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Why is my MIL such a weirdo?
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Anonymous
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I don't think it's weird at all. I'd love it if my MIL wanted to come up during the week and take care of my daughter while I was work. In fact, my in-laws did just that in the Fall. They stayed over the weekend, and also stayed Monday and took care of the baby. It was only the second time they met my daughter, and she was 3 months. It's not hard to show someone where everything is - how long is that really going to take? Can you write out a few basic instructions, or leave stuff out for her that she will need to use? Give the nanny the day off, and let Grandma get to know her grandchild. You're complaining that you're going to have to leave your kid with her when she's only met the child twice. How is she supposed to get to know her grandchild if you don't let her? If you're not planning on giving the nanny the day off, then why does Grandma have to be "trained" on Sunday? It sounds like you're just looking for something to get upset about.
I also don't understand why it's any of your concern what your MIL and the nanny would talk about. Why are you assuming they will only talk bad about you? I'm sure people who know you can think of some topics of conversation that have nothing to do with you. The only thing that's weird is your reaction to the situation. |
Anonymous
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I agree your business in NOT MIL's busness. You have every right to maintain your privacy. Just tell Nanny.
Playing Devil's advocate here, she might be at a place in her life where she needs to be needed. I know it's tough if she's a "give her an inch and she'll take a mile" type. Just be direct and so nice she can't badmouth you. Boundaries people, boundaries 
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Anonymous
| Gosh, just be nice to her for god's sake and let her hang with her grandchildren. If you say she is nice, not sure what the problem is? Just be nice and treat her as you would want your daughter in law to treat you some day. |
Anonymous
| OP here--The point of my post was that the plan was weird, not that I didn't like my MIL or that I was angry about the visit. Like I said, we get along well. I just find it odd that she thinks it is more helpful to come when I am working. To the PP with the 3 month old--talk to me when you have a child who actually notices that a stranger is in charge all day. Anyway, MIL is here now and we have been having a nice time. Here is the new weirdness: Instead of staying in the guestroom, which I cleaned maticulously and where she has stayed before, she is *insisting* on staying in the basement. There is a twin mattress on the floor down there and a bathroom that is not used much. It is clean enough, but I clearly was not planning on her staying down there. She thinks, again, like coming while we are working, that this is the way to be helpful. Bizarre. She said "oh, I will just stay in the basement in case I get up in the night to use the bathroom." I said that wasn't an issue and she should stay in the guestroom. She was underterred and has insisted on staying down there. So, again, I reiterate, she is nice, I like her, we get along well, but the version of helpful that is going on in her head is WEIRD. That is all I am saying. |
Anonymous
| Maybe she is coming during the week because she gets the distinct vibe that you don't like her. Sorry, OP, but your reaction seems a bit extreme. Just be glad she is coming to visit you and is not demanding you come visit her. |
Anonymous
OP here again. I do like her. I said that her attempts ot be helpful are actually the opposite and that I found them weird. I didn't say that I didn't like her and certainly do not feel that way. In fact, I would have preferred that she spend the weekend here so we could actually see her instead of this weird Sunday to Tuesday visit, when, instead of planning fun things to do as a family, I have to deal with letting the nanny know she'll be here, etc. If the tone of my original post was harsh, I apologize. This is an anonymous forum--I have no reason not to say that I can't stand her if that is the case. It simply isn't. |
Anonymous
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Have you thought to tell her this? It sounds like she's walking on egg shells around you, so remedying this will have to come from you.
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Anonymous
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I think I get what OP means. It sounds like grandma is trying to make herself, figuratively speaking, smaller and smaller so as not to impose. This can be frustrating if you love someone and want them to relax around you. It's hard to enjoy someone's company when that person, however well intentioned, keeps rejecting what you offer. They may think they're being helpful and not imposing but in reality they're establishing a kind of control through rejection and a certain kind of awkwardness dominates the relationship.
I know I'm overstating it and this may not be exactly what OP finds so weird but that's what comes across to me. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like she has poor self-esteem. I'd let her take care of the baby by herself tomorrow so she knows you trust and value her as a person. |
Anonymous
| Why don't you just tell her what you've expressed in your posting? That you are glad to have her come and spend time with your family but with your busy workweek and set nanny schedule, it would better if she were to come on the weekends and she stay in the guestroom. Then invite her over for a weekend in a couple of weeks. She probably doesn't realize it's better to come on the weekends and how you feel feel about this. |
Anonymous
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I think she is being really considerate - my mom does this all the time. She doesn't work and lives just far enough way to justify spending the night, but close enough to come visit often. She hates coming on the weekend because she thinks she is interfering with our family time. I don't work Fridays so she often comes Thursday so we can hang out with baby on my day off.
