Making Friends While Couple/Family

[Anonymous]

I have an 18 min commute and I'm in by 8. My kids school starts at 730.

Even if I was home at 6PM, I still would not feel one drop guilty for going out once a week and missing 2hrs with my kids. Building friendships will last long past when the kids leave the nest and it doesn't get any easier to meet new people as you get older. I meet a ton of people through my kids, but only form real relationships when I dedicate time outside of the kids to nurture those friendships.

Frankly, I think people a oddballs when they won't leave their kids with a sitter to hang out from time to time. It's a red flag to me that said person doesn't have much else going on in their lives and we probably won't have much in common.

You sound like a person who does not have much empathy for others, or much understanding that others may have different, and less fortunate circumstances than you. I have an hour and 15 minute commute because that was the job I could get after I was laid off from my prior company in downsizing three years ago. My kid's school starts at 8. I don't get home until 7pm. I see him for an hour and a half on most weekdays. I'm not going to miss that time more than very occasionally to get drinks or dinner with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have an 18 min commute and I'm in by 8. My kids school starts at 730.

Even if I was home at 6PM, I still would not feel one drop guilty for going out once a week and missing 2hrs with my kids. Building friendships will last long past when the kids leave the nest and it doesn't get any easier to meet new people as you get older. I meet a ton of people through my kids, but only form real relationships when I dedicate time outside of the kids to nurture those friendships.

Frankly, I think people a oddballs when they won't leave their kids with a sitter to hang out from time to time. It's a red flag to me that said person doesn't have much else going on in their lives and we probably won't have much in common.

You sound like a person who does not have much empathy for others, or much understanding that others may have different, and less fortunate circumstances than you. I have an hour and 15 minute commute because that was the job I could get after I was laid off from my prior company in downsizing three years ago. My kid's school starts at 8. I don't get home until 7pm. I see him for an hour and a half on most weekdays. I'm not going to miss that time more than very occasionally to get drinks or dinner with friends.

It is going to be hard for you to get empathy and understanding when you bitterly post (or agree with the following):

to me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes.....Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing.[b]

You are in the minority and are projecting your feelings of guilt because of your unique situation. Parents who nurture friendships oustide of their children's lives are not putting their social lives ahead of raising their children. That's dramatic and intentionally combative and your insecurity over your situation is pitifully transparent.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who doesn't want to get a sitter and also am lacking in the friend department. To me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes, it's hard to socialize if you always want to have your kids around. Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing. It's hard to find similar minded people to be friends with, especially if it's considered strange to not get a sitter.

I'm going out Thursday night at 630 PM with a few other couples. Our babysitter will put the kids to bed at their usual 830PM and I will miss 2hrs of their lives. You have serious emotional problems if missing 2hrs of your kids lives makes you feel like a bad parent.

I can see why you have no friends. You are neurotic. Who would want to hang out with you? What a bore to listen to you drone on about your magical snowflakes.

Not PP but it represents about 7% Of available time with their kids assuming working parents home at 6, bed at 8:30 and awake 14 hrs on weekend.

I assume you work part time or stay at home, BC a working parent going out at 6:30 would effectively not see their kid at all that day, just to meet some friends for drinks.

Do you not allow your kids to play with their friends outside? Because geeze..that could among to another 15% a week.

Well since 630 is dinner time, no. But u knew that. The point was that we already have limited time bc we both have to work -- do most working parents further wither down time with kids for friends? That wasn't meant as snark, was just showing that not insignificant amount of time especially if it means you don't see your kids all day, does that make sense?

Not all working parents put their careers before family. DH works from home and I'm home NLT 5PM. That's by design.

I guess we all have our priorities.

Would love to have telework job or one with short commute -- so now the key to having time for friends and kids is to find an easier job that pays the same bc, you know, mortgage et al. And I guess money for a sitter. Very bummed out, I must say.

Btw: 8.5 he workday. 45 min commute --> 9-5:30 + 0:45 + daycare pickup == 630 dinner. If you are home by 5 that is a very special job.

I have an 18 min commute and I'm in by 8. My kids school starts at 730.

Even if I was home at 6PM, I still would not feel one drop guilty for going out once a week and missing 2hrs with my kids. Building friendships will last long past when the kids leave the nest and it doesn't get any easier to meet new people as you get older. I meet a ton of people through my kids, but only form real relationships when I dedicate time outside of the kids to nurture those friendships.

Frankly, I think people a oddballs when they won't leave their kids with a sitter to hang out from time to time. It's a red flag to me that said person doesn't have much else going on in their lives and we probably won't have much in common.

I guess for us, it's not the missing the kids for 2 hrs -- it means missing the kids for the entire day; does that make sense? Would you make that same choice?

