DH "helping" me clean up
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Anonymous
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Does anyone else's husband do this thing, where you clean up 99%, and then he swoops in to do some simple, easy, 60 second task to "help" you.
EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, after I cook and feed the kids, I clean up everything in the kitchen. We have 3 kids. There are school papers, food, dishes, pans, toys, and other kid randomness everywhere by that time. When it gets to the point that the kitchen is spotless and the counter just needs to be wiped down, he magically *appears* to ask if I need any help and wipes off 1/3 of the counter space. Or he'll put 2 cups in the dishwasher. Or put a box of cereal in the pantry. It pisses me off. I'd rather he not even help at that point. I don't know if it's purposeful and he wants to make sure he gets "credit" for helping me clean up, or he's just that clueless and engrossed in whatever he was doing and didn't realize I was cleaning up until I was basically done. It's gotten to the point that when he comes into the kitchen to offer his help, I'm like "No, that's okay, I got it, I'm almost done" but he insists on doing his 60 seconds of cleaning that truly isn't that helpful. And then he will later bring up how he tries to make my life easier by helping me clean up. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like a family joke in the making. Do you tease him when he does it? |
Anonymous
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Why don't you suggest he just do all of the cleaning, although I have to warn you, a DH's version of "all clean" is usually very different than a DW's version. There have been many threads on here indicating as much.
This is us. My DH does the cleaning because I cook. But, he's not as thorough, like he doesn't wipe down the counters, or the table, so the next day, there's usually crumbs on the table. I've had to ask him to wipe it down numerous times. You'd think he'd get it after the x number of times, but... |
Anonymous
Well, if you are up for it, you could be sarcastic, and when your dh asks "can i do anything to help", you could say, "sure, why don't you put the 2 cups away like you usually do and call it a day." 
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Anonymous
| Finish feeding the kids and then ask him to help you clean up before you start. |
Anonymous
Yes, and he gets his feelings hurt. 
That's why I've taken to just trying to tell him not to help me, and he just goes around trying to find something to do! Obviously this isn't a serious marital issue, just really annoying. But I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this and if they think their husband does it on purpose or they're clueless. |
Anonymous
I love this!! Unfortunately, he'd get his panties in a wad and probably go sit down and sulk. It's funny how a man's memory is different than a women's. When he comes to do his 1 easy task, it's equivalent in his mind to helping me clean the kitchen. |
Anonymous
| Why don't you leave all the cleaning up to him some times? What is he doing when you're doing all that cleaning? Is he putting the kids to bed? Whatever it is, ask if you can alternate. Really - there's no point being upset about it. That's probably his way of saying "I appreciate/acknowledge what you have done here". Don't expect a thank you. Just work out how to divide things evenly so no one gets annoyed. Don't pick fights and definitely don't use the sarcasm some PPs have suggested. |
Anonymous
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Your DH feels guilty for not helping, but doesn't want to do all of it. Or, maybe he doesn't know exactly *how* to help? Maybe he could load all the dirty dishes in the washer, or put away all the clean ones, and you could do the wiping up and washing pots/pans.
But, there are some men that just don't see the clutter, dirt, crumbs, etc..., kind of like kids. It's pretty annoying. |
Anonymous
| As a guy, I'll say that likely the only way he'll understand how much or how little he is actually helping is for him to do the whole job regularly, say once/week. So, periodically you should suggest "Tonight, you should clean the kitchen so I can help the kids finish their homework." While he does the whole cleanup, you do your other task (it doesn't have to be homework). The first few times, you'll have to finish, so when he's close to finishing what he thinks is finished, you can come in and wipe down the counters or the table, or whatever last task or two needs to be done and tell him you're happy he cleaned. Talk to him, while you finish those last tasks, so he can see what you're doing that he missed. Really, guys have to experience these types of things to have any chance of truly understanding how big a job is. Otherwise, you'll continue to have this disconnect between his perception and the reality. |
Anonymous
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My husband would "do the dishes" (load the dishwasher) but actually leave all the big dishes to "soak" (unnecessarily) in the sink. And then he'd scamper off to work the next day, leaving me with nasty soaking dishes in the sink. I would have rather just done them the night before if I was going to get stuck with them anyway (I telecommute so it's not like I'm a SAHM - yet I'm home all day and need to use the sink).
