How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman from Eastern Europe and I find it hard to bond with American women. The only female friends I have are also from Eastern Europe. In social situations I too gravitate to male conversation circle as it makes me feel less awkward. I do believe this is cultural. She very well may want to be friends with you but doesnt know how to approach. It is a lot easier to hide behind your wits, Russians do take time to warm up to other people.

I'm Korean, and sometimes I find it's easier to talk to men than women. I can be a bit insecure about my social skills and feel more judged by women. It's not always the case, but sometimes I feel this way.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to say anything special to your DH at this time. Just be polite and pleasant to her, but you don't need to make a special effort to be closer with her if it is clear she isn't interested.

[Anonymous]

Think it is cultural, the few I have done business with describe the person in question to a tee. I also studied abroad for one semester in Moscow so feel like I "get" the culture quite well. Plus you say she is very smart, she probably does connect more with men than women, who are more likely to be discussion busiest, world affairs and not cooking and manicure (not to imply this is what OP talks about)

They by and large, are not "girly girls" and come off as all business. I remember we had a corporate golf outing (men and women) and this one Russian women literally golfed and hung out with the men, it was striking to observe.

Resign yourself to the fact that you will never have a cozy relationship but be cordial and polite, maybe don't go out every time you are asked but every other as a fair compromise?

[Anonymous]

Take her out and talk about literature and classical music. This always works. Also, talking about world politics is also a accepted topic of conversation

[Anonymous]

That's how they roll- they are not girly girls at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's how they roll- they are not girly girls at all

That is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. All our Russian family/women are very "girly" especially when it comes to looks, clothing, shoes, makeup and mannerisms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman from Eastern Europe and I find it hard to bond with American women. The only female friends I have are also from Eastern Europe. In social situations I too gravitate to male conversation circle as it makes me feel less awkward. I do believe this is cultural. She very well may want to be friends with you but doesnt know how to approach. It is a lot easier to hide behind your wits, Russians do take time to warm up to other people.

This is my story too (Russian here). I think I misunderstand some social code, because I only become friends with American women after a lot of time spent together (e.g, I am close with my former officemates, grad school lab mates, etc.). I never know how to get to the next level of friendship with women I don't know much and I suck at small talk. At parties I hang out with men because they seem to appreciate my self-deprecating humor, and they are usually funny too. American women often get weirded out by me I think. And I have my own Russian high school sweetheart husband that I adore, so I am not hunting for American husband or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's how they roll- they are not girly girls at all

That is the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. All our Russian family/women are very "girly" especially when it comes to looks, clothing, shoes, makeup and mannerisms.

Bizarre? Not one bit- yes looks wise they are very feminine and love fashion, etc....but how they interact is where they leave the girly girl at the door- they are stronger than the average American woman which is why most are much more comfortable in the company of men. Nothing wrong with that mind you, just the way it is!

[Anonymous]

I think its more of a cultural thing than anything. Also do you work? Maybe you could try as an experiment to change the direction of conversation and make it more about business and see if her tune changes at all? Just a thought. My roommate in law school was Russian, so I got to know more about the culture/people there and I think this sounds atypical. Could be wrong just my own observation.

They seem more no nonsense and not into the silly fluff that many NOT ALL American women tend to talk about. Mind you, its not only Russian, French are very much that way too.

[Anonymous]

First of all I think if you are in a social circle where you feel that "women's talk" is houses and kids and "men's talk" is interesting other things, then YOU need to change the conversation or the social groups- ours is seriously nothing like this! I like the adage that if you are bored, then you are boring in a lot of ways. This is one of my pet peeves, the total BS thing that some women do (as seen by some PPs) that feels then need to elevate themselves above "most women" by the identifying of things that are male as better "I'm a guys gal" and the like as to be somehow cooler. Ugh.

"all her friends are guys.........red flag"

[Anonymous]

"Keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer."

-- The Corleone Family Advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my H has a friend way back from his law school days, that we have been friends with for 20 years. He got a divorce about 9 years ago which caused a temporary rift between us as I was close to his wife and the whole situation became very tense. Thankfully we all moved on and my H and he remained good friends. So 1 year ago he announced that hes been dating and fallen in love with someone new. She is a Russian woman who moved here about 12 years ago, strikingly pretty (in an over the top kinda way) whipper snapper smart and quite assertive. Not sure how much is her and how much is the culture..don't know much about Russians.

So we have not by own choice gotten to know them as a couple. Two months ago they became engaged, wedding this fall. Seeing that this is one of my H's closest friends, they are in our life for good. The thing thats strange to me though is she's a "girls man" in other words shes more comfortable talking to men than women, when we are together, all her attention is to the guys and she very much makes it her business to be a part of their conversation. She really has no regard for the women or "girls chatter". Again not sure if this is her or part of the Russian culture?

It is at the point that I really do not have much interest in getting together with them, we have zero in common other than both being well educated. My question is this....how to handle? Is it OK to tell my H he is welcome to go out with his friend and we can do things as groups but in terms of just us as two couples I really do not enjoy myself and really don't want to be a part of those gatherings? Is that wrong? Am I being unreasonable? I just don't enjoy her company at all.

My H and I have a great relationship/marriage and I am very comfortable telling him of my feelings but curious to think if you think this is fair?

You're not in high school or college anymore but as I tell my kids this stuff never ends. Get together with them on neutral ground. Dinner and a show or movie. Go to the kennedy center-busy place and no need for personal chat. Once or twice a year and it's OK. You can't talk in a show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its more of a cultural thing than anything. Also do you work? Maybe you could try as an experiment to change the direction of conversation and make it more about business and see if her tune changes at all? Just a thought. My roommate in law school was Russian, so I got to know more about the culture/people there and I think this sounds atypical. Could be wrong just my own observation.

They seem more no nonsense and not into the silly fluff that many NOT ALL American women tend to talk about. Mind you, its not only Russian, French are very much that way too.

I am African and I've had a very good Russian friend as well. She was strikingly beautiful, smart, and no nonsense but she wasn't full of herself. They very much like to bond with other women in an intimate way as that is very much common in their culture. However, culturally, she may not feel as inclined to invest in bonding with American women as things seems to stay at a superficial level no matter how smiley and friendly and open they appear. You never get past stage one. You always feel you're starting over when ever you meet instead moving to deeper levels of friendship no matter how many years you've known them. It is a very controlled and frustrating way of interacting, but I've learned to handle that cultural aspect of having friendships here and adjust my expectations. OP, your friend's fiancee may very much be interested in getting to know you but have not yet negotiated how to go about it.

[Anonymous]

How did the two of them meet? Maybe they don't know each other that well, and she doesn't want his close friends to see that, or to see they rushed into a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Russian here and I confess I do find it more natural to talk to men because a lot of the typical conversation about children, homes, fashion, celebrities is not interesting to me and I find American women tend to talk about that stuff in social settings (unless you are good friends and then can have 'real' topics of conversation; it seems to be a social convention to discuss very superficial, non-controversial stuff unless you truly know each other), while with men, even if they don't know you too well, topics of conversation are more my thing - politics, work etc.

I've been here a very long time and have learned how to 'fake it' to fit in, but it's not my natural inclination at all.