Take Custody of Cousin or No?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The poor kid would do well to be away from all the negativity and chaos. I live several hours away in total peace and quiet. That's part of my concern. I can't have my workday interrupted with calls from school about fighting.

Chances are she may turn over a new leaf once removed from the dysfunction, poverty and uninhabitable living conditions.

I also selfishly want to finally enjoy living for me now. I also worry about finances.

OP, I don't have time to read through the whole thread, but wanted to comment. I've been a foster and am an adoptive parent to kids who were difficult in the beginning. Turning over a new leaf is definitely possible, but won't occur overnight and will take your time and energy and will interrupt your workday both with calls and with demands that you pick her up and/or come to meetings. The first days/weeks can be a nice honeymoon period where you may be deluded into thinking that things are going to be easy. But, invariably all hell breaks loose. Over time and with support and maybe intervention, it usually gets better, but not always and it takes years, not days, weeks or months.

You don't mention things like whether her parents drank or used drugs during pregnancy and how she does in school. If these are issues, you are in for more than behaviors. The education system for kids with special needs is time consuming and requires me to take about the equivalent of more than two days off per kid per year (in couple of hour spurts at a time) with all of the meetings I have to make my kids successful. And, there is the issue of what happens after high school, because if she is not doing well and getting into fights and assaulting teachers, she is probably not on a career path - which is another thing you will need to address. Where does she go after age 18 if she hasn't learned to support herself or gotten herself on a track to get a job that can support her.

As to finances, yes girls are expensive. Food alone is a few hundred a week. Then there are clothes, driving lessons, activities, health insurance, etc. Unless she is in the foster system, there isn't likely money to compensate you, but you've already realized that.

Finally, you say you have successfully raised two kids to college age. Congratulations, but this experience is not likely to be anything like the one you will have with your cousin if you make this decision.

I know I sound negative, but I'm not trying to be. I've done what you are proposing three times and am a big part of the adoptive and foster care community. I don't regret my decision to do this, but I went in with my eyes wide open and I was ready for it. Even still, I distinctly remember realizing that at least one of my kids isn't going to college and I need to help him get on a career path. I think everyone who does this should go in with realistic expectations and also with the knowledge that if she fails at your house and you send her away, you may have done more harm than good.

Thank you for sharing from a personal been there done that perspective. You raise wonderful points.

As one poster said, this girl will need a lifeline. Perhaps I could be that without absolutely disrupting her and my lives. Because the truth is that I have never had and will NEVER have patience with drama. I will drop her back off at home after the 2nd fight/call from school. And as many have pointed out, that would just be one more layer of abandonment to add to her issue. I also realize she'll need the time and attention I won't be able to give her before and right after school. The thought of her being left unattended while I work late when she needs an adult there who can help her process her day, help with/check homework is scary. I'd like to be there all in for at least her 1st year/semester to oversee and help her establish a successful routine.

I think I'll begin with just being more involved and having her spend a couple of weeks over the summers. I'm planning to take 2 weeks off to have her (and maybe two of her close in age cousins) come hang out for fun times. I told my I'll have someone to do fun kid stuff with again-water parks, amusement parks etc.

Maybe next summer it'll just be her for a longer period with a few organized camps.

Thanks to all who replied so thoughtfully and reminded me of the realities vs the bleeding heart thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, good luck to you woth your decision. Sounds like your young relative needs a force of stability in her life and it is commendable that you are figuring out if that firce will be you.
Huge committment but likely well worth it. This situation has happened in my extended family and the individual is doing well, he has always been appreciative and done well in school. Even as a young child, he seemed to be just craving a stable life, once he got that, he settled in. Family took care of him together, summers with an aunt, school year with another relative, not being shifted around but sharing the responsibility.
Seems as though you want to give it an honest try, would you regret not trying?
What do your grown children say?

My children said all the same things you guys did. First it was an enthusiastic DO IT! Then it was, "Wait. She's how old now?" 12 and headding into middle school=a bit too far gone, especially when I'll be unable to provide long hours of supervision. They also suggested summer--but only with tightly scheduled activities.