At first I just tried pointing out "I don't really think that needs to soak." Didn't work. He washed that dish that night, but he didn't get the picture that I mean most nights the pans didn't need to soak. Finally I just told him - "Look, I really appreciate that you help clean up after dinner. But I feel like you're getting all the 'credit' for doing the dishes, but you leave in the morning and leave me with the big pans to scrub. It really irks me. I don't really care if you do the dishes or if I do the dishes, but I don't want dishes left in the sink when you leave for work. Would you rather take care of them or do you want me to? I just need clear expectations of who is doing what so I'm not getting resentful." He still leaves them to soak overnight, but he does them in the morning before going to work. I can deal with that. And now his "credit" for doing dishes is deserved. I know it sounds stupid that I was getting irked he was getting "credit" for doing dishes, but it really was about - he could do the easy parts of the job and feel like he was contributing, while really leaving more of a mess for me. So I totally feel you OP. My DH is a great guy, so a direct conversation is all it took. But I resisted because I just wanted him to know - failing approach. Just be direct and ask for exactly what you want him to do, in a nice way. My DH will absolutely help with anything I ask for, but he has no problem being completely oblivious if I don't ask with extreme clarity. |
Anonymous
| Just tell him to go vacuum or fold the laundry or something else that isn't done yet. |
Anonymous
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. It does make me feel silly, but it still gets on my nerves.
This is the issue, so I guess I do need to just spell it out for him. But I hate that, it makes me feel like I'm talking to a child. Sometimes he'll be in the room next to me, but he can be pretty oblivious. But literally he only seems to notice I'm cleaning when I'm basically done! His timing is impeccable.
Sometimes he's doing work on the computer. Sometimes he's watching TV. Or doing something in the garage. I throw the kids in the bathtub and let them play (aka, wear themselves out) while I go back downstairs to clean up. |
Anonymous
8:59 here again. I started to write more and then decided my post was long enough - but I specifically had the phrase "I know it sounds like I"m treating him like a kid." So I TOTALLY feel you. And my husband is a great guy, I'm super happy with him. But in this particular area, our skill sets and tolerance level is so vastly different, it is a little like dealing with a kid. Of course it has to be done in a very respectful way, use the right tone of voice, and that's what makes the big difference between talking "down" to a kid and "asking for help" from a peer. I also very often use the "give them a choice" technique with my husband. I'm not doing it in a manipulative or talking-down way, but it's human nature that someone will be more invested if they are given a choice. So as we're getting up from the table, I'll say "There's a load of laundry that needs to be put away too - do you want to divide and conquer, or do you want to do both of them together?" Making it clear that just because he is loading the dishwasher (with my help clearing the table), he's not DONE and shouldn't walk away. But if he wants to do the kitchen by himself, then I'll do the laundry by myself. Either way we both get done with chores at the same time. My husband and I have very different levels of what we notice and what bothers us in the house. Since I am the one with higher standards, I do end up taking on a bit more, but I've also just accepted I need to be extremely direct about what I want because it would never occur to him. There is likely some other facet of your life where he needs to be direct with you because you just don't care as much as he does. This is a dumb example, but one for us would be getting the mail. I could leave mail in the box for 3 - 4 days and only get it once in awhile (and did when I was single). He is a stickler that he doesn't like mail left out in the box overnight. It just doesn't occur to me to care about that. So probably about 70% of days, he ends up going and getting it, but he has also had to directly say to me "I'd prefer we not leave mail in the box overnight, if I'm not home." Fine, I'm happy to accommodate, even if I don't really "get it." But he had to tell me directly. Maybe if you can think of area where he has higher/different standards and it just doesn't occur to you, you would have an easier time relating on this issue. |
Anonymous
| My DH did this when we still had bottle/pump/etc things to clean every night with a gajillion parts to them. He'd watch tv. Finally I said "Do you think I enjoy doing this alone?" I mean, get a clue, dude. |