Making Friends While Couple/Family

[Anonymous]

we have lived in DC for a while, but moved here mid career so no college friends here nor 1st job friends (unattached 20 years working together there build friendships at happy hour and after work, seems like a way people start out friends here).

we are a little atypical couple on that the DH is very outgoing and involved in kids activities and dw is more introverted (though even more involved in kids activities and school).

But we noticed that we don't seem to make any deeper friends with families we meet, even if we invite them to dinner or to meet at a park. We see no reciprocation. We recognize we may be boring, but also wonder if our dynamic is off. Most out families we see together it's generally the moms friendship bringing the families together; coordinating and socializing, and the moms will often meet individually (moms lunch!). DH friendships tend to
be just the men meeting for golf or poker or sports.

So our question is this; since the parent in our family that is more likely to initiate friendship is the DH but generally it's the moms who are at kid events and such (we almost never see the dads), will that be a barrier to making family friendship? I mean DH in our family really can't meet one of our DC's moms alone for lunch but the other families dad is always working. The coordinating between the moms that goes in a shook or group or just he chit chat; do they feel uncomfortable if a dad dives in or does it feel out of place or like the dad is flirting by being friendly? You know the Harry met Sally - men and women can never be friends; does that apply to moms and dads?

Hope this makes sense, trying to see why we feel like square pegs here.

[Anonymous]

Are your DCs school age yet? I found once our kids were in public school, making friends was more natural. Both moms and dads saw a lot of each other at school events, local sports, etc. Prior to that, friendships seemed more forced.

There certainly is some mom socializing, but at least in our crowd, dads reaching out to other families is certainly not unheard of. I initiate most invites, but DH occassionally does some social coordinating and other moms will text both of us about making plans. Dads in our crowd are pretty involved parents and I don't really think twice about them chatting me up or DH doing the same with other moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your DCs school age yet? I found once our kids were in public school, making friends was more natural. Both moms and dads saw a lot of each other at school events, local sports, etc. Prior to that, friendships seemed more forced.

There certainly is some mom socializing, but at least in our crowd, dads reaching out to other families is certainly not unheard of. I initiate most invites, but DH occassionally does some social coordinating and other moms will text both of us about making plans. Dads in our crowd are pretty involved parents and I don't really think twice about them chatting me up or DH doing the same with other moms.

School age, yes. How does it go if DW is kind of quiet or always tending to the kids/meals rather involved in adult conversation? We never go out as just couples too; kids are always in tow. Do other families get together sans kids?

As for email DW still gets plenty of singular correspondence with DH not cc:

[Anonymous]

Yes, we often go out without kids. I'm sorry to say, but we don't really hang out with people who won't get sitters.

[Anonymous]

OP, unlike you I do have college and longtime job friends in the area. But, truthfully, I don't see them much. Even though we all have kids now, we live in different neighborhoods, our kids go to different schools and, like many people in the DC area, we all lead busy lives. So I "feel" like I have a lot of friends around -- but I almost never see them.

DW and I have become friendly with other parents who we meet through the friends of our kids. But basically that means that you have someone to talk to at kids' birthday parties and at the neighborhood Easter Egg hunt. We just haven't found these parent-to-parent friendships to be as enriching as the friendships we made earlier in life. But, then again, we have less time to devote to them, because even if we all have kids in common, that means we all have kids -- and kids take up most of your time.

[Anonymous]

I think when it comes to organizing get together that involve kids, the mom is the logistics coordinator/keeper of the schedule for most families. So even if your DH is the more outgoing one, I think it would fall on you for the follow-up. My DH is pretty involved with the kids and both of us are friendly with the other parents at soccer. This year we had done more of the divide and conquer versus both of us going to every soccer game for both kids. DH told me, hey, you need to go to the younger daughter's games because that is where all the play dates and sleepover plans are happening among the moms. I went to the next game and our daughter got included in last minute play date plans and another we ended up with last minute sleepover plans.

Now talking couples friendships, that is a lot trickier because both spouses on both sides have to get along well. I don't know if you ever watch King of Queens but I think there was an episode where Carrie and Doug try to find the perfect couple to be their friend to replace Deegan and Kelly that was really funny highlighting the problem with both spouses on both sides agreeing. Usually, but not always, I think one person becomes good friends thru work outside activities, college, etc and then pulls in the spouses and if the spouses click they become couples friends. If your DH is the more outgoing one, the answer may be that he finds good guy friends and when there are superbowl parties or socializing with other families you are friendly. You don't have to be best buds with the spouses. It just can't be awkward and has to be enjoyable enough that the DH's friend's spouse would rather socialize all together than suggest to that she be left out of the mix. I think of a relative by marriage that it is like pulling teeth to get her to answer a conversational question, usually one word answers and never asks us any follow up questions. I am left with the impression that she doesn't like us. I am also assuming she isn't like this with her friends and family. If someone that was a potential couples friend was the same way, I would choose not to do couples things with them. We don't have a choice about family but we do with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when it comes to organizing get together that involve kids, the mom is the logistics coordinator/keeper of the schedule for most families. So even if your DH is the more outgoing one, I think it would fall on you for the follow-up. My DH is pretty involved with the kids and both of us are friendly with the other parents at soccer. This year we had done more of the divide and conquer versus both of us going to every soccer game for both kids. DH told me, hey, you need to go to the younger daughter's games because that is where all the play dates and sleepover plans are happening among the moms. I went to the next game and our daughter got included in last minute play date plans and another we ended up with last minute sleepover plans.