The conversation was truly like reading these responses. It's as if you guys provided them with a script that the decided to recite.

[Anonymous]

I would not take in a teenage girl with behavioral issues, especially if I wasn't home most of the day to supervise and make sure she didn't get into trouble.

[Anonymous]

Let us know how it goes. On one hand you have the potential to be the change this girl needs, on the other hand she has the potential to really mess up your life. It could go either way depending on her personality.

I have a friend w/ three kids. One was getting into trouble, so she went to live with her aunt (also a friend of mine) about 3-4-5 years ago (I don't remember now it's been so long) and she just graduated from high school. In her case her aunt provided structure and attention that she needed. Her mom and aunt were also raised deep in poverty and while none of them are by any means wealthy, probably working class would best describe them, but they made better lives for themselves and did what they could to help the next generation as well.

Good luck in whatever you decide and good luck to your cousin as well. I hope she finds a glimmer of hope she can hang on to in order to make a good life for herself.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you've decided on having your young cousin out for some weeks in the summer and starting to build up a relationship -- good move. ANY role you can play in her life is going to be positive for her. And your embrace of the realities that others have posted about on here shows that you're thinking this through objectively.

I would suggest that you find out (not sure how, if the adults in her life don't know her well as a person....) what most interests her, and see if you can find some camps or shorter workshops she could attend while with you. It's very late in the game to find summer classes or camps that aren't already full, but you might find some activities. When I say camp, I don't necessarily mean outdoor camp either -- For instance, if she is into, say, drawing and paining, see if you can find a one-week, half-day art "camp" in the area. That way she has half a day for five days of being the teen artist, and meeting other teens and tweens who are into art like she is. They won't know any of her baggage and she'll get to exercise her art (or drama or dance or sport or robotics or what the heck ever) and then have the rest of the day and evening with you. The idea, to me, is giving her a place to engage in an interest purely for fun and not for a grade; to do something without being judged by a teacher or by a relative; a place to be the person she wants to present to that group, because no one there knows her as "the girl who hit her grandma" or "the kid with all those issues in school."

Might be more of a useful option next summer rather than this summer. Meanwhile, yes, do take her to the myriad things to do in this area and find out what she likes best.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Painting, not "paining"! Let's hope there's no pain involved!....

OP, you're going to do fine here. She can't be reached overnight or even in a summer, but you can start to make her feel someone has her back. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

One very practical thing you can do is to get her on birth control soon. If she is so rebellious she might start having sex earlier than ideal just to upset everyone.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing from a personal been there done that perspective. You raise wonderful points.


I think I'll begin with just being more involved and having her spend a couple of weeks over the summers. I'm planning to take 2 weeks off to have her (and maybe two of her close in age cousins) come hang out for fun times. I told my I'll have someone to do fun kid stuff with again-water parks, amusement parks etc.

Maybe next summer it'll just be her for a longer period with a few organized camps.

Thanks to all who replied so thoughtfully and reminded me of the realities vs the bleeding heart thing.

OP, it's me again. You're welcome. I think you can make a big difference just by being involved. I come from a similar family background and for me, it's a niece in whose life I intervened in. If you're interested, some ideas that I had, besides the ones you've mentioned are that I sent cards for every single stupid occasion - Valentine's, St. Patrick's, Halloween, Thanksgiving, July 4th . . . And I always included a small treat - heart shaped erasers, chocolates taped to the card, a book mark, holiday pencil, etc. Because I knew they had no money, I tried to buy her some things that really matter to kids, which varied by age - like brand name jeans or certain toys that all of the kids had except her, dresses for special occasions. There were times where I knew that my niece wasn't eating so I paid for the school lunches. I also shopped for groceries with her and bought her breakfast and lunch foods before I dropped her off. I bought her winter coats. I took her to her first trip to NYC.

Another thing I did was that each time we had a special event (and I use the term special very loosely), I created a some photo album pages. Many years after she grew up, we took a trip and she brought the photo albums with her so we could look at them.

There are so many things you can do to let your cousin know she matters and that you care. I admire you for stepping in.