And when you do go out with the friends, do you go out as couples or do individual meetups? and generally it's moms meeting moms, dads meeting dads, and couples meeting couples. you never see moms meeting dads without their spouses unless their friendship predates the marriage??

it's tough, since in our family, dh is more social and happily goes out but at kid events all we meet are moms, so it seems it would awkward to suggest coffee with them sometime. dh's work is far from home (see long commute mentioned) and his coworkers are all two counties away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who doesn't want to get a sitter and also am lacking in the friend department. To me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes, it's hard to socialize if you always want to have your kids around. Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing. It's hard to find similar minded people to be friends with, especially if it's considered strange to not get a sitter.

I'm going out Thursday night at 630 PM with a few other couples. Our babysitter will put the kids to bed at their usual 830PM and I will miss 2hrs of their lives. You have serious emotional problems if missing 2hrs of your kids lives makes you feel like a bad parent.

I can see why you have no friends. You are neurotic. Who would want to hang out with you? What a bore to listen to you drone on about your magical snowflakes.

Not PP but it represents about 7% Of available time with their kids assuming working parents home at 6, bed at 8:30 and awake 14 hrs on weekend.

I assume you work part time or stay at home, BC a working parent going out at 6:30 would effectively not see their kid at all that day, just to meet some friends for drinks.

Do you not allow your kids to play with their friends outside? Because geeze..that could among to another 15% a week.

Well since 630 is dinner time, no. But u knew that. The point was that we already have limited time bc we both have to work -- do most working parents further wither down time with kids for friends? That wasn't meant as snark, was just showing that not insignificant amount of time especially if it means you don't see your kids all day, does that make sense?

Not all working parents put their careers before family. DH works from home and I'm home NLT 5PM. That's by design.

I guess we all have our priorities.

Would love to have telework job or one with short commute -- so now the key to having time for friends and kids is to find an easier job that pays the same bc, you know, mortgage et al. And I guess money for a sitter. Very bummed out, I must say.

Btw: 8.5 he workday. 45 min commute --> 9-5:30 + 0:45 + daycare pickup == 630 dinner. If you are home by 5 that is a very special job.

I have an 18 min commute and I'm in by 8. My kids school starts at 730.

Even if I was home at 6PM, I still would not feel one drop guilty for going out once a week and missing 2hrs with my kids. Building friendships will last long past when the kids leave the nest and it doesn't get any easier to meet new people as you get older. I meet a ton of people through my kids, but only form real relationships when I dedicate time outside of the kids to nurture those friendships.

Frankly, I think people a oddballs when they won't leave their kids with a sitter to hang out from time to time. It's a red flag to me that said person doesn't have much else going on in their lives and we probably won't have much in common.

I guess for us, it's not the missing the kids for 2 hrs -- it means missing the kids for the entire day; does that make sense? Would you make that same choice?

And when you do go out with the friends, do you go out as couples or do individual meetups? and generally it's moms meeting moms, dads meeting dads, and couples meeting couples. you never see moms meeting dads without their spouses unless their friendship predates the marriage??

it's tough, since in our family, dh is more social and happily goes out but at kid events all we meet are moms, so it seems it would awkward to suggest coffee with them sometime. dh's work is far from home (see long commute mentioned) and his coworkers are all two counties away!

I'm more responding to this wild ass statement to me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents[b]

If I were in your shoes, getting home at 7 at night, I would not even be thinking of friends, this would be the very least of my concerns. My brain would be entirely consumed with either how to move or how to find a new job. I say this with 100% confidence on how I would react. I turned down a 40% pay raise because it would mean more time in the office and more time on the road. You can't buy time with your kids.

If my spouse were working similar hours, I'd be terrified what these hours would mean to my children when they get older and need more out of their parents than what a toddler needs (because older kids need more). If my spouse was the primary parent and home at a reasonable hour, then no, I would not feel guilty about socializing once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who doesn't want to get a sitter and also am lacking in the friend department. To me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes, it's hard to socialize if you always want to have your kids around. Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing. It's hard to find similar minded people to be friends with, especially if it's considered strange to not get a sitter.

I'm going out Thursday night at 630 PM with a few other couples. Our babysitter will put the kids to bed at their usual 830PM and I will miss 2hrs of their lives. You have serious emotional problems if missing 2hrs of your kids lives makes you feel like a bad parent.

I can see why you have no friends. You are neurotic. Who would want to hang out with you? What a bore to listen to you drone on about your magical snowflakes.

Not PP but it represents about 7% Of available time with their kids assuming working parents home at 6, bed at 8:30 and awake 14 hrs on weekend.

