How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?

[Anonymous]

So my H has a friend way back from his law school days, that we have been friends with for 20 years. He got a divorce about 9 years ago which caused a temporary rift between us as I was close to his wife and the whole situation became very tense. Thankfully we all moved on and my H and he remained good friends. So 1 year ago he announced that hes been dating and fallen in love with someone new. She is a Russian woman who moved here about 12 years ago, strikingly pretty (in an over the top kinda way) whipper snapper smart and quite assertive. Not sure how much is her and how much is the culture..don't know much about Russians.

So we have not by own choice gotten to know them as a couple. Two months ago they became engaged, wedding this fall. Seeing that this is one of my H's closest friends, they are in our life for good. The thing thats strange to me though is she's a "girls man" in other words shes more comfortable talking to men than women, when we are together, all her attention is to the guys and she very much makes it her business to be a part of their conversation. She really has no regard for the women or "girls chatter". Again not sure if this is her or part of the Russian culture?

It is at the point that I really do not have much interest in getting together with them, we have zero in common other than both being well educated. My question is this....how to handle? Is it OK to tell my H he is welcome to go out with his friend and we can do things as groups but in terms of just us as two couples I really do not enjoy myself and really don't want to be a part of those gatherings? Is that wrong? Am I being unreasonable? I just don't enjoy her company at all.

My H and I have a great relationship/marriage and I am very comfortable telling him of my feelings but curious to think if you think this is fair?

[Anonymous]

Unless your H absolutely wants you to go with him, I wouldn't feel obligated to socialize with them. You will have to probably suck it up a few times and have dinner with them, but since she doesn't really chat with you, just enjoy your meal and don't feel like you have to entertain her.

[Anonymous]

I would play it by ear and not say anything. If your husband wants to get together with them as a couple or you get invited by them as a couple, I would go. Sometimes you're going to really hit it off with someone and sometimes you just need to be polite.

[Anonymous]

OP, first you and the ladies likely need to get over the fact that she is beautiful, smart, assertive, and stop treating her like an interloper on your group.

You sound still bitter that she's now wife 1. And maybe, a little jealous/ envious of her.

She may be engaging in the men's talk because it's more engaging. I'm a DW and unless you have children, a lot of the "women's talk" can bore one to tears.

Personally, I'd love an energetic, educated, beautiful, funny Russian pal.

[Anonymous]

We have several Russian family members. Its a very different and very warm/loving culture. You either embrace her or shun her. Sounds like no matter what she does or say, you've chosen to shun her.

[Anonymous]

Threatened much? Your husband maybe next in line for a young beautuful Russian wife?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you went into this with a chip on your shoulder, OP. Try a different approach. Go out in a different setting (hiking, for example, rather than for dinner). If she's truly horrendous, make it clear to your DH that you want to keep "couple" socializing with that pair to a minimum.

FWIW, it can be very daunting to come in to an established circle of friends. She's also an expat, and there are cultural differences with which she must contend. For all you know, she could be feeling defensive, or as though she must hold her own with the guys in order to be accepted.

Have a heart. You never know what's going on with people.

[Anonymous]

I am often much more comfortable talking to my husbands male friends than their wives. The woman have all known eachother or many years and it's hard to break into their group whereas the guys seem to be more laid back and easy to talk to. The girls talk about people I don't know from their past, latest issues with their kids (several years older than mine), the great new restaurant they tried on the last girls night I wasn't invites to etc. Could you and the girls be unintentionally doing the same to her? And if her interests tend to align more with the guys, why is that bad? Are you jealous that she chats with your husband?

Unless she is actively rude to you, I think you need to let it go and try to get to know her more. As you build more shared experiences with her you'll have more to talk about. Ask her questions about her Russian upbringing so you can learn more about her culture.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I'm American and "women's chatter" generally bores the hell out of me, unless I'm with very good friends. I can talk about kids and home renovations for a little while, but I like to talk about current events and other "men's stuff" more. Maybe you can ask her about Russia? What she misses? Where is she from in Russia? where she went to school. ask her about her family there?

[Anonymous]

OP you are missing all the fun by segregating the men and the women. Get in there with her and broaden your circle.

[Anonymous]

No no no I think I am being misunderstood! I actually went in really wanting to like her/bond with her. I love her husband and honestly was so happy to see him happy. But she is well so different. No nonsense, really serious, and just unlike anyone I have ever met.

I have seen her in different situations and she always gravitates towards men, you rarely see her with other women.

I assure you I am not jealous, I actually admire her sense of style and can readily admit if someone is beautiful, thankfully I too am no slouch and confident/comfortable in my own skin. However i am not really interested in spending my time with someone who I guess is not really that interested, makes sense.

So my question was how to handle, just go along and smile for my husbands sake or encourage his friendship to continue with the men only.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you try to take her out for coffee. A little one on one. Tell her what you admire about her and how happy you are for both of them. Maybe she's used to jealous women and is wary of yo rejecting her. Maybe she's not hanging with guys but clinging to the doin to be husband. Maybe he told her how close you were to first wife? You need to honestly try at least one more time before you decide to write her off.

[Anonymous]

Soon to be. Ugh. I hate autocorrect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless your H absolutely wants you to go with him, I wouldn't feel obligated to socialize with them. You will have to probably suck it up a few times and have dinner with them, but since she doesn't really chat with you, just enjoy your meal and don't feel like you have to entertain her.

+1 to this advice
And you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about this OP. I'm sure it shines through. I wouldn't twist myself into a pretzel to kiss your butt if I were the Russian woman either- you won't like her either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless your H absolutely wants you to go with him, I wouldn't feel obligated to socialize with them. You will have to probably suck it up a few times and have dinner with them, but since she doesn't really chat with you, just enjoy your meal and don't feel like you have to entertain her.

+1 to this advice
And you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about this OP. I'm sure it shines through. I wouldn't twist myself into a pretzel to kiss your butt if I were the Russian woman either- you won't like her either way.

May I respectfully ask how you think I have a chip on my shoulder? Just curious.