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Why is my MIL such a weirdo?
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Anonymous
She's a 9 month old now, and I'd still be fine with the in-laws staying with her alone for a day. I recently left her alone with my mother for a day and nothing drastic happened. The child won't get to know the grandparents unless you give them a chance to. She does have stranger anxiety, but your MIL was coming up a day before she would be spending the day alone with your child. That's enough time for the child to be comfortable. |
Anonymous
That's my impression, too. I'd stay in the basement too if I had this DIL, who claims to like me but acts otherwise. |
Anonymous
| OP, I agree that it's a bit odd that your MIL scheduled the visit while you and your DH are at work. But she sounds like a kind, considerate person who doesn't mean any harm. On one hand you say that you like her and look forward to her visit but on the other hand you imagine that she will gossip with your nanny and pump her for information about your family. For this reason it does seem as if on some level you feel like your MIL's visit is an invasion of your privacy. Perhaps she senses this, which is why she might be trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. It also could be that she's going through a hard time and feeling a bit insecure. The fact that she's driving 10 hours by herself to see her grandchild and offered to babysit tells me that this visit means a lot to her. I guess I'm feeling for her. Even if it's a bit weird... what's the harm? I guess I want to say have some empathy for her. |
Anonymous
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"OP, you had me in your corner up until the time you started complaining about her taking care of your child all day when she's only met your child twice. I just can't figure that one out."
Well, here's a piece of news: not everyone has children who warm up to strangers easily. At 10 mos. my kid would NOT have been ok with hanging with a stranger all day. And, from OP's post, that is what MIL is. The fact is, my DD is EXTREMELY routine oriented. Maybe OPs is like that too? OP, maybe you could have MIL get out of the house and do some other things during the day and then have her spend time with you and baby in the afternoon/evening. Look, I agree you shoudl have some empathy for her but if she doesn't know your daughter, and your daughter would be freaked out by it, then you have every right to set boundaries. I'm not sure why people are jumping down your throat here. You are the one that knows your DD and your family situation. Ignore the bitchy posts. |
Anonymous
| OP here again-thanks to the PP who suggested I invite her next time. I think that is a good idea, and, that way, I can make clear the best way to have an ideal visit (like by actually coming to spend time with us). If she wants time alone with the baby, maybe she can watch her for an hour on saturday or sunday while DH and I go for coffee or something. I think offering to spend 8 hours alone with the child when you have never looked after her before is a little much. Like I said, thanks to this PP. I think the gesture would be appreciated and I think I would be able to communicate what would be best for us more effectively than DH has. |
Anonymous
I think it's because she called her MIL a "weirdo," has accused her before the fact of talking bad about her behind her back with the nanny, and seems to have little empathy. The tone of that original post was extremely bitchy, condescending, and without compassion. |
Anonymous
I'm not sure what the big deal is either - my sister took care of my 10 month old (whom she met 2x) all day and they got along just fine. Like you, OP, they had a day to acclimate (you said your MIL arrived Sunday) and after that my sister caught on quickly to the routine not to mention she raised my nieces and nephews just fine (and if MIL raised your husband I'm sure she still has the motherly instinct). From your basement comment, it sounds like MIL is tip toeing on egg shells around you. Perhaps you come across a lot differently than you intend - condescending, stressed, tired, everything-is-a-burden-attitude, etc. and so maybe your MIL feels she doesn't want to irritate you any more by lowering herself on the totem pole and sleeping in the basement and leaving weekend family time alone. Post from MIL: DCUMers help out a loving, yet far away grandma, I wanted to visit my DIL, son, and grandchild so I left my jackass husband for the weekend and drove solo for 10 hours to see them. I was really excited. I haven't seen my little grandson since the holidays so I can't wait to give him extra hugs. I hope he likes the presents I brought. I miss my son and DIL too. I hope they are happy to see me. Although my DIL is a very nice person to me, there is something about her that makes me feel odd. I know she is always stressing about cleaning the house, watching my grandson, complaining how short weekends are, really busy at work, etc. I'll just be sure to come so they can spend most of the weekend together and sleep in the basement so I don't mess up the guest room or wake them up when I use the bathroom at night or shower in the morning. I'll have to make sure I make myself some sandwiches for the car ride and for the 3 days I'm at my son's and DIL's house. I don't want to eat their food and impose on them even more. What do you think? |
Anonymous
I guess I didn't realize a baby's own grandma qualified as a "stranger" that one "hangs with." I'm floored. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think I can relate to what's bothering you in some ways. I'm pregnant with my first, but my mother and I have butted heads on visits in the past. She's booked tickets in the past without regard for when works for me - which frustrates me because if she's here, I'd like it to be when we can actually spend time together. I'm also not crazy about having company in our home when we're not there - which unleashed a huge, angry argument I didn't anticipate. It's not that I don't trust her (her argument) so much as again, I don't get planning a visit when we're largely not home. Maybe it will help to talk to your MIL and plan out some visits, and also make it clear that you'd like her to stay in the guest room rather than your basement. |
Anonymous
| OP here--first, to clear one thing up: I do not care if she wants to stay in the basement. I just would have liked to know so that I could have made it ready for her in the way that I do if I anticipate a guest staying down there. And, to those who think it is such a great help to have family around to watch the kids--yes, it is, when I need it. I have a full-time employee who I pay regardless of whether she comes, so the help -- if she really wanted to provide it -- would be appreciated on the weekend, when I might be able to get some work done around the house, hang out with DH, etc. I don't need the help during the week, so it is not actually a favor. It would just create more work for me to tell her what the baby does all day, show her where everything is, check in with her while at work when I am extremely busy, etc. Back to my original point: none of this behavior, which is apparently all being done in the name of being helpful/not imposing, is either. In the future, I will just make sure to make clear what in fact is helpful and I am sure she will be happy to do that. |
Anonymous
| If your MIL's intentions are good, then why are you lambasting her? There's a word for your attitude... it's called bitchy. |
Anonymous
Sounds just about right!! |
Anonymous
Your MIL just wants to visit her grandchild. Why make such a huge deal out of it? Who cares if having her during the week is "helpful" or not? It shouldn't ALL be about you. Maybe she wants to come during the week because she wants some time alone with the grandchild, without you hovering all over her and judging everything she does. If she says it's to be "helpful" maybe she's saying that because she is afraid to tell you the real reason. So what if it's going to take a little extra work. Relationships sometimes require extra work. |
Anonymous
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Wow OP.
Everything is all about you and how YOU feel in this case, isn't it? |
Anonymous
| Yeah, I'm thinking you're the weirdo. |