How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?

[Anonymous]

OP, let things happen naturally. You're trying "to decide" what this relationship will be? So YOU will be comfortable.

That doesn't make sense. And, frankly, isn't very nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer."

-- The Corleone Family Advice

"He was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time! Players couldn't get a drink at the table! What's the matter with you? "
Moe Green

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my H has a friend way back from his law school days, that we have been friends with for 20 years. He got a divorce about 9 years ago which caused a temporary rift between us as I was close to his wife and the whole situation became very tense. Thankfully we all moved on and my H and he remained good friends. So 1 year ago he announced that hes been dating and fallen in love with someone new. She is a Russian woman who moved here about 12 years ago, strikingly pretty (in an over the top kinda way) whipper snapper smart and quite assertive. Not sure how much is her and how much is the culture..don't know much about Russians.

So we have not by own choice gotten to know them as a couple. Two months ago they became engaged, wedding this fall. Seeing that this is one of my H's closest friends, they are in our life for good. The thing thats strange to me though is she's a "girls man" in other words shes more comfortable talking to men than women, when we are together, all her attention is to the guys and she very much makes it her business to be a part of their conversation. She really has no regard for the women or "girls chatter". Again not sure if this is her or part of the Russian culture?

It is at the point that I really do not have much interest in getting together with them, we have zero in common other than both being well educated. My question is this....how to handle? Is it OK to tell my H he is welcome to go out with his friend and we can do things as groups but in terms of just us as two couples I really do not enjoy myself and really don't want to be a part of those gatherings? Is that wrong? Am I being unreasonable? I just don't enjoy her company at all.

My H and I have a great relationship/marriage and I am very comfortable telling him of my feelings but curious to think if you think this is fair?

Is it 1955? OP, I am confused by your outlook on this entire situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let things happen naturally. You're trying "to decide" what this relationship will be? So YOU will be comfortable.

That doesn't make sense. And, frankly, isn't very nice.

Not OP but what isn't nice?? She is sating that she does not have a connection with this person and doesn't want to spend time with her, so what! Life is short, OP if you dont care for her or get vibes that she does not care for you then tell your husband and tell him every now and then you will go along but that you don't want to be included. I am sure he will understand.

I had a not so different situation and eventually my husband also did not care for hanging out with this friends spouse so gradually we drifted apart. They occasionally play golf together and thats about it. Fine by me.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP sounds jealous. I think this woman is not her cup of tea -- she sounds like a very over the top, big personality, and she probably evokes strong reactions in people. OP, on the bright side, it's a good thing that she's well educated, so at least you guys have that in common. You probably don't need to see her as much as you fear you need to, and she probably doesn't think you're so hot either. I'm sure that the husbands will figure out that they can't re-create the dynamic that used to prevail when the two couples hung out when wife #1 was there, and the guys will find ways to be together without putting the women in an uncomfortable situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may end up liking her. But it is totally up to you to decide if you two should be friends. I would not go out of my way to friend her, but just let it happen. If it doesn't, then no big loss. She does not sound culturally compatible to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the haters. We all have met women like this, it spans cultures but agree is more prevalent in more patriarchal cultures. It just so happens I had similar experiences with a Latina and an Indian woman.

I would attend some but not all of the dinners. Start fading away and eventually the husbands will start to socialize without you.

[Anonymous]

My husband has friends with wives I don't really like or click with. There's only one that I go out of my way to avoid. I often request my DH just meet his friend for lunch or a drink instead of doing a couple/family thing all together. The rest aren't my favorites, but they are nice women and easy enough to chat with for a bit.

And even the one who I really dislike, I'd hang out with her for an evening or go to dinner here or there. Not all the time, but occasionally would be fine. Plus it'd give me good stories to tell because she says the MOST outrageous things. It's almost amusing if it wasn't so rude.

[Anonymous]

A former co-worker complained to me the other day that when her boss and a Russian co-worker are in a meeting, she feels like the third wheel. I know this Russian girl and I can totally see that, she's a girl's girl, but if a man is in the room, she perks up and becomes someone else. Almost like double personality, lots of flirting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the haters. We all have met women like this, it spans cultures but agree is more prevalent in more patriarchal cultures. It just so happens I had similar experiences with a Latina and an Indian woman.

I would attend some but not all of the dinners. Start fading away and eventually the husbands will start to socialize without you.

Ding ding ding ding!

God, I remember even saying "I get along better with guys" and whatnot to try to show people that my identity was "cool" when I was in my late teens- meaning the message we all get and perpetuate is that male is good, females are "catty and dramatic" (as if dude's can't get to be both of those things- ever spend time in a college frat house?!), I cringe when I think of that now. The reality was that I got along swimmingly with BOTH men and women but somehow that doesn't convey cool as much. Glad I figured that out by early 20s and could proudly say that I love being part of a circle of strong, smart, kind women just as much as being "a guys gal"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let things happen naturally. You're trying "to decide" what this relationship will be? So YOU will be comfortable.

That doesn't make sense. And, frankly, isn't very nice.

+1

Just be gracious and friendly. You don't have to be BFFs but since your husbands are good friends, you should at least make an effort to get along and make her feel welcome. That would be the decent, polite thing to do.