Ready to cut off from aunts, uncles and grandparents

[Anonymous]

I don't want to write a long essay here, so I will try and summarize all the shit I have been through for the past 30-odd years.

My extended family is very close by American standards, because we're Indian and we have to invite our third cousins to our birthdays/weddings, blah blah blah. Both of my parents have toxic siblings and my mom has very toxic parents. By "toxic" I mean:

- always finding fault and magnifying my parents' smallest flaws/mistakes, and mine as well (I'm an only child, their first granddaughter/niece on both sides)
- never acknowledging my parents' successes or achievements, or mine, except to belittle/downplay them. Examples:
--> "Oh you bought a new house in neighborhood X? Well your sister/brother/cousin bought an even nicer house in neighborhood Y which is even fancier!"
--> "Oh you bought us a car? Why is it such a mid-range car? Couldn't have bought us a BMW?"
--> "Oh you got admission to a college ranked in the 40s? You went to Notre Dame for grad school? Couldn't get into an Ivy League?"
(Basically, my grandparents are unappeasable and my aunts and uncles are so competitive with my parents - and with pitting their children against me - that their behavior is exactly like my grandparents' behavior)

- They deliberately make us look bad in front of other relatives or family friends
- They've borrowed huge sums of money, never returned it, never said thank you

Despite all this, my parents and I have tried to do our duty to them for years. Nobody is truly evil, of course. My grandparents did their duty by my mother when she was growing up, and I can't forget that. I also know my grandparents had rough lives which I have made them bitter, insecure, and resentful of the world, so I try to remember that.

But recently I got married (earlier this year) and I have just learned that my aunts, uncles and cousins spent my wedding week saying very hurtful things about me and my new DH. Among them:
- "She must've married him for the money, he's so unattractive" (My DH is very attractive in my eyes and in the eyes of my true friends)
- "blah blah blah let's criticize every aspect of the wedding planning to other relatives, and make OP and her parents look like their close relatives don't have their back!"
- "OP's sari doesn't suit her coloring at all, where did she find that sari?"

And all kinds of other cruel things.

I'm just done. I'm done and I don't want them in my life. I don't know why I spent the money to have them at my wedding when I knew this was going to happen. I just don't want to look like the bad guy by estranging myself from them. And I am not sure why God gave me such toxic relatives when I've always only had love in my heart and if they had been good to me, I would have been SO GOOD to them.

I'm ready to completely 100% cut them off, and wish my parents would too. Vent over.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. They already talk smack about you. You will NEVER be good enough for them. So cut them off, and accept that they'll ... talk smack about you, so basically nothing will change on their end, but you'll be much happier.

[Anonymous]

You can't have it both ways. Cut them off! But don't for a second think you won't be "the bad guy" to all of them. But you shouldn't care.

[Anonymous]

If don't want any contact or minimal contact, you just don't respond or just decline invitations, etc. If you feel the need to make a big statement about cutting them off, your real goal is either attention or hurting/punishing them. Figure out what you really want, and act accordingly. Also determine whehter it is really EVERYONE that is so problematic.

[Anonymous]

If you're able to maintain boundaries and cut off the personal one-on-one relationships, but still show up for group functions every now and then, then that might be less dramatic and leave the door open for you to reengage when/if you want to - like when you have children.

I'm really sorry that they say such awful things, but there people are gossips and don't know how to be happy. That's why they're doing this. It's not about you, even though you were the subject of discussion, but they're also gossiping and backbiting about each other, and just living miserable lives. If you can distance yourself from that, focus on creating healthy dynamics with your new husband, and just show up once a year to say hello and be friendly, then it may not hurt so much and you may still achieve what you want, without as many of the downsides.

And no more loans or big gifts obviously.

[Anonymous]

Yes, they are toxic. And it sounds like a socially acceptable thing in your family, to criticize. That is so sad that they were saying those things about your DH! And just plain mean. I always think that people like this don't have enough to do with their time.

[Anonymous]

You chose to "hear" what they said about you/your husband. This means there was a conversation, someone told you the information, and you were interested enough to listen. Why?

If you want healthy relationships - - don't entertain this type of interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If don't want any contact or minimal contact, you just don't respond or just decline invitations, etc. If you feel the need to make a big statement about cutting them off, your real goal is either attention or hurting/punishing them. Figure out what you really want, and act accordingly. Also determine whehter it is really EVERYONE that is so problematic.

OP, this is good advice. Don't do a big, dramatic "I'm cutting you off because I know what you said about me/husband" announcement. They'll just deny that they said anything and try to grill you about how you "know" what they said behind your back. Just stop saying yes to invitations and stop inviting any of these relatives to anything you are hosting or doing. They will of course ask why, will talk trash to each other about how you always turn them down etc.

But OP, you need to learn to care less about what they think. That's more easily done if you are busy building up your own life and interests with your new husband. Join something together, start spending weekends doing stuff you and he find is fun. Be too busy. Do not over-explain or offer up information on what you're doing, as iin "We have to be at X that day." Just say cheerily, "We can't be there, but you have a good time."

Also, take a moment to be glad that you (seem to) get along with your own parents, the generation with which you probably will have the most contact anyway, as you and your husband establish your own lives and your own home and have kids etc. If your parents are fine, you can distance yourself from the rest of the relatives more easily. The problem will be if your parents are OK with you yet still expect you to see a lot of these other relatives. You might want to have a serious talk with your parents about the fact that from this point on, they should not be upset if you decline other events with these relatives. The parents need to know they are fine by you and you are not cutting them off. Be SURE to do more things with just your parents, though.

There is one worrying thing about the post. How did you find out what was said? Did your parents report it to you? If so--why? Any chance that whoever reported this to you has an ax to grind regarding these relatives and was sharpening it by pulling you into the negativity and tattling on the snarky relatives? If your parents told you, please talk with them and say that there's no need, in the future, to report back to you on anything at all that these relatives say, period. Then drop it, and if your parents (or whoever told you this stuff) again comes to you with "Listen to what auntie said!" nip it in the bud immediately and every single time: "Hey, like I said a while ago -- please don't let me know what Auntie has to say. I don't want to be drawn into her negativity. I'd rather talk about what you're doing these days." Change the topic instantly.

[Anonymous]

If you want to cut them off, don't tell them you're doing it. Just start ignoring them. It will give them all the more reason to down-talk your parents, so be prepared for your parents to be mad at you over it.

[Anonymous]

Living well is the best revenge. (But no more loans. Ever.)