Could use some advice about a frienship triangle

[Anonymous]

I am going to do my best to condense this story. I will first tell you yes I am very sensitive but i am also an intensely loyal and good friend to anyone who I consider a close friend.

Have had a circle of good friends two of whom I have known each about 20 years. So one of my friends D and I in recent years have grown apart a bit but still are very much there for each other. My other friend G and I are still very good friends. Their only connection is through me (or so I thought).

So D's aunt (who I knew) died recently and we went to the wake, and funeral as well as a memorial at Ds parents house afterwards. I realized at that point that D and G seemed quite friendly mostly because G knew and seemed to be friendly beyond meeting them for the first time with D's other friends. It really took me by surprise and actually hurt my feelings as well and G was just giving off vibes like she belonged there more than me, it made me feel uncomfortable and like an outsider and here it is me, who introduced her from the start. I would never have discussed it at that point but its absolutely on my mind.

I am very much an inclusive kind of friend, I invite everyone and open my home and my heart to all friends (cannot say they do the same) however.

Since G is the more assertive one if either of them made the overtures to become better friends I would bet its her and frankly yes it really hurt my feelings which would also mean me being left out and it is through me they even met. I know there are no rules, but there are to me certain unspoken ones that most friends abide by. I would never go to a friends friend and initiate a friendship without including or at least asking the friend we have in common.

So I need/want to address it and likely will do it with G since D recently lost a relative to whom she was close and I do not want to appear insensitive. Please do not tell me I am being immature or acting like a teenager. I to the contrary am a very good fiercely loyal friend and I already put it out there that I am sensitive. Any advice on how to approach it?

[Anonymous]

I think you are behaving inappropriately. They had every right to form their own friendship independent of you, and they certainly don't have to ask your permission to become friends. You do not own either of them. If you raise this to G, I strongly suspect you will lose both of them as friends.

[Anonymous]

You don't get to pick who your friends are friends with. It is strange that you want to control their interactions. I would absolutely not bring it up.

[Anonymous]

I've been there, OP. It's awkward, there's sadness on your part, but you can't broach the subject. It's like what PP said.
You have to just get past it that they have a relationship beyond you. One of my friends is still BFFs with someone who I introduced her to in HS. I don't ever even talk to the other one. But frankly, they have more in common anyway.

[Anonymous]

I suspect that what you are calling loyal may also be called controlling--maybe two sides of the same coin.

I agree with the PPs that you are out of line and risk losing them both if you do anything.

Now with respect to your feelings, this is tricky. You state twice that you are sensitive. It's ok to be sensitive, but OP it's not an excuse to basically say what you are saying, which is you are not willing to see that you are overly-controlling on this and need to change your mentality regarding this situation.

I do wonder how old you are--not calling you immature, but wondering because if you have had friends for 30 or 40 years like many people have, you would know that longstanding friendships ebb and flow, and when they are ebbing it doesn't mean they are receding forever.

[Anonymous]

Unless you're in an exclusive relationship with D, you don't get to have a say in D's relationships.

[Anonymous]

But isn't the point of introducing people to each other to allow them to form another relationship. You can't own a person and no, I don't have a rule that says a friend I introduce to another of my friends can't go ahead and be friends with that person all on her own.

[Anonymous]

What could you possibly say to them that would not make you sound insane? They are grown women, they have a right to decide to be friends.

[Anonymous]

If understand how you feel, OP, but if you are truly a loyal friend you will try to be happy that your friends have formed a new friendship that has been good for them. Maybe they have things in common with each other that they don't with you. Keep them as friends and don't say anything about their being friends with each other, but at the same time expand your own social circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to do my best to condense this story. I will first tell you yes I am very sensitive but i am also an intensely loyal and good friend to anyone who I consider a close friend.

Have had a circle of good friends two of whom I have known each about 20 years. So one of my friends D and I in recent years have grown apart a bit but still are very much there for each other. My other friend G and I are still very good friends. Their only connection is through me (or so I thought).

So D's aunt (who I knew) died recently and we went to the wake, and funeral as well as a memorial at Ds parents house afterwards. I realized at that point that D and G seemed quite friendly mostly because G knew and seemed to be friendly beyond meeting them for the first time with D's other friends. It really took me by surprise and actually hurt my feelings as well and G was just giving off vibes like she belonged there more than me, it made me feel uncomfortable and like an outsider and here it is me, who introduced her from the start. I would never have discussed it at that point but its absolutely on my mind.

I am very much an inclusive kind of friend, I invite everyone and open my home and my heart to all friends (cannot say they do the same) however.

