Could use some advice about a frienship triangle

[Anonymous]

Don't agree but thats why there is chocolate and vanilla. Also think it has to do with how long and how close you have been with those friends. If very close and for very long I think its inconsiderate to suddenly develop your own friendship while leaving out the person who introduced you. That is me, and yes I too am rather sensitive but I think in all fairness most in my "inner circle" would feel the same.

Its far more about courtesy and consideration than it is an obligation of any kind.

[Anonymous]

It's possible that you have overthought about D and G at the funeral. G sounds to me like the type that is friendly with everyone. Perhaps G was just trying to be super friendly (or very kind) at the funeral to help D out. I have done this sort of thing (at parties) when I don't know people and it might appear that I know many people very well when in reality I barely know them at all.

Having said that, I'm a sensitive person. I think you are being too sensitive. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know any adult woman that thinks that you have to invite someone along who introduced you to a second person. The three of you can still all be friends even if the other 2 see each other more, just as long as they aren't gossiping about you.

You need to lessen how seriously you take your friendships. Look to spend more time with your parents, siblings, and your spouse and kids (if you're married with kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's possible that you have overthought about D and G at the funeral. G sounds to me like the type that is friendly with everyone. Perhaps G was just trying to be super friendly (or very kind) at the funeral to help D out. I have done this sort of thing (at parties) when I don't know people and it might appear that I know many people very well when in reality I barely know them at all.

Having said that, I'm a sensitive person. I think you are being too sensitive. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know any adult woman that thinks that you have to invite someone along who introduced you to a second person. The three of you can still all be friends even if the other 2 see each other more, just as long as they aren't gossiping about you.

You need to lessen how seriously you take your friendships. Look to spend more time with your parents, siblings, and your spouse and kids (if you're married with kids).

It is interesting to hear so many perspectives. I think your advice about spending time with family applies if they are near. In my case (NP) I have no family nearby and my only sibling lives in Spain. So my friends are my family, even for holidays, we invited a lot of our friends and their families over. So your advice can only apply to certain people and I honestly from those I know, can say most would not opt to spend more time with their families and less time with their friends. We dont' choose our families but we choose our friends

I know many adult women not all of course that might feel hurt in this case. Most I do not think would say anything but would keep it inside but then again if you are super close to that person, you might feel inclined to express yourself. Having gone through a very traumatic event a few years ago has changed my mindset on so many things. One thing which was a big one for me as an eternal internalizer was to voice my opinion in an appropriate way if something was bothering me, could be something at work, something my husband did, something a friend did...so in this case i might speak honestly to my friend (I have 3 to whom I am very close and are like sisters). At the very least it would make me feel better and proud that I expressed myself. To each his own, do what feels right to YOU.

[Anonymous]

OP, one of the BEST things I've learned in my life is this: you don't have to blow someone else's candle out, to make yours burn brighter.

He fact the your friends are friends does not make you less friends with either of them. It means they have found a common ground together. You should be happy that the people you have in your life can encircle you with love for you, and each other.

I get that you are "sensitive", but I think that belies a lot of insecurity. "Loyalty" does not equal ownership, and them being friends does not diminish your role in either of their lives. It means they care for each other. They also care for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of the BEST things I've learned in my life is this: you don't have to blow someone else's candle out, to make yours burn brighter.

He fact the your friends are friends does not make you less friends with either of them. It means they have found a common ground together. You should be happy that the people you have in your life can encircle you with love for you, and each other.

I get that you are "sensitive", but I think that belies a lot of insecurity. "Loyalty" does not equal ownership, and them being friends does not diminish your role in either of their lives. It means they care for each other. They also care for you.

Hi not OP but agree with some of what you said but do not think that being sensitive means insecurity. You are confusing and lumping them together. I am SUPER sensitive but not insecure, while I owuld not react this way I can imagine that a fair number of women would, does not mean they are insecure about themselves however it does mean they are overly sensitive and unfortunately their own enemy.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is that uncommon to meet close friends through other friends. Everyone doesn't always hang out in one big group all the time because at the end of the day the relationships is between two people. People move away, may start dating and have other interests etc, may add new friends and suddenly Larla becomes closer to Jane because Jane was the person that was there or she could reach to talk about something in that moment. Maybe they have more in common or Ina particular situation Jane has BTDT and is helping Larla through it. Who knows. They don't have to ask your permission and you don't have to be included in every outing.

The only thing in my mind that it could be appropriate to address is if individually one of them has not been a good friend to you as in she never had time for you, is flaky about meeting up, spreads your business/gossips about you etc. To be honest if she isn't being a good friend (imagining pre-wake, what did you feel about the friendship) then I don't know that a conversation would change anything. You either accept that is how they are or you slowly exit the friendship if that isn't what you want. I had a friendship like that where I felt I was putting in all the work to maintain it. I was always doing the inviting to get together and it was rarely the other way. A finally I decided that wasn't the type of friendship I wanted and stopped always calling/inviting and it fizzled out.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound loyal, OP. You sound possessive. Not cool. At all.

Your feelings are not valid. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound loyal, OP. You sound possessive. Not cool. At all.

Your feelings are not valid. Sorry.

I don't agree with the invalid feelings part, but definitely with the possessive part. If she's this way with friends, how is she with immediate family? *scary*

[Anonymous]

This has happened to me, but the friends lived in a different city and had each other. Both friends from growing up, one from school, the other from outside of school. They both moved to NY after college and became very good friends. Fast forward several years and they are no longer living in the same city. We've all remained friends and see each other together or separately, depending on who is in town and for what event. They also see each other without me.

