In a totally average marriage - tell me about it

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been together 12 years. In that we've experienced finding each other. A business failure, infidelity, relocation, aging parents, promotions, celebrations, and life. We are very content, have worked through differences, overcome adversity, and don't resent / hate each other. I unfairly do most of the housework, work more "work" hours than him, he makes way more money so there is a financial (not work) imbalance, so ends up supporting the bank accounts more. Somehow, against all odds it seems, None of this is a source of contention with us.

We have sex in the same flowing fashion: sometimes like hungry bunnies, so,entires we miss weeks at a time. Not for lack of anything other than time and sleep. Neither of us is put off, upset, resentful about attention for the other.

We work together, compromise, disagree sometimes. I'm not overly find of his parents, but bring a pie and a smile when we visit. I wish he'd take out the garbage more, or do the dishes. He wishes I didn't take everything personally and would actually ask for help more often.

Mostly at night, we curl into each other and sleep knowing we are a team. There has been some bad, but lots and lots of good through the years, and we don't compete with each other.

Anyone else in the throes of a totally average relationship?

[Anonymous]

I think that actually sounds like a great marriage, OP. It sounds like you and your husband respect, love and trust each other a lot, even in the face of discord.

[Anonymous]

How is your marriage average? Sounds hectic and well....like marriage. Who had the infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your marriage average? Sounds hectic and well....like marriage. Who had the infidelity?

Infidelity is not normal or average. If it was the wife I guess it was acceptable for the marriage...

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a great marriage! Since you have a great marriage it shouldn't be hard to spice it up. Take a new class together, go out dancing, start a dinner club with friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

To me average means kind of 'meh'. You don't sound that way, though. Not sure of what your point is. Do you want to know that my DH and I (20 years together, 10 years married) have gone through a lot of life ups and downs and have fights and make up and go to bed together too?

[Anonymous]

OP here.. I guess my point is: so many folks here are either talking about how "horrible" their relationships are (many of which to me seem totally normal), or bragging about how awesome.

Relationships ebb and flow- that's life itself, isn't it? We adore that person, and a while later, it feels as though they are the bane of our existence. But work, love, etc. (in the absence of abuse and a few other actual concerns) overcome a lot.

And to the person saying infidelity is not "normal" - I beg to differ. But, I also understand math. Not everyone can work through it, but the infidelity itself is not that abnormal. Read half the posts on this board.

My relationship is not special, but that's the point. So many people post here in desperation without understanding: this is the crux of any relationship. You one each other. You don't, so much. Life gets in the way. There are terrible, dark times. There are amazing times. Attitude is such a big part of it. If you believe in your commitment, there are practically few things most relationships can't work through. Yes, there are individual circumstances that prevent that- but often they are actually within your control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together 12 years. In that we've experienced finding each other. A business failure, infidelity, relocation, aging parents, promotions, celebrations, and life. We are very content, have worked through differences, overcome adversity, and don't resent / hate each other. I unfairly do most of the housework, work more "work" hours than him, he makes way more money so there is a financial (not work) imbalance, so ends up supporting the bank accounts more. Somehow, against all odds it seems, None of this is a source of contention with us.

We have sex in the same flowing fashion: sometimes like hungry bunnies, so,entires we miss weeks at a time. Not for lack of anything other than time and sleep. Neither of us is put off, upset, resentful about attention for the other.

We work together, compromise, disagree sometimes. I'm not overly find of his parents, but bring a pie and a smile when we visit. I wish he'd take out the garbage more, or do the dishes. He wishes I didn't take everything personally and would actually ask for help more often.

Mostly at night, we curl into each other and sleep knowing we are a team. There has been some bad, but lots and lots of good through the years, and we don't compete with each other.

Anyone else in the throes of a totally average relationship?

This is what I want, so badly. If I had this, I would be in my dream marriage.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, taking vows seems to indicate that infedelity isn't really included as normal! We have a very average marriage, which I too equate to meh. We get along great, I'm DW and the breadwinner, but we both have equal access to accounts and decision making. Sex life ebbs and flows, sometimes we argue, but we still have fun. Do we have wild passion in our marriage? No. We are in the throngs of working and parenthood. So, to me that's average!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, taking vows seems to indicate that infedelity isn't really included as normal! We have a very average marriage, which I too equate to meh. We get along great, I'm DW and the breadwinner, but we both have equal access to accounts and decision making. Sex life ebbs and flows, sometimes we argue, but we still have fun. Do we have wild passion in our marriage? No. We are in the throngs of working and parenthood. So, to me that's average!

And yet, statistically speaking, this is one of the biggest reasons for marriages splitting.

OP HERE - Trust me, if you had asked me a year ago, I would say, hell no. We were really on the verge of splitting for good. It was a very dark time for both of us.

That being said, statistically speaking around half or more of marriages have a spouse stray , vows or no.

But what I'm saying here folks- I don't think my relationship is that different or super special than a lot of people's. I'd say we are average. We survived it. Yes, by choice. For some people, that's a line in the sand, but at the same time.. We tried to mindful. Right or wrong, I know neither of us have regrets of chosing what we did. Happiness is a choice ever single day. I chose not to be pissed about dishes or vacuuming. Could I be? Yep.. But what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, taking vows seems to indicate that infedelity isn't really included as normal! We have a very average marriage, which I too equate to meh. We get along great, I'm DW and the breadwinner, but we both have equal access to accounts and decision making. Sex life ebbs and flows, sometimes we argue, but we still have fun. Do we have wild passion in our marriage? No. We are in the throngs of working and parenthood. So, to me that's average!

And yet, statistically speaking, this is one of the biggest reasons for marriages splitting.

OP HERE - Trust me, if you had asked me a year ago, I would say, hell no. We were really on the verge of splitting for good. It was a very dark time for both of us.

That being said, statistically speaking around half or more of marriages have a spouse stray , vows or no.

But what I'm saying here folks- I don't think my relationship is that different or super special than a lot of people's. I'd say we are average. We survived it. Yes, by choice. For some people, that's a line in the sand, but at the same time.. We tried to mindful. Right or wrong, I know neither of us have regrets of chosing what we did. Happiness is a choice ever single day. I chose not to be pissed about dishes or vacuuming. Could I be? Yep.. But what's the point?

I thought statistically speaking it was money. Always money. Since we're throwing around "statistics," I'm gonna stick with money issues way more than infedelity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is your marriage average? Sounds hectic and well....like marriage. Who had the infidelity?

Infidelity is not normal or average. If it was the wife I guess it was acceptable for the marriage...

If you are using 50/50 or better as average and actual intercourse as the standard for infidelity, you're right even though some will say it is as high as 60%. But it isn't uncommon and no one will ever know the real percentage.

[Anonymous]

so again ... what is the point of your post? what are you asking us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so again ... what is the point of your post? what are you asking us?

I hear about dysfunctional marriages on this Baird every day.

Tell me about your NORMAL marriage. So we can define what normal sounds like to those who only think they have concerns, but are actually living like everyone else does. Unfortunately, Facebook, Twitter an anonymous board make people feel either inadequate or negative about their current suit action,even though they may be completely what to expect.

Life is not puppies, roses, nor terror and hatchets. People need to know that not thriving on drama is totally acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.. I guess my point is: so many folks here are either talking about how "horrible" their relationships are (many of which to me seem totally normal), or bragging about how awesome.

The majority is neither. I'd say you have it pretty good, so enjoy!