Let it lie?
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Anonymous
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My mom died a while ago. Soon before she died, she told me that my dad had had affairs and she was planning to leave him. It made their unhappy marriage make sense in retrospect (and my difficult childhood). She had proof, but I don't know if she confronted him before she died.
It's years later and I still find myself so angry at my dad, but he has no idea I know. I can't decide if it's worth it to bring it up and get it out in the open, or to just continue having a superficial distant relationship with him. I don't know if he'd deny it or even if an admission would help me feel better. What could I possibly get out of discussing this? And yet.. What would you do? |
Anonymous
| I'd ask about it otherwise it's going to fester but I'd be open to what he has to say. Don't let it ruin everything. It's already ruined things it sounds like before you've talked about it. Talking might help you move past. |
Anonymous
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I'd write a long letter to your dad... and then burn it.
It wouldn't accomplish much ton confront him, but your questions and feelings are still valid. Write it, ask it, get it all out. But burn it... |
Anonymous
| Ugh OP. How long did your Mom know before she died? |
Anonymous
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If there's an obvious tension, I'd definitely say something. Why spend these last years with him with all of this pent-up anger? I can tell you, once they're gone, there is no closure. What could you possibly get out of discussing this? You could gain further insights. You said knowing this helped you understand aspects of your childhood. Why not continue? |
Anonymous
I agree with above. You have nothing to gain by confronting your father and a lot to lose. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you have other issues with your father. What are you really angry with him about?
Is it really that he had affairs? Or is it more directly related to how he treated you? If you confront him about anything, it should be about things he has done to you -- not about issues between him and your mother. First of all, you never really know the whole story about what is going on between a married couple, even that couple is your parents. Are you prepared for the possibility that there might be things about your mother that come out? Maybe something about their sex life. It seems to me that that is really something between them. But that said, my guess is that there is another reason for your anger. You should address the issues specifically between you and your father. But before confronting him, you have to sort through your own emotions to really hone in on the specific things that are causing you pain so that you can clearly and coherently address them with him. |
Anonymous
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I would tell him what you were told.
Go for a walk. Don't ask him if it's true. Don't expect confession. Use it as, hopefully, the beginning of a discussion, or future discussions. Don't see it as a one time event - this talk/discussion. See it as a chance to learn more about your father, not learn the specifics. If conversations with your father are, for the most part, always unpleasant, then don't have them |
Anonymous
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I had something similar happen right before my mom passed away.
She was trying to find paperwork to renew the car registration, and I volunteered to check my dad's car. When I opened the glove compartment, a ton of condoms fell out 
I got what I needed, pushed the condoms back in and never told either parent. My mom passed away about a week later. My dad started internet dating a week or two after that and moved a woman across country to live with him less than six months after my mom's funeral. Its been over a decade and I have not said anything to him and likely never will. There was so much more hurt from how he handled himself after she passed and the vitriol that the woman he brought out has visited upon our family. To be happy, I had to make peace that the father I want is not the father I have. I forgive him, but we only have a superficial, occassional relationship. I love him but I know where my boundaries are. Only you can decide what will give you peace. For me, after years of confrontation I realized dropping the rope would give me the most peace. I am okay with my cordial, distant, occassional relationship. The lack of a grandparent is the hardest, especially since my oldest is just old enough to remember that he was once a very good grandfather. I have never and will never confront him about what I discovered. I don't think it will cause me anything but more pain. Good luck OP. Sometimes things really suck. |
Anonymous
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I would honestly talk to a therapist! What is your end goal? Do you want a closer relationship? Do you want him to confess? Figure out what it is that you want first, and then talk to someone about what your next steps should be.
I agree with those that say that you may find some things out that you don't want to know (about your mom OR dad). |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
I agree with this. I also agree with the posters who say leave it alone. |
Anonymous
What was your relationship like before you knew? Did your knowledge bring about the superficiality and distance, or was that present before? |
Anonymous
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OP, I would say no.
This was between your parents. It's not fair of your mom to have involved you. It brought you into a triangle between the two of them, and divided your loyalties and your trust. It poisoned your relationship with your father. And you don't know what her "evidence" was. Women come on DCUM every day with "evidence" of affairs that is frankly, ridiculous. He hugged her. She calls him about work. He smiles at her in the elevator. Your mother was wrong to involve you in this, and then leave you hanging. The fact is, she did not divorce your father. They stayed married. Their relationship may have seemed unhappy to you and this conversation somehow "explained" that but that's an easy way to somehow make sense of complex past events, which are rarely caused by simple factors. Let it go, OP. The only thing you can do by bringing this up to your father is further poison your relationship with him, put him on the defensive, and alienate him. And perhaps poison his memories and grieving process. Are you sure you want to do that? Really? |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry your mom felt the need to share this with you, OP. My mom did something similar and it's something that I've wished over and over that I didn't know.
I'm not sure what your relationship is with your father, but don't let this come between you. Was/is he a good father? Does he show his love for you? That's what your relationship should be based on. I'm sure it hurts like hell to know that he hurt your mother in this way, but you don't need to take on her cause. You absolutely can and should separate your judgment of him as a father from your judgment of him as a husband. You can acknowledge that he wasn't the greatest husband (if you believe your mother) and still believe he was a fantastic father (if he was). I think it's reasonable to take one of two approaches: 1- let him know you know, 2- find a way to let it go. 1- Someone mentioned asking him to take a walk and letting him know what your mother told you without asking for an explanation. I think this is a good option if you feel you can't be in his presence without what you know bubbling out in anger. If I were you, I'd insist he not answer the "charges" against him, but just hear that you knowing that hurts. The downside to this approach is that your father may be living with guilt and regret already and knowing that you know may just deepen it for him. The upside is that you get it off your chest. 2- Letting it go will be hard, but it can be done. The ins and outs of your parents' relationship is really none of your business and your mother shouldn't have put you in this position. The downside of this approach is that you have to find a way to know what you know and not punish your father for it. Accept that things happen in a marriage and that your father's probably not proud of it. The upside is that your relationship with your father continues as is (which is only a good thing if it was good to begin with, if not, you may want to go with option 1 and try to rebuild afterwards). Good luck either way you decide and big hugs to you. The death of one parent is hard enough without it tarnishing your relationship with the other.
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