I was probably jealous initially of the time they got to spend together, but as things have played out, I am still better friends with each of them then they are to each other. My friendship with each is longer and goes back through years that mattered. There was really nothing to be "jealous" of. I just wanted to be a part of the fun things they did, but not living near them, that was kind of silly.

I used to be a lot more sensitive about this stuff. One of the best things I learned is that usually, whatever is bothering me, it's more about the other person than it is about me. I think, are they intentionally doing something to hurt my feelings? Rarely is that the case. I'm able to brush stuff off a lot more now, and I'm busier...so I don't have the time to worry about it as much as I did when single, didn't have kids, etc. When I was lonelier (which was the case on and off), I was more sensitive and took things personally. Not taking everything personally has been quite liberating. It's a process, but I am not nearly as sensitive as I once felt.

I agree there is no good way to bring this up, and really, what would your desired outcome be? I think you can say, "hey, next time you two go out, give me a call -- I love spending time with you." Or whatever you would normally say. Otherwise, you will come off as dictating their friendship. I think that will make everyone uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

I think this boils down to just how close you feel to these girls if you are like me and my best friends we are practically sisters so yes it would hurt my feelings if they were cultivating a friendship between them and leaving me out.

By the same token I would not do that to them. I also think most women do not have the closeness that I do with my friends, I think most women have a few "good friends" but with me and my 3 best friends literally we are almost inseparable. We speak on the phone almost every day or every other and see each other at least 2-3 times a week.

So anything along that line would definitely hurt me, for a more casual friendship I don't think you really have much say in the matter though you could certainly voice your opinion, it might backfire and make them keep some distance if they feel under the microscope.

[Anonymous]

What would you guys say if your son or daughter came to you with the same issue? I'd suggest that DS just ask to come along the next time they hang out to let them know he'd like to spend time with both of them and leave it at that. Anything else is going to make you look immature and petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound loyal, OP. You sound possessive. Not cool. At all.

Your feelings are not valid. Sorry.

Don't agree how can you say feeling are not valid? As a licensed therapist, rule #1 is that ALL feelings are valid. Maybe you do not agree with her feelings, that is OK but her feelings are valid and real. How to and if to address them is a different matter.

As adult women, we are all able to make our own decisions without needing permission from anyone. Yes, courtesy and consideration are what we hope everyone close to us has in them but that does not always happen. In this case, even if you speak your mind and they lets say apologize or say they feel badly, it does not take away from the fact that they have become close (assuming that is the case) becuaes they wanted to become close. You might avert it right now but inevitably they will still continue to feel this connection.

Its the same thing as a women trying to coral a cheating husband and bribing him that if he does it again, she will leave. The point is he cheated already because he wanted to and like a husband you cannot keep on a short leash forever, nor can you with friends without some sort of repercussion (likely them pulling away because it could feel suffocating)

If you really feel you must say something- speak honestly and openly but tell them you accept their friendship that you care for both immensely and would love to have them ask you to join next time, make it very casual, this way there are no expectations or guilt. The ball is in their court at this point, when they do (if they do) get together they will certainly consider what you said, and if they still choose to not include you, then you need to accept it and ultimately decide if you can accept being their friends while they are also friends with each other.

Good luck. There are many great books on becoming less sensitive and developing a thicker skin- it is immensely liberating to "let go" of that more sensitive side.

[Anonymous]

Whether right or wrong, I think any woman in your situation would feel just like you do. I know I would.

Like you, I consider loyalty regarding friendships to be No.# 1. Always. It just is.

I think that G should have let you know somehow about how close she + D were getting. It would just have been the right thing for her to do. I can see how your feelings are hurt at this point.

I agree, do not approach D right now as she has recently suffered a huge loss. But I would meet G for lunch and let her know how you feel about this.

Be careful to be as diplomatic as possible and stress to her how you are more hurt vs. ANGRY at her actions.

Good luck to all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound loyal, OP. You sound possessive. Not cool. At all.

Your feelings are not valid. Sorry.

Don't agree how can you say feeling are not valid? As a licensed therapist, rule #1 is that ALL feelings are valid. Maybe you do not agree with her feelings, that is OK but her feelings are valid and real. How to and if to address them is a different matter.

What a bunch of hooey. Some people believe in truth. Moral relativism is pathetic. No, not all feelings are valid. Feelings are racism of invalid, for example. Believing others are your property to manipulate is not valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound loyal, OP. You sound possessive. Not cool. At all.

Your feelings are not valid. Sorry.

Don't agree how can you say feeling are not valid? As a licensed therapist, rule #1 is that ALL feelings are valid. Maybe you do not agree with her feelings, that is OK but her feelings are valid and real. How to and if to address them is a different matter.

What a bunch of hooey. Some people believe in truth. Moral relativism is pathetic. No, not all feelings are valid. Feelings are racism of invalid, for example. Believing others are your property to manipulate is not valid.

Truth and how you feel/react to something have nothing to do with one another. Saying all feelings are not valid is purely subjective. TO YOU all feelings are not valid, but to many feelings are just that, a reaction or emotion to a situation that often cannot be controlled. Those who openly express and accept their feelings and deal with them in a positive proactive way are more likely to be better rounded, more open minded kinder people. FACT.