I assume you work part time or stay at home, BC a working parent going out at 6:30 would effectively not see their kid at all that day, just to meet some friends for drinks.

Do you not allow your kids to play with their friends outside? Because geeze..that could among to another 15% a week.

Well since 630 is dinner time, no. But u knew that. The point was that we already have limited time bc we both have to work -- do most working parents further wither down time with kids for friends? That wasn't meant as snark, was just showing that not insignificant amount of time especially if it means you don't see your kids all day, does that make sense?

Not all working parents put their careers before family. DH works from home and I'm home NLT 5PM. That's by design.

I guess we all have our priorities.

Would love to have telework job or one with short commute -- so now the key to having time for friends and kids is to find an easier job that pays the same bc, you know, mortgage et al. And I guess money for a sitter. Very bummed out, I must say.

Btw: 8.5 he workday. 45 min commute --> 9-5:30 + 0:45 + daycare pickup == 630 dinner. If you are home by 5 that is a very special job.

I have an 18 min commute and I'm in by 8. My kids school starts at 730.

Even if I was home at 6PM, I still would not feel one drop guilty for going out once a week and missing 2hrs with my kids. Building friendships will last long past when the kids leave the nest and it doesn't get any easier to meet new people as you get older. I meet a ton of people through my kids, but only form real relationships when I dedicate time outside of the kids to nurture those friendships.

Frankly, I think people a oddballs when they won't leave their kids with a sitter to hang out from time to time. It's a red flag to me that said person doesn't have much else going on in their lives and we probably won't have much in common.

I guess for us, it's not the missing the kids for 2 hrs -- it means missing the kids for the entire day; does that make sense? Would you make that same choice?

And when you do go out with the friends, do you go out as couples or do individual meetups? and generally it's moms meeting moms, dads meeting dads, and couples meeting couples. you never see moms meeting dads without their spouses unless their friendship predates the marriage??

it's tough, since in our family, dh is more social and happily goes out but at kid events all we meet are moms, so it seems it would awkward to suggest coffee with them sometime. dh's work is far from home (see long commute mentioned) and his coworkers are all two counties away!

I'm more responding to this wild ass statement to me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents[b]

If I were in your shoes, getting home at 7 at night, I would not even be thinking of friends, this would be the very least of my concerns. My brain would be entirely consumed with either how to move or how to find a new job. I say this with 100% confidence on how I would react. I turned down a 40% pay raise because it would mean more time in the office and more time on the road. You can't buy time with your kids.

If my spouse were working similar hours, I'd be terrified what these hours would mean to my children when they get older and need more out of their parents than what a toddler needs (because older kids need more). If my spouse was the primary parent and home at a reasonable hour, then no, I would not feel guilty about socializing once a week.

Well if we took a 40% pay cut we would need to move to West Virginia to afford housing. The long commute and both working FT parents I guess has determined our lot in life.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, I think people a oddballs when they won't leave their kids with a sitter to hang out from time to time. It's a red flag to me that said person doesn't have much else going on in their lives and we probably won't have much in common.
You sound like a person who does not have much empathy for others, or much understanding that others may have different, and less fortunate circumstances than you. I have an hour and 15 minute commute because that was the job I could get after I was laid off from my prior company in downsizing three years ago. My kid's school starts at 8. I don't get home until 7pm. I see him for an hour and a half on most weekdays. I'm not going to miss that time more than very occasionally to get drinks or dinner with friends.

It is going to be hard for you to get empathy and understanding when you bitterly post (or agree with the following):

to me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes.....Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing.[b]

You are in the minority and are projecting your feelings of guilt because of your unique situation. Parents who nurture friendships oustide of their children's lives are not putting their social lives ahead of raising their children. That's dramatic and intentionally combative and your insecurity over your situation is pitifully transparent.

Um, the post you are quoting is not mine, so I don't know what you are going off about. I don't feel guilty - my commute and the amount of time I can spend with my kid is not the ideal situation but if he didn't have food to eat and a house to live it, he would be worse off, so it is the best decision available for us. Your post was very offensive, as bolded, and shows a complete lack of recognition that other people may have different constraints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think when it comes to organizing get together that involve kids, the mom is the logistics coordinator/keeper of the schedule for most families. So even if your DH is the more outgoing one, I think it would fall on you for the follow-up. My DH is pretty involved with the kids and both of us are friendly with the other parents at soccer. This year we had done more of the divide and conquer versus both of us going to every soccer game for both kids. DH told me, hey, you need to go to the younger daughter's games because that is where all the play dates and sleepover plans are happening among the moms. I went to the next game and our daughter got included in last minute play date plans and another we ended up with last minute sleepover plans.

