What is my obligation? (Regarding possible child sexual abuse.)
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Anonymous
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My question is two-fold.
After years of denial/ rationalization, I have come to acknowledge and accept that I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my father - this realization occurred in September. Since then I've been processing my experiences and have come to the conclusion that for my health, I can no longer maintain a relationship with my father. By extension, I'll also be leaving behind relationships with my stepmom and two half siblings (boy, 15, and girl, 13). I'm in the process of figuring out exactly how to do this. My sister is the "black sheep" of the family, often seen as an annoyance. She's extremely immature for her age, and whereas I was acting out at her age, she seems content to act and play like a little girl. However, in speaking with my stepmom, it sounds like my sister might be a victim of sexual abuse - presumably, at the hands of our dad. (She doesn't want her ears pierced because anything piercing her flesh would be too "violating." She threw up after seeing a sex scene on TV.) Also, the last time I visited (when she was 12) my dad went to "check on her" in the bathtub. Totally inappropriate, I thought at the time, but I was in deep denial. My father lives very near my grandmother, and he and his siblings are tight. I would NOT be cutting off contact to start drama, but how can I do it in a way that makes sense? Do I tell my stepmom what happened? Am I obligated to protect my sister? I don't know what to do. If you've BTDT, or have helpful advice, please contribute. I feel totally overwhelmed and don't know what to do next. |
Anonymous
| Therapy for you, possibly a support group, tell your stepmom about what you have good reason to think is happening to your sister, and contact Child Protective Services if your stepmom doesn't leave him ASAP. Your sister needs someone to help her the way no one did for you. I think you also have an obligation to tell your family members with kids so your dad doesn't victimize them. Some family members may initially side with the abuser, but you don't want those people in your life. Hang in there. |
Anonymous
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Have you considered consulting an attorney? Would you consider filing charges against your Dad if it's still possible? Filing charges would probably prompt a CPS investigation of the household and interviews with any other children with whom he still has contact.
If you can't afford an attorney, maybe you can find one thru a non-profit sexual abuse organization or a law school clinic like Georgetown's domestic violence clinic (which should cover sexual abuse as well). Morally, I think you have an obligation to tell the stepmom. And, frankly, perhaps also your sister directly. Do you have a therapist? A therapist might also help you untangle this. A therapist might also be bound to disclose knowledge of any sexual abuse; however, the basis for what kind of "knowledge" puts the therapist in the position of notifying CPS is unclear. I'm not sure if your telling the therapist that your Dad abused you and discussing the signs of abuse you see in your sister would qualify as forcing the therapist to engage in the legally mandated reporting of sexual abuse. Deciding to tell is difficult because many people will blame you for the fallout of telling. But, remember, if your Dad hadn't engaged in the behavior, there would be nothing to tell. All you can do with those that you tell is make it clear that once you properly understood these incidents, you felt you had no other choice, ethically, but to disclose and be honest. These family systems can only be perpetuated in secrecy. Telling is key to ending the cycle. |
Anonymous
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Is your sister still a minor? I think at the very least you owe a call into CPS to protect your sister. You can do it anonymously if you want, but you have to take some steps towards ending the abuse that's on-going.
Aside from your sister, there are other things you could do that would be a public service to society, but I'm not going to call them your obligations because I think it's wrong when people pressure victims to take responsibility for righting what their abuser did to them. It's not your fault. You didn't create this situation. It is your father's fault and the responsibility to not have done this was on him. |
Anonymous
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11:56 - hit submit too soon.
That said, if you feel strong enough to go ahead and file charges, that would be a great gift to society and your extended family. Whether people believe you or not is not important, but your sincere efforts to let others know the truth is very important. So, I would call that path a generous and brave one, not something that you "owe" others. |
Anonymous
| Call CPS |
Anonymous
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Talk directly to your sister. Stepmom may be in denial, I don't know if she is the best person to start with.
If you can't get anywhere, call CPS. |
Anonymous
This. You should not speak to your sister, you could do more damage than good. Someone who is qualified should talk to her. If you think your stepmom will listen and be supportive, go to her and tell her. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thank you everyone. I feel like I definitely need to do something, as my dad's job gives him access to vulnerable people/ minors (he's in healthcare). But he's a "pillar of society" and a master manipulator - I'm sure I'll be "blamed" for tearing his family apart/ causing him to lose his job, etc. I'm sure I'll be forever alienated from most, if not all, members of his side of the family. I know I need to be I contact with a therapist, and probably CPS. |
Anonymous
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I think you need to be ready to accept that parts of your family will write you off OP. Hopefully that won't come to pass, but serial abusers are often charismatic and are able to continue in their abuse and be successful in life based on their ability to make people believe they are incapable of such awful things. Some people will believe his side of the story and think you're the awful person in this situation. Your father is relying on this fact to keep you silent. He needs you to fear this more than anything else.
But you are strong and the truth is on your side. The members of your family who will take his side shouldn't be in your life. They are contributing nothing positive to your life, even if it seems otherwise. Accept that there will be some loses, but a lot to gain - most importantly a weight off your shoulders and hopefully a new start for your sister. |
Anonymous
Very sound advice. |
Anonymous
| OP, do you know about RAINN (the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network)? They have a free counseling hotline you can call for advice: 1.800.656.HOPE(4673). |
Anonymous
| You NEED to call CPS. How horrible will you feel when you find out he is abusing your half sister ad you did nothing |
Anonymous
The likelihood is that he is abusing her, and other young girls, as well. You claim you were abused by him, OP. You know he's not going to stop. You weren't his first victim and you won't be his last. Unfortunately, you can probably count on being vilified by your family, and it's going to be sick and destructive. You need to set in place your support network that will help you survive the attacks so that you can try to save other victims. Those victims are probably going to attack you, too, by the way. It's going to be hard to take. This is why your support structure is going to have to be incredibly strong and supportive. Good luck. You're in the no-win situation that sexual abuse victims typically face, and you're going to need all the luck you can get. |
Anonymous
This! Start here, they could give you advice on what to do next. Also seek the advice of an attorney, since this could land your father in court (or he may take you to court). I'm so sorry this happened to you but glad for you that you are on your way to healing. |