Indecisive DH
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Anonymous
| I work full time outside the home (I know there's an acronym and I can't remember it) and DH is a SAHD. He has a background in finance - saved up so he could stay home with our kids. We are moving b/c I got a promotion. I have a lot going on between wrapping up at by old job and starting at the new. Did I mention I'm organizing a bridal shower and bachelorette party with me and both kids being in a wedding coming up soon? So we are closing on a new house soon and trying to sell our current home. DH usually handles most household managament on his own - insurance, bills, utilities, etc. He is paralyzed by all of the decisions and can't do anything without explaining it all to me and having me either decide or discuss every little detail with him. I had to make to do lists for him for getting the house ready to go on the market. I had to intervene with the real estate agent and contractors getting out house ready (if you know me I am probably no longer anonymous). I can't handle it any more. I have so much professionally going on with the transitions that I need him to be able to pull his weight. Every decision is taking a week - insurance riders, scheduling duct cleaning at the new house. Any advice? Am I being insensitive? |
Anonymous
| He probably just doesn't care. |
Anonymous
|
Do you ever question his decisions after they've been made? He may be a little gun shy for a reason . . .
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Anonymous
| How old are the kids? |
Anonymous
I generally view all family decisions and household stuff as his domain. I couldn't even tell you what riders we on our current homeowners insurance or what company did our last vent cleaning or when. It's been strained recently, but I'm so stressed I can't handle taking on his stress and making decisions for him. When I intervened with the realtor and contractor it was because the process was dragging on and he and I would discuss something, agree on timing, and then he wouldn't even tell them that we had agreed we wanted x complete by a certain date. It was hard for me to step in because he usually is a normal functioning adult but I was worried because the house listing process was dragging on and on unnecessarily. He decides what our cable and phone packages are, schedules yard maintenance when needed .. He's really usually super competent. Our kids are in ES and are at school all day M-F |
Anonymous
| Maybe he's depressed or something else is going on? |
Anonymous
| Like we're currently hemming and hawing over a $35/year addition to homeowners insurance that the realtor thinks we should add. Also whether the cleaners should come this week to our already mostly clean house (but there is work they could do - deep cleaning that they usually aren't able to do). |
Anonymous
| Is he unhappy about the move? |
Anonymous
|
OP - Drop the wedding stuff. You are over extended.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
It's next week and I'm the Maid of Honor, kids are flower girl & ring bearer. Very close friend, like a sister. Definitely over extended but I'm keeping my shit together. |
Anonymous
He's not a fan of change but we've been discussing the possibility of a move for my career advancement for about 3 years and of all the leads I pursued, this was his favorite. |
Anonymous
So then do I just have to act like I'm a single parent of 2 kids and do all of it? That seems unreasonable. If he's depressed, how can I help him lift back up sooner than later? |
Anonymous
I know this isn't true. He's obsessing over every thing - he cares too much about minutia, if anything. |
Anonymous
|
I'm like your DH. When I get stressed and overwhelmed, I shut down. (I'm a DW)
So when sh!t needs to get done and I'm spinning and cant do anything, DH gives me a ToDo list, like written down. 3-5 things that need to get done that day/next couple of days. I'm usually good about making decisions (and looking at it from every angle). But at times, he needs to be the Decisioner. Let him talk about what different options are, but then you pull the trigger. Then write what needs to be done on the list. But the key is that we've talked about it how I deal with things. We've talked about how we are going to handle it when I get overwhelmed and he needs to take over temporarily. We understand that in a partnership, sometimes one takes over when the other one isn't able to function. If you can't talk about it or talking doesn't work, then yes, you may to pretend you are a single parent and do things yourself. Try not to hold a grudge. I know it's hard. I'm very lucky that DH accepts me the way I am. He focuses on the stuff I'm good at. (And I do the same for about him). His inability to cope will pass. Don't do more damage to you marriage by holding a grudge. |
Anonymous
These things seem like pretty small things and I wonder if the issue is one or both of you don't like to be assertive. I mean, you said it right in your post, there are things the cleaners can do this week. So they should come. For $35 I'd just add the insurance. It's $35. You can always cancel it next year. If its a lot of small things like this it just sounds like both of you are really overwhelmed (he may be overwhelmed with the prospect of all he has to do when you move/the area you're moving to/etc.). When we last moved, I was a SAHM. I don't think DH understood my anxiety about moving to an area I knew nothing about and didn't know anyone. Being a stay at home parent can be pretty isolating. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior, it just seems that if these are the things you're having issues over, it just sounds like both of you are really overwhelmed and neither one of you wants to be "the decision maker". |