Since G is the more assertive one if either of them made the overtures to become better friends I would bet its her and frankly yes it really hurt my feelings which would also mean me being left out and it is through me they even met. I know there are no rules, but there are to me certain unspoken ones that most friends abide by. I would never go to a friends friend and initiate a friendship without including or at least asking the friend we have in common.

So I need/want to address it and likely will do it with G since D recently lost a relative to whom she was close and I do not want to appear insensitive. Please do not tell me I am being immature or acting like a teenager. I to the contrary am a very good fiercely loyal friend and I already put it out there that I am sensitive. Any advice on how to approach it?

But you are, as I suspect you know. This is straight out of middle school, OP. What "unspoken rules" do you expect others to abide by?

[Anonymous]

Identifying yourself as sensitive should be a means to understanding that your emotional reaction to things may not always be rational, and to helping you be mindful before you act on your emotions of whether such action would be appropriate. It should not be used as a tool to manipulate people into doing what you want them to do, even if you're being unfair and irrational.

[Anonymous]

I get where you're coming from, OP. I too think there are general rules of social interaction, and since you are the type (I am too) who wouldn't co-opt your friend's friend, for lack of a better phrase, it's off-putting when someone else does. However, clearly neither of them have a problem with it, since they are both participating in it, and so you will be left odd woman out if you bring it up. You're going to have to suck it up, not say anything, and in the future think harder about introducing some friends to others when they don't know each other.

[Anonymous]

No reason it needs to be a triangle. Nothing wrong with them pursuing an independent friendship, though I admit I might be a bit hurt if they regularly got together without ever thinking to include me -- but if I still had a good friendship with each independently, i just don't think it would bother me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get where you're coming from, OP. I too think there are general rules of social interaction, and since you are the type (I am too) who wouldn't co-opt your friend's friend, for lack of a better phrase, it's off-putting when someone else does. However, clearly neither of them have a problem with it, since they are both participating in it, and so you will be left odd woman out if you bring it up. You're going to have to suck it up, not say anything, and in the future think harder about introducing some friends to others when they don't know each other.

I must agree. I am a good friend and know it. While I understand other people might connect I am old school in that I think a little courtesy goes a long long way. To invite you just because would be a nice and appropriate thing to do. All that said, to me what would bother me most is if they were doing without telling you or purposely trying to hide it. I would respect both of them much more if either came to you and said look we really connected and we have become good friends, we still love you and value our friendship with you immensely but believe in honesty and knowing you are sensitive wanted you to know that we do occasionally get together. I would give them both a lot of credit for doing that.

I have a good friend from grad school that I recently reconnected with as she has moved back to the area. I met someone through her and we instantly connected, we had a lot in common however I would personally still not call her to have lunch or coffee without inviting the friend that introduced us at least initially just because it feels like the right thing to do. I think you will get varying opinions on this depending on how "plugged in" people are with their closest friendship group. For me, my friends and I are extremely close so their loyalty and consideration is very important as is mine to them. I don't think it has anything to do with immaturity or being overly sensitive as much as it does being a good, honest, authentic friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get where you're coming from, OP. I too think there are general rules of social interaction, and since you are the type (I am too) who wouldn't co-opt your friend's friend, for lack of a better phrase, it's off-putting when someone else does. However, clearly neither of them have a problem with it, since they are both participating in it, and so you will be left odd woman out if you bring it up. You're going to have to suck it up, not say anything, and in the future think harder about introducing some friends to others when they don't know each other.

I must agree. I am a good friend and know it. While I understand other people might connect I am old school in that I think a little courtesy goes a long long way. To invite you just because would be a nice and appropriate thing to do. All that said, to me what would bother me most is if they were doing without telling you or purposely trying to hide it. I would respect both of them much more if either came to you and said look we really connected and we have become good friends, we still love you and value our friendship with you immensely but believe in honesty and knowing you are sensitive wanted you to know that we do occasionally get together. I would give them both a lot of credit for doing that.

I have a good friend from grad school that I recently reconnected with as she has moved back to the area. I met someone through her and we instantly connected, we had a lot in common however I would personally still not call her to have lunch or coffee without inviting the friend that introduced us at least initially just because it feels like the right thing to do. I think you will get varying opinions on this depending on how "plugged in" people are with their closest friendship group. For me, my friends and I are extremely close so their loyalty and consideration is very important as is mine to them. I don't think it has anything to do with immaturity or being overly sensitive as much as it does being a good, honest, authentic friend.

I really don't understand the loyalty point. How is becoming friends with someone new being disloyal to existing friends? That thinking is the definition of immaturity, in my opinion.