Asking a spouse to do something

[Anonymous]

My S says "I need you to do X" instead of asking me to do X. Not always but often. This is not in circumstances where I should have known I needed to do it nor something I have already been asked to do.

Should this bug me or is it just one person's way?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a bit of an obnoxious way of asking someone to do something (because it isn't really "asking" at all), but it could also just be someone's quirk.

Have you actually talked to your spouse about this? I feel like so many stupid and petty things could be resolved if spouses actually TALKED and discussed things with one another, instead of letting resentment stew and ask the internet. We don't know your spouse. Talk to them.

[Anonymous]

It would annoy me. I'd ask my husband nicely to stop, framing it as, "Babe, I really appreciate it when you ask me to do something by saying 'Could you' instead of saying 'I need you to' - could you please try to use that wording instead? It's a small thing but makes a big difference to me."

Wouldn't make it a fight, wouldn't bring up any other things he did that annoyed me at the same time, and would be a bit overly sweet about it. That really seems to work well with my husband. He's a good guy, and he really tries when I ask him to do something like that. When I go into it with a snarly attitude, it becomes gridlock.

That said, a few times a week, I also try to ask my husband, "Is there anything I can do tonight or this weekend that would help you out?" -- again, a little 1950's housewife-ish, but it's amazing how well it goes over. And after a few months of me asking him that... he picked it up and started asking me the same question. It was great!

It isn't my nature to be super sweet or ask extremely politely (my nature is just to bark orders and "get it done!"), but when I'm conscious of it - wow, it makes a huge difference in my home and marriage.

[Anonymous]

8:32 here - by the way, I think the approach I mentioned works whether you are a husband or a wife. There's not a wife I know that wouldn't respond well to a sweet request and being asked "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the person, and their communication style. I would take this to mean "I need you", as in I need you to be part of our team and help me out here.

I think the tone in which it was said would be far more important here. If S is talking to you like a child, then it's an issue. If S is saying it in a respectful adult tone, it wouldn't bother me.

[Anonymous]

pp here. If the former (like a child) is the tone, then definitely say something about it bothering you. Even if it is a good tone, and it bothers you, still say something. I don't think there's ever too much communication.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have asked nicely in the past but he's either forgotten, doesn't think my objection is legit, or both.

I usually think this is a childish approach but I'm considering using the phrase on him for a bit, which may or may not let him see why I dislike it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the person, and their communication style. I would take this to mean "I need you", as in I need you to be part of our team and help me out here.

I think the tone in which it was said would be far more important here. If S is talking to you like a child, then it's an issue. If S is saying it in a respectful adult tone, it wouldn't bother me.

More like adult employee

[Anonymous]

I think it's a normal part of marriage to ask someone to re-phrase the way they say things. Just talk to her.

My husband tells our toddler, "mom will give you a bath tonight" instead of asking me. Drives me nuts.

So yeah, just ask her to say it differently.

[Anonymous]

I think the context matters. Is he saying "I need you to take care of dinner tomorrow, because I'll be home late" which is rude or is he saying "I need you to sign off on the car insurance policy we just renewed. It's not in effect until you do" which is an honest statement/request/reminder. He needs you to do your part in order to care for the family/household/marriage, etc.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you "need him to reframe his requests".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I usually think this is a childish approach but I'm considering using the phrase on him for a bit, which may or may not let him see why I dislike it.

Play this out OP... it's not going to work well for you. You start using the phrase, and he either:

1. Doesn't care, in which case you are still pissed and the pissiness is building up in you every time you say it, and you probably start to take on a tone every time you say it.

2. Dislikes it but doesn't say anything, in which case you're both getting silently pissed.

3. Hates it and tells you to stop, at which point you say "See! I hate it to, but you say it to me all the time," he feels cornered/like you were "trapping" him to show him how awful he is, and it turns into a fight.

I don't really think there's a way that "I'll do it to him" strategy turns out well.

Maybe just ask him again - when you asked him in the past, he obliged, but it seems he has forgotten. Some people just need to be reminded on certain topics. I swear if I have to ask my husband to wipe down around the sink one more time (how does he get water EVERYWHERE?) my head might explode... but every time I ask him sweetly, he does it and remembers for a couple weeks to do it. And then he forgets. Because he doesn't have the "eye" to see that that behavior is irritating. That's marriage.

Asking him nicely again will give you more information about if he is just forgetful on this topic or if he doesn't give a crap about your feelings.

[Anonymous]

The reason I asked is that I'm pretty sure his position is that I shouldn't have a problem with it. Things are tense for other reasons and I don't think he is currently receptive to this kind of request if it is me asking him to do me a favor in his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I asked is that I'm pretty sure his position is that I shouldn't have a problem with it. Things are tense for other reasons and I don't think he is currently receptive to this kind of request if it is me asking him to do me a favor in his mind.

He would be doing himself a favor - far more likely to get his request met and keep the peace if he states it in a way that appeals to you. Marriage 101. Relationship 101. Hell, Life 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I asked is that I'm pretty sure his position is that I shouldn't have a problem with it. Things are tense for other reasons and I don't think he is currently receptive to this kind of request if it is me asking him to do me a favor in his mind.

That doesn't surprise me, that things are tense for other reasons. When other issues are going on, we're much more likely to be bothered by these seemingly "small" things (to be clear, it would annoy me too - but if everything else was going great, it would be easy to get over whether it was him changing or me just letting it go).

Check out one of John Gottman's books. They are SO good, and even if you only work on your attitude/behaviors in the relationship, it tends to have a spill-over effect on the spouse.