She likes coming during the week because she thinks it is easier on me in the mornings not to have to run around and get DD ready for daycare (she is right!) and because she can hang out all day with her grandchild without getting in the way of our time. Also, she has dinner ready for us when we get home from work which is great (not to mention a clean house - I don't know what I'd do without her!). So your MIL probably just wants to spend as much time as possible with the baby without interfering. I think it sounds really considerate. |
Anonymous
The title of your post is "Why is my MIL such a weirdo?". Remember writing that? You called her a weirdo, not her actions. |
Anonymous
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OP, you had me in your corner up until the time you started complaining about her taking care of your child all day when she's only met your child twice. I just can't figure that one out. My husband and I have no local sources of family childcare, and I can't take it when people complain about relatives wanting to babysit. It just strikes me as a " sort of problem that I wish I had. As for the fact that she's only met your child twice -- she's the grandmother for heaven's sake. Do they need a series of formal introductions?
As I said, I'm in your corner about the Sunday to Tuesday thing, but I would just tell her when you want her to visit. It sounds like it could be worked out. Good luck and let us know how the visit goes. |
Anonymous
| I wish I had such a 'weirdo' MIL who could come sunday to tuesday to watch the baby! I also get the vibe like others said that she is trying her best not to impose. If she is not working, tell her that it's great having her around (assuming you really like her as you keep repeating and that she's managing with the baby) and suggest to her to extend her visit till the weekend. |
Anonymous
Not OP but this poster (above) annoys the everliving crap out of me. I know it's the same person all the time with the "lighten up" and caustic "I feel bad for your husband." OP ignored you as you deserved to be ignored but can I just ask you to stop posting this kind of spiteful stuff? The only thing you are contributing to is meanspiritness, bad feelings, and negativity. Why on Earth would you reply to say you feel sorry for OP's husband? Do you really, truly feel sorry for him? Did you actually really take a moment of your time to spare real, genuine sympathy for OP's husband or are you just trying to hurt a person you've never met, just because you can and it's anonymous? No need to respond, I think I know the answer. You should work on being a nicer person. OP -- your MIL seems nice, but of course, some of that behavior is, as you say, a bit weird. One thing is, I don't know that I'd be nervous about letting her stay with my kid at your kid's age, but everyone is different. If you are more protective, that's understandible. Also, I think keeping the nanny in charge is just fine -- nanny has to be the law 99 percent of the time, so there's no reason to undermine nanny when an inlaw is here. Might not be a big deal at 8 or 10 months but as the kid's get older the nanny needs to be an authority on her own. Since your MIL is coming to visit, I"m going to guess she values spending time with your whole family. You mention your husband made the plans -- let me ask, did you / he invite MIL up here or did she invite herself? If the latter, did you ever consider that you might invite her up sometime, proactively? That would make her feel much more treasured. My husband and I were pretty shocked to find out that his sister would not consider visiting us unless we had actively invited her. It seems so silly to stand on ceremony among family members but if, as others have hypothesized, MIL has a self-esteem issue, this might be a wonderful way to make her feel treasured. When she gets up here, you simply need to tell her absolutely, NO WAY is she staying in the basement (unless she's got some bathroom issues and is seeking privacy)? I know my Gram feels more comfortable staying at my house than my sister's because we have a bathroom near the spare bedroom that is "hers." She's in it a lot and doesn't feel self-conscious about other people waiting for her, going in after her, etc. Other than this, sometimes our parents generation get these oddball ideas in their heads. Something you could do to counteract the way she seems to be feeling, if you are willing to bend over backwards to make her feel loved and treasured is: 1. put something special in the guest room, even if it is as simple as a piece of chocolate on the pillow, and a card that says welcome, or something goofy like that. MIL's eat that stuff up. (Mine does!) When she says she wants to stay in the basement, simply say no way, and tell her that you would feel sad that she was so far away from the family. (Don't make it about her comfort, make it about wanting her closer). 2. If you truly like her, ask her to extend her time or to come earlier. Tell her that you miss her and would love to have her stay an extra day when you were not working so that you could spend some time as a family. Tell her it's important to you to spend that time together. You can also say you'd like your child to get to know her a little bit better so that each time she visits, maybe if she'd stay the weekend and an extra day, they really can just spend a day together. (that's not as hurtful as just telling someone who has certainly raised a kid or two "she doesn't know you well enough to stay alone with you.") I hope something I've mentioned might help. Keep in mind that people who behave this way can be annoying as hell but are usually doing it because they feel bad in some way. Never mind that what they're doing is making everything worse... they do it anyway. Maybe she can't help the behavior pattern of making herself small (perhaps the bad husband is one reason for this?) Good luck and I hope you enjoy your visit, despite the strange way it's throwing your family routine off. |