Now talking couples friendships, that is a lot trickier because both spouses on both sides have to get along well. I don't know if you ever watch King of Queens but I think there was an episode where Carrie and Doug try to find the perfect couple to be their friend to replace Deegan and Kelly that was really funny highlighting the problem with both spouses on both sides agreeing. Usually, but not always, I think one person becomes good friends thru work outside activities, college, etc and then pulls in the spouses and if the spouses click they become couples friends. If your DH is the more outgoing one, the answer may be that he finds good guy friends and when there are superbowl parties or socializing with other families you are friendly. You don't have to be best buds with the spouses. It just can't be awkward and has to be enjoyable enough that the DH's friend's spouse would rather socialize all together than suggest to that she be left out of the mix. I think of a relative by marriage that it is like pulling teeth to get her to answer a conversational question, usually one word answers and never asks us any follow up questions. I am left with the impression that she doesn't like us. I am also assuming she isn't like this with her friends and family. If someone that was a potential couples friend was the same way, I would choose not to do couples things with them. We don't have a choice about family but we do with friends.

Why did your DH not arrange play dates and sleepovers at soccer games? Were the moms excluding him somehow or does he just defer to you regardless of proximity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we often go out without kids. I'm sorry to say, but we don't really hang out with people who won't get sitters.

Is this a common philosophy? Do most parents hire sitters and go out? I guess moreover can any families who don't have regular sitters share how they build their friendships -- or is that just not happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we often go out without kids. I'm sorry to say, but we don't really hang out with people who won't get sitters.

Is this a common philosophy? Do most parents hire sitters and go out? I guess moreover can any families who don't have regular sitters share how they build their friendships -- or is that just not happening?

How are you supposed to really get to know other adults with a bunch of kids running around? You have to filter yourself and your attention is often elsewhere.

In my obervations, people who don't or won't socialize without their kids in tow, really don't do much socializing. Just this week, we are going out Thursday night with 3 other couples. All of us have kids. All of us are leaving the kids at home with sitters. We are going to have a some drinks at a place that has a live band and eat dinner. It is fine to get the kids together on a Sunday afternoon for a BBQ, but it's much better to go out without the kids.

WE have large social circle and I can't think of one family who does not use sitters. I do "know" some people who don't use sitters, but don't hang out with them. I generally find people who won't use sitters a bit strange.

[Anonymous]

So our takeaway is that the problem is we never plan adult outing without kids?

We also don't really get family outings invites or play dates; the DH being the family coordinator shouldn't be an issue in getting in the mom-loop? We have folks over but never get reciprocated but maybe it's b/c we aren't friends with parents?

This is worse than dating! So many moving parts and parties...

[Anonymous]

I'm someone who doesn't want to get a sitter and also am lacking in the friend department. To me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes, it's hard to socialize if you always want to have your kids around. Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing. It's hard to find similar minded people to be friends with, especially if it's considered strange to not get a sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who doesn't want to get a sitter and also am lacking in the friend department. To me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes, it's hard to socialize if you always want to have your kids around. Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing. It's hard to find similar minded people to be friends with, especially if it's considered strange to not get a sitter.

Hah, this is us. Where do you, we are in Nova -- maybe there should be a meetup or moms group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who doesn't want to get a sitter and also am lacking in the friend department. To me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes, it's hard to socialize if you always want to have your kids around. Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing. It's hard to find similar minded people to be friends with, especially if it's considered strange to not get a sitter.

Not to derail, but your post is really offensive. My husband and I get a sitter almost every weekend. DD goes to bed at 7, so we are able feed, bathe, and put her to sleep, then go out with friends for the night without missing out in any time with DD. I understand this isn't doable for all families, but don't assume parents are putting their children on the back burner just because they get a babysitter and have a social life.

[Anonymous]

Yup - sitter often = kid gets the back burner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who doesn't want to get a sitter and also am lacking in the friend department. To me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes, it's hard to socialize if you always want to have your kids around. Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing. It's hard to find similar minded people to be friends with, especially if it's considered strange to not get a sitter.

Not to derail, but your post is really offensive. My husband and I get a sitter almost every weekend. DD goes to bed at 7, so we are able feed, bathe, and put her to sleep, then go out with friends for the night without missing out in any time with DD. I understand this isn't doable for all families, but don't assume parents are putting their children on the back burner just because they get a babysitter and have a social life.

I suspect PP has family night with kids, I know our 7 year old would baulk at 7pm bedtime on weekend. Some kids are night owls no matter how hard you try to keep schedule. Would you find it harder to head out if you knew your kids would be up for several more hours? Might also be working parent/SAHP divide, as working parents already feel like time with kids too limited.