Question - in laws
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Anonymous
Am I overreacting? Found my FIL and BIL waiting for us at home this afternoon uninvited. To be fair, my husband missed their calls but not sure if they asked to come over or called to say they were already in their way  . So my issue is that we have young kids - age 3 and 5 - and while I'm happy for them to spend time with family - my in laws are completely clueless about being with kids and my kids just go nuts. They don't eat well, etc. I have nothing against my in laws except to feel that my BIL while a nice guy, is so weird that I really would not put him up as any role model for my kids although he's nice enough and plays with them he would not be ok to watch them. He's mid 40s with exactly 0 friends and when i say 0 I mean none. He spends his time being alive, working at his dad's business M-F and doing a Sunday AM club. He is with my FIL almost 3-4x of the week and most weekends other than that. He's a virgin we think and not gay so no secrets or anything just weird in that he is smart but doesn't do anything. Totally unhealthy and weird being almost like a partner for FIL. fIL actually cool with hella lot of friends but is widower of 7-8 years now. Them interacting with my kids is so weird they just watch us and don't engage it's so uncomfortable and even my husband is aware of this but he loves his family and is all about being with them at least every other if nog every weekend. My family is dysfunctional and I'm an only child but my parents are out of state anyway.
That aside, I can't see my parents ever sitting in my house without confirmation of me saying come over. To me it's not appropriate and disrespectful given that we have little ones as well. Am I projecting my feelings for them on this situation or do I have a point about boundaries even when considering family gatherings?? |
Anonymous
| Let it go. It's nice they want to spend time with you and the kids. |
Anonymous
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You sound like you're the problem because inside all those code words you use is a very creepy occupied with other lives woman.
Go bake some cookies or make a kale salad. |
Anonymous
| He's smart but doesn't do anything except work 5 days a week, have a weekend club and provide companionship to his father. That's a whole lot of nothing. I agree with setting boundaries for when they can come over but your characterization of him makes you sound like a snobby asshole. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about the frequency of their visits since your husband enjoys their company. |
Anonymous
| Why isn't your door locked? That's the weird thing here. |
Anonymous
+2 |
Anonymous
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You're really judging the wrong thing here, OP. It's ignorant and uncharitable of you to disparage your BIL in that way. He probably has Asperger's or some other syndrome limiting his social skills. Which you should be aware of, because these things run in families! People like this are often quite intelligent, and not any more prone to violence or pedophilia than others, since your post is going that way. The easy thing is that he probably doesn't mind you being blunt and direct. So tell him exactly what you expect. That you don't like visitors waiting in the empty house. If you don't return their calls, they shouldn't come, period. If ever BIL or FIL babysit for you, rules have to equally explicit and direct. A written checklist, read aloud and handed to them, should do the trick. Can you tell I have Asperger's in my family? |
Anonymous
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Your BIL sounds like my brother, who is 35 and basically stuck in an arrested development state. He plays online games all night long. He never leaves the house. He finally moved out of my parents' home and got a real, actual job that is 40 hours a week with health insurance. So he goes to this job, then goes home, and plays online games (makes me think of that Korean couple who played online games so much their baby died). He's socially just weird, but he's my little brother so in my eyes he's just who he is. He is ok with my kids, he tolerates a lot of their hyperactivity, but he has no clue how to play with them, and I don't expect him to know. I wouldn't be surprised if my brother is on the spectrum, but whether he is or not does't matter to me. He never calls me, never visits, never emails, nothing. You are lucky that your BIL even communicates, I would be pretty excited for my brother to just show up so I would know he's alive.
Why don't you give your BIL something to do, like "hey Bill, can you chop these tomatoes" or "can you play uno with the kids?" etc. Sometimes all people need is a little direction. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. Sometimes non parents really are lost about being around kids. |
Anonymous
+3 Not to mention her speculation that the BIL is a virgin, as if that has anything to do with anything. It sounds like the BIL might have some social issues, but is an otherwise responsible and functioning person who cares about his family. The only leg you have to stand on is that it's fair to ask people to get confirmation from you before they come over. |
Anonymous
+1 A lot of people don't really know how to engage with kids. Why don't you offer some suggestions for how BIL might play with them e.g. get a game going with your kids that you can then have BIL take over. FWIW, my dad does a lot of observing rather than actual playing with my kids (and his other grandkids) and I think it is because he really doesn't know what to do. He, like many dads, spent a lot of time working when we were growing up and left the bulk of the child rearing to my mom (although both worked outside the home). He does really well with very defined activities so he's great for taking the kids on walks around the neighborhood. He loves stopping with them so they can inspect every rock, twig, and insect. And he likes pulling the wagon with the kids in it and stuff like that. All of these things the kids love! I think it's great that your in-laws want to have a relationship with your kids so I think you're overreacting a bit here especially since you said they did call your husband first even though he missed the calls. I am not a huge fan of my in-laws, but I would be thrilled if they took more of an initiative to have a relationship with our kids even if that meant them dropping by our house somewhat unannounced. I definitely can see how others might feel differently though so if this situation is really upsetting you then you should set some clearer boundaries for when your in-laws visit. |
Anonymous
| Sorry I agree with the OP. You have to have some boundaries. Please clarify, were they inside the house waiting? |
Anonymous
+1 |