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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH here. Married over 20 years. The last five or so have been challenging to put it mildly. DW angry and resentful for a variety of reasons, most of them having to do with a struggling business that I started about ten years ago.

We are no longer intimate; haven't been for about five years. Goes back to the banking crisis of 2009 and a shit storm of stress that we were under. As part of her anger toward me she started to withhold sex. Never came back. To a certain extent it is not the lack of intercourse but the lack of emotional support and affection. In this life I have been wildly successful and wildly struggling. DW has deep seated anger toward me and feels that I ruined us because of financial setbacks. Business is starting to gain traction but its no walk in the park.

Today was our anniversary. This morning she wished me a Happy Anniversary first thing. I acknowledged it but as to me it is disingenuous to "celebrate" I was somewhat cold. I would have liked to have used the opening to have a conversation about going for counseling but believed that would have been shut down as she wouldn't want to talk about it as it would cause her stress. That is her MO; we never discuss anything.

So, I am sitting in my home office and I am sad. I feel sorrowful that I wasn't nicer on our anniversary. But she hasn't' touched me in at least five years; does not believe in me. We both started with nothing. She has been working to keep us afloat but is very angry that she has to work.The expression that success knows many fathers but failure is an orphan is very true. I suspect we are both staying together out of the financial necessity and the kids.

I feel bad. I believe that you learn about folks when you are challenges, when life deals you a crappy hand - in  short when you are down. When I was down, my wife clearly told me many times that she thought I was a fool and a failure. Very acerbic. In truth I was overly confident, illusioned if you by my early successes. She has a right to be pissed but either you believe in your partner or you don't.

For those in challenging marriages how do you handle the anniversary ? Do you acknowledge it, gloss over it ? I didn't want to fight or cause an argument so I elected not to engage but I do feel bad that she had a sad anniversary. And I could tell she was hurt. [/quote]

I'll be honest, victimhood is never attractive or appealing. You kind of acknowledge your role in this, but every time you do, it's immediately followed with a "but" and some reason why she's worse:

"I acknowledged it but as to me it is disingenuous to "celebrate" I was somewhat cold. I would have liked to have used the opening to have a conversation about going for counseling but believed that would have been shut down as she wouldn't want to talk about it as it would cause her stress."

"I feel sorrowful that I wasn't nicer on our anniversary. But she hasn't' touched me in at least five years; does not believe in me. "

"She has been working to keep us afloat but is very angry that she has to work."

"She has a right to be pissed but either you believe in your partner or you don't."

You basically fucked up your family's financial life with your own mistakes but blame her for the state of things, despite the fact that it sounds like she came through for you in a huge way during this crisis. I suspect that if you started taking true ownership of your role in this and acknowledging the sacrifices she's made to carry you through it, you might get a different response.[/quote]

+1. Listens to this poster.  Particularly the whole "I would have liked to have had a conversation with her but I wasn't willing to experience any negative consequences, so I didn't. Her fault!"

I'm sympathetic to her because I've been there. I supported my husband through basically 15 years of schooling -- with two retail jobs when we were young, and a professional job as we got older. All along he'd talk about how someday it would pay off. Well, I've accepted that it's not going to , and my role will always be to be the responsible one who supports the family.  I still love him very much, but there's resentment because my dreams have always been secondary to paying the rent etc while he pursues his.

If you took unnecessary risks with your family's security, I can understand resentment. [/quote]

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