Reply to Take Custody of Cousin or No?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]The poor kid would do well to be away from all the negativity and chaos. I live several hours away in total peace and quiet. That's part of my concern. I can't have my workday interrupted with calls from school about fighting.

Chances are she may turn over a new leaf once removed from the dysfunction, poverty and uninhabitable living conditions.

I also selfishly want to finally enjoy living for me now. I also worry about finances.[/quote]

OP, I don't have time to read through the whole thread, but wanted to comment.  I've been a foster and am an adoptive parent to kids who were difficult in the beginning.  Turning over a new leaf is definitely possible, but won't occur overnight and will take your time and energy and will interrupt your workday both with calls and with demands that you pick her up and/or come to meetings.  The first days/weeks can be a nice honeymoon period where you may be deluded into thinking that things are going to be easy.  But, invariably all hell breaks loose.  Over time and with support and maybe intervention, it usually gets better, but not always and it takes years, not days, weeks or months.

You don't mention things like whether her parents drank or used drugs during pregnancy and how she does in school.  If these are issues, you are in for more than behaviors.  The education system for kids with special needs is time consuming and requires me to take about the equivalent of more than two days off per kid per year (in couple of hour spurts at a time) with all of the meetings I have to make my kids successful.  And, there is the issue of what happens after high school, because if she is not doing well and getting into fights and assaulting teachers, she is probably not on a career path - which is another thing you will need to address.  Where does she go after age 18 if she hasn't learned to support herself or gotten herself on a track to get a job that can support her.

As to finances, yes girls are expensive.  Food alone is a few hundred a week.  Then there are clothes, driving lessons, activities, health insurance, etc.  Unless she is in the foster system, there isn't likely money to compensate you, but you've already realized that.

Finally, you say you have successfully raised two kids to college age.  Congratulations, but this experience is not likely to be anything like the one you will have with your cousin if you make this decision.

I know I sound negative, but I'm not trying to be.  I've done what you are proposing three times and am a big part of the adoptive and foster care community.  I don't regret my decision to do this, but I went in with my eyes wide open and I was ready for it.  Even still, I distinctly remember realizing that at least one of my kids isn't going to college and I need to help him get on a career path.  I think everyone who does this should go in with realistic expectations and also with the knowledge that if she fails at your house and you send her away, you may have done more harm than good.  [/quote]

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