is definitely possible, but won't occur overnight and will take your time and energy and will interrupt your workday both with calls and with demands that you pick her up and/or come to meetings. The first days/weeks can be a nice honeymoon period where you may be deluded into thinking that things are going to be easy. But, invariably all hell breaks loose. Over time and with support and maybe intervention, it usually gets better, but not always and it takes years, not days, weeks or months.

You don't mention things like whether her parents drank or used drugs during pregnancy and how she does in school. If these are issues, you are in for more than behaviors. The education system for kids with special needs is time consuming and requires me to take about the equivalent of more than two days off per kid per year (in couple of hour spurts at a time) with all of the meetings I have to make my kids successful. And, there is the issue of what happens after high school, because if she is not doing well and getting into fights and assaulting teachers, she is probably not on a career path - which is another thing you will need to address. Where does she go after age 18 if she hasn't learned to support herself or gotten herself on a track to get a job that can support her.

As to finances, yes girls are expensive. Food alone is a few hundred a week. Then there are clothes, driving lessons, activities, health insurance, etc. Unless she is in the foster system, there isn't likely money to compensate you, but you've already realized that.

Finally, you say you have successfully raised two kids to college age. Congratulations, but this experience is not likely to be anything like the one you will have with your cousin if you make this decision.

I know I sound negative, but I'm not trying to be. I've done what you are proposing three times and am a big part of the adoptive and foster care community. I don't regret my decision to do this, but I went in with my eyes wide open and I was ready for it. Even still, I distinctly remember realizing that at least one of my kids isn't going to college and I need to help him get on a career path. I think everyone who does this should go in with realistic expectations and also with the knowledge that if she fails at your house and you send her away, you may have done more harm than good.

Please, please listen to this person. Too many people in your shoes go into these situations with good intentions but unrealistic expectations for how/when the child will change, and either everyone becomes miserable or the child is shipping off to yet another house, and you become one more person who has abandoned her. Don't go into this needing her to change right away, only do it if you can accept that she may never change.

[Anonymous]

Op, good luck to you woth your decision. Sounds like your young relative needs a force of stability in her life and it is commendable that you are figuring out if that firce will be you.
Huge committment but likely well worth it. This situation has happened in my extended family and the individual is doing well, he has always been appreciative and done well in school. Even as a young child, he seemed to be just craving a stable life, once he got that, he settled in. Family took care of him together, summers with an aunt, school year with another relative, not being shifted around but sharing the responsibility.
Seems as though you want to give it an honest try, would you regret not trying?
What do your grown children say?