Why is my MIL such a weirdo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, to those who think it is such a great help to have family around to watch the kids--yes, it is, when I need it. I have a full-time employee who I pay regardless of whether she comes, so the help -- if she really wanted to provide it -- would be appreciated on the weekend, when I might be able to get some work done around the house, hang out with DH, etc. I don't need the help during the week, so it is not actually a favor.

Oh, see, some of us think it would be great not because we want to use Grandma only for babysitting as a favor to us, but because we want our kids to get to know Grandma[i]. That's why I think it would be great. My grandparents are all dead, and I only ever met one of them, and I didn't know her well at all. I want my daughter to know her extended family. When the in-laws visit it's not perfect, but I'm so glad they want to be involved. Not for free babysitting - for the loving relationship they are building with my daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sure you assume (as I do) that at least a few of the last few mean replies were sock puppeting. (Now that I know what it means, I love using the phrase!).

You're not mean, OP, or weird. These posters who want to make you feel bad are, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is coming during the week because she gets the distinct vibe that you don't like her. Sorry, OP, but your reaction seems a bit extreme. Just be glad she is coming to visit you and is not demanding you come visit her.

OP here again. I do like her. I said that her attempts ot be helpful are actually the opposite and that I found them weird. I didn't say that I didn't like her and certainly do not feel that way. In fact, I would have preferred that she spend the weekend here so we could actually see her instead of this weird Sunday to Tuesday visit, when, instead of planning fun things to do as a family, I have to deal with letting the nanny know she'll be here, etc. If the tone of my original post was harsh, I apologize. This is an anonymous forum--I have no reason not to say that I can't stand her if that is the case. It simply isn't.

No OP, you don't like her. You called her a weirdo and you said the following about her in your OP:

Perfect. I'm especially interested in what these two will discuss all day. I can only imagine it will be personal info about our family

Someone who likes their MIL is not paranoid that she will gossip behind her back. I'm sure your MIL just feels unwelcome and you have clearly created that environment, I'm sure indirectly.

I just pray that one day my son has good taste in women. I hope that I raise him to make good choices and not get stuck with a weirdo DIL.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I feel for you. Your MIL may be a wondefully kind woman who wants to spend time with her grandchild. But I don't for a second doubt your decision to not let your child with her alone for 10 hours. She is a stranger to the child. And you may not know the ability of your MIL to take care of a young child for that long. I found both my MIL and my mother, who LOVE their grandchild, treated my son like an object in his first year of life. My mom wanted to see him and watch him....for about 5 minutes....then they wanted to park him in a swing for hours while she watched TV. My mom wanted to feed the baby, until she realized he was a "thrasher" while he ate. She wanted to watch him while he crawled, but she would fall asleep on the couch while "watching" him. So no, I wouldn't even let my child - when he was under the age of 1 - alone with MY MOTHER for 10 hours. It would not be safe. Now that my son is 2.5 it's a different story. He's a real little person, and will just tell Grandma to get up if she is getting sleepy on the couch.

I did find though that what my mom craved is alone time with my child. While at first this worried me (why is she going to do that she needs me to be gone), I realized it is because if I am there, my son will gravitate towards me and not bond well. So I did try to physically leave them alone, even it if it was just a quick errand or go upstairs. The same may hold with a nanny. So, maybe you could find a little middle ground - if you are comfortable with it. Could you allow the nanny to leave an hour early or come an hour late so you MIL could have some alone time with your child? Acually, I'd probably do the leave early, so the MIL can interact with the child all day (then the child will be more comfortable). Or maybe after you get home, you could do a few things around the house while your MIL watches your child.

[Anonymous]

OP - how old are you? why are you referring to your MIL as a weirdo? She sounds perfectly normal to me.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, tuck this away in the back of your mind because one day when YOU want to spend time with your grandchild/ren your daughter in law or son in law will think you are annoying and weird. They wont want you around. They will complain about you. No matter how nice or considerate you will think you are being you will still be intruding and crossing boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your MIL does sound nice, harmless... but weird, like you said. My very sweet and well-loved in-laws do similar things -- they're bad at communicating when they're coming and why, and they just don't think the way we do when it comes to what's convenient or easy. (I'm with you that sleeping in a guest room seems to make more sense than an air mattress in the basement, but oh well.) They mean well, but they are kind of awkward. Your MIL sounds the same way.

For me, I always get anxious before a visit worrying about stuff, but it is always fine -- better than fine, actually fun -- when they get here. I hope that will be the case for you, too. What has helped us is getting my husband to be VERY CLEAR and explicit in when we need them to come and getting them to spell out their plans so that we can ask for adjustments as needed, and plan accordingly. I bet if you said next time, actually, a weekend trip might be easier and more fun for everyone, would that work?, your MIL would be receptive.

And to all the PPs who think OP is so unreasonable, you can love a family member and like them and be perfectly nice to them, and still get annoyed by them or think they're doing something weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And to all the PPs who think OP is so unreasonable, you can love a family member and like them and be perfectly nice to them, and still get annoyed by them or think they're doing something weird.

But it really does not sound like she likes this woman. All indications are she doesn't. She only wants her company if it's going to make her own life easier, somehow.