Now talking couples friendships, that is a lot trickier because both spouses on both sides have to get along well. I don't know if you ever watch King of Queens but I think there was an episode where Carrie and Doug try to find the perfect couple to be their friend to replace Deegan and Kelly that was really funny highlighting the problem with both spouses on both sides agreeing. Usually, but not always, I think one person becomes good friends thru work outside activities, college, etc and then pulls in the spouses and if the spouses click they become couples friends. If your DH is the more outgoing one, the answer may be that he finds good guy friends and when there are superbowl parties or socializing with other families you are friendly. You don't have to be best buds with the spouses. It just can't be awkward and has to be enjoyable enough that the DH's friend's spouse would rather socialize all together than suggest to that she be left out of the mix. I think of a relative by marriage that it is like pulling teeth to get her to answer a conversational question, usually one word answers and never asks us any follow up questions. I am left with the impression that she doesn't like us. I am also assuming she isn't like this with her friends and family. If someone that was a potential couples friend was the same way, I would choose not to do couples things with them. We don't have a choice about family but we do with friends.

Why did your DH not arrange play dates and sleepovers at soccer games? Were the moms excluding him somehow or does he just defer to you regardless of proximity?

PP here, I think it is a combination of things. My DH won't commit to things unless I've checked the schedule. I also think there is a gender thing that my DH feels uncomfortable issuing an invitation for my daughter's friends to come over for a drop off play date/sleep over. I can see from the other side if a guy I barely knew invited my daughter for a drop off play date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Frankly, I think people a oddballs when they won't leave their kids with a sitter to hang out from time to time. It's a red flag to me that said person doesn't have much else going on in their lives and we probably won't have much in common.
You sound like a person who does not have much empathy for others, or much understanding that others may have different, and less fortunate circumstances than you. I have an hour and 15 minute commute because that was the job I could get after I was laid off from my prior company in downsizing three years ago. My kid's school starts at 8. I don't get home until 7pm. I see him for an hour and a half on most weekdays. I'm not going to miss that time more than very occasionally to get drinks or dinner with friends.

It is going to be hard for you to get empathy and understanding when you bitterly post (or agree with the following):

to me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes.....Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing.[b]

You are in the minority and are projecting your feelings of guilt because of your unique situation. Parents who nurture friendships oustide of their children's lives are not putting their social lives ahead of raising their children. That's dramatic and intentionally combative and your insecurity over your situation is pitifully transparent.

Um, the post you are quoting is not mine, so I don't know what you are going off about. I don't feel guilty - my commute and the amount of time I can spend with my kid is not the ideal situation but if he didn't have food to eat and a house to live it, he would be worse off, so it is the best decision available for us. Your post was very offensive, as bolded, and shows a complete lack of recognition that other people may have different constraints.

I'm not the person that wrote the comment about oddballs. I will say though that for most, though maybe not all, there is the possibility of getting a sitter for time on the weekend. Having a babysitting swap is one option to save money if you aren't fortunate enough to have family locally that can help out. I really think if it is a priority, you can find a way at some point before the kids are out of high school. For some it isn't a priority and I get that. I just think all relationships need attention (the ones with your kids, your spouse, your family, your friends,) you want them to thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Frankly, I think people a oddballs when they won't leave their kids with a sitter to hang out from time to time. It's a red flag to me that said person doesn't have much else going on in their lives and we probably won't have much in common.
You sound like a person who does not have much empathy for others, or much understanding that others may have different, and less fortunate circumstances than you. I have an hour and 15 minute commute because that was the job I could get after I was laid off from my prior company in downsizing three years ago. My kid's school starts at 8. I don't get home until 7pm. I see him for an hour and a half on most weekdays. I'm not going to miss that time more than very occasionally to get drinks or dinner with friends.

It is going to be hard for you to get empathy and understanding when you bitterly post (or agree with the following):

to me, it seems like the ones who get sitters are putting their own social lives ahead of being parents. I put my kids first so yes.....Even at social events with parents and kids, the parents seem to ignore the kids and just talk to each other and I'm the lone mom who actually is more concerned with supervising kids than socializing.[b]

You are in the minority and are projecting your feelings of guilt because of your unique situation. Parents who nurture friendships oustide of their children's lives are not putting their social lives ahead of raising their children. That's dramatic and intentionally combative and your insecurity over your situation is pitifully transparent.

Um, the post you are quoting is not mine, so I don't know what you are going off about. I don't feel guilty - my commute and the amount of time I can spend with my kid is not the ideal situation but if he didn't have food to eat and a house to live it, he would be worse off, so it is the best decision available for us. Your post was very offensive, as bolded, and shows a complete lack of recognition that other people may have different constraints.

Follow the thread then. That's why you are confused.