Why is my MIL such a weirdo?

[Anonymous]

MIL is coming to visit tomorrow (driving ten hours to do this, alone). She stayed somewhere along the way and will arrive in the morning. She doesn't work, but we both do. I had assumed there was some good reason she was coming sunday to tuesday instead of saturday to monday or fri night to sunday. Well, apparently she did not want to impose on our weekend (I found out yesterday from SIL) so she thought it would be best to spend the day here monday while we're at work. I think she actually suggested that she might watch the 10 month old all day monday. Hello? You have met the child twice. Am I supposed to leave her with you all day when she doesnot know you AND spend time sunday training you on where everything you will need is located in my house? So now she will just be imposing on my nanny all day. Perfect. I'm especially interested in what these two will discuss all day. I can only imagine it will be personal info about our family. I love the nanny, but still. I told the nanny friday that she was in charge monday, not MIL. Is this weird or is this weird? We haven't seen MIL since december and this is the visit she schedules. She is very nice and I'm sure the visit will be fine, I'm just finding the planning odd. I suppose I should communicate with her directly next time instead of letting DH field these types of plans.

[Anonymous]

My first reaction was that she's lonely. I feel a little bad for her, if she's afraid of imposing on you guys in the first place. Not saying I don't feel your pain, because I do. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yes, she may be lonely. She is married, but the marriage is bad (we are trying to convince her to get a divorce). We get along very well with her, so I'm confused as to why she wouldn't think it was ok to come for a whole weekend. Of course, what I think is beyond weird is why she would think it would be more convenient for us to host her while we are working instead of over the weekend.

[Anonymous]

I'd say she's trying to avoid exactly this.

Trying to avoid having you dis her in front of others as being annoying/imposing/etc.

Her intentions are pure-to be helpful, give your family room to spend the time together, etc.

Her only mistake is not realizing that babies that old can be scared of people they don't see often and need to stick to their routines.

I'd just let her know that you were happy to see her and hope she will come for the whole weekend next time so you can spend more time together. Hopefully she'll get the hint you'd rather it not be while you're working.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your MIL had an event of some sort happening in her home area, and wanted/needed to be out-of-town? Just thank the nanny profusely with a small gratitude gesture. You can even mention to the nanny that you love your MIL dearly, but please keep your family life private.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh, but I don't undestand your complaint. That she came during the week to impose on you as little as possible? That she wanted to stay with and perhaps get to know her grandchild? It seems to me that she is bending over backwards to not get in your way. I have lots of girlfriends who would give their left arm for a fraction of this consideration from their MILs. Despite the fact that you say your MIL is nice, you seem to show some degree of contempt for her, eg. when your reaction to her offer to babysit is that you'd have to spend time "training" her (not the phrase I would use in regard to a grandparent), and with your assumption that she is going to sit talking about the family all day with the nanny. I just think you are being a bit harsh.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a real piece of work. Let me get this straight, you have a nice MIL who is bending over backwards not to intrude and you not only have a problem with this you are going to insult her by "putting her in her place" with the nanny being told that she is in charge? I feel bad for your husband as I have a feeling you are pretty controlling. FYI--MIL raised him and he managed to reach adulthood. Lighten up.

[Anonymous]

I'm a little confused why a grandma can't watch a 10 month old grandchild for the day. I think she was right to assume she could watch her grandchild - why wouldn't she be able to? Children are not that complicated that they need extensive meetings with a grandparent in order for them to stay at home together all day.

If she is a grandma, I assume she raised at least one kid. I'm sure if you gave her some instructions she would be fine. My mom would flip out if I took my baby to daycare when she visits! Granted, she visits a lot more often as she lives closer, but she loves spending the day with the baby.

[Anonymous]

I am also confused why you have an issue letting Gramma hang out with baby all day on Monday, especially if there is a nanny around. Why train Gramma Sunday and stress about it if there is someone there who knows the routine?

It sounds like you are making a big deal about nothing considering you had to point out she drove alone for ten hours. Oh mah gawd. How crazy That is not a big deal at all unless she is 80, blind and senile.

Please relax and let your child's Gramma spend some time her with grandson. It's not that big of a deal. She is family. If it were your mother would you freak out?

[Anonymous]

Maybe things aren't going well at home and she just wanted a break and time to reconnect her family. You did say she is in a bad marriage. How's her health?

[Anonymous]

MIL sounds like a thoughtful, considerate woman who really does not want to impose or intrude on your family time and who really wants to spend some time with her grandchild (even going so far as to drive ten hours alone), whom she has only been able to see twice.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP -- i hate it when MIL comes on weekdays and has to hang out with the nanny. I always feel bad for the nanny, who did not sign up to hang out with some overbearing, bossy grandma all day. When I had one kid I gave the nanny the day off when MIL came, but with two I can't, cause MIL can't handle two. (She swears she can, so we tried once and she left my baby on the changing table unattended and the baby rolled off, fell on the floor and had to go to the ER.)
I just apologize profusely to my nanny, and tell her to hang out with the baby and leave grandma with the toddler. That way they are not in each other's space too much. It's annoying but it's better than her imposing on our weekends, that is true. With two working parents, weekends our family time, and I don't like when she's here for that either. She is not a nice person, so that is the underlying reason why whenever she comes, I find it inconvenient.

[Anonymous]

PP, why are you assuming Granda is so bad? Maybe it's the DIL who has the problem.

[Anonymous]

Whenever my parents or my in-laws come while the nanny is working, she wouldn't DREAM of discussing us. Rather, the nanny tries to be perfect because for her its like a full day job interview - I assume she is scared to death the grandparents don't like her she's gone. I have had more than one nanny (finally got lucky with my current one - thank heavens!) and they have all acted this way.

I think your nanny will spend the day being very attentive to your baby and trying to impress your MIL. And, as Robert Randolph says, "Ain't nothing wrong with that."

I hate to say lighten up, OP, because that's a little condescending, but I do think some of your concerns are misplaced. Agree with other posters that she may be very lonely and a snuggly baby is just what she needs right now.

[Anonymous]

From a nanny- give the nanny the day off. Unless you think she is incapable of watching your child for one day, there is no reason there need to be 2 adults taking care of one child (or 2 kids or even more). I HATE when my employers' family comes to visit and we all just hang out together. The MIL is constantly telling me what to do (and not do) while she just sits there and does nothing. If this MIL is capable and offering to watch DC on Monday, go for it. 10 month olds are rocket science. Give her a rundown of her schedule, preferences, etc and it will all be okay.