Financially tough times...okay to ask uncle to help, considering circumstances...?

Anonymous
DH lost his job around this time last year. After several frustrating months he finally settled on a new job, but it is only part time, so he makes less money and has significantly fewer benefits. I had been working part time but was barely making enough to cover the cost of part time daycare by myself, so I've switched to being a SAHM (while DH works part time), and am taking in neighbors kids and tutoring high schoolers for extra cash. We've been having a really tough time making ends meet, but are doing the best we can. I've brought this up to my parents, but they are not in a position to help financially (and do not live nearby so they cannot help watch the kids, etc). DHs parents are no longer with us.

I've been thinking more and more about my extended family situation: My Dads parents were quite wealthy. But in the late 1970s and early 80s, my uncle "borrowed" over $150,000 from them, to use as venture capital for his business ideas. After several failed attempts, he finally founded a very successful business in the mid 80s, and became quite rich. However, he never paid his parents back. His father died in 1993, and his mother had a very lengthy battle with Alzheimer's. Their entire estate went to pay for her medical care, and my parents ended up having to pay for her last year of care and her funeral as well. My uncle didn't even go to her funeral.

My uncle has kept in touch with my parents, who do not hold any of this against him (they are very forgiving people). My parents often forward me emails from my uncle which are updates from his kids, who have greatly benefitted from his wealth (he bought one of his sons a ten acre farm in rural VA, the other son was able to establish a career in polo, with his dad's help of course, and lives in an extravagant home on the beach in Miami Beach).

I feel a great deal of personal resentment towards my uncle. Not only did he STEAL what might have been my (and my parents) inheritance, but he also refused to help pay for his mothers care and eventual funeral during her long bout with Alzheimer's, leaving my parents to foot the bill (after what remained of their estate had been spent). I have never been close with my uncle, for obvious reasons, but he would pop up once every few years for Christmas at my parents place, etc. I admit that I am jealous of my cousins, because they have never had to work a day in their lives (sorry, I don't consider playing polo "work,"), while I had to get my first job (in a restaurant) at 15, pay for my own first car, pay for college myself, etc.

Is there any way I can consider asking my uncle for financial help during this difficult time? I really think the reason he didn't help with his mom or go to her funeral was because he felt guilty on some level for never paying his parents back, so maybe this can be a way to help make things right? I realize he might just say no, but I'm not sure if there is any harm in just asking? I know my parents would not be happy if I asked, but I think they would ultimately understand.

I'm curious to hear what others think about this. Thanks.
Anonymous
I think you are tacky. You speak so poorly of your uncle, yet you want to borrow money from him because you feel he stole what could have been yours.
Anonymous
First, your uncle didn't steal any money. It was given to him by his parents. They can choose how to spend their money.

I suspect you don't have the full story on the family finances. It really isn't your business what the arrangement was between hm and your parents. Asking your parents to take up the cause and approach him about the money seems awkward at best. It might actually sever any relationship that they have with him.

The whole things sounds weird (him not going to the funeral). I bet there is way more to the story than you even know.

Think about your parents before you make any moves.
Anonymous
yikes to all of this. how can you chastise with the left hand but hold the right hang out for begging?
Anonymous
Spend more time looking for work and less trying to justify why a relative should give you money. Maybe this entitlement attitude comes across in your dealings with people and that's why you can't get full time work.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:DH lost his job around this time last year. After several frustrating months he finally settled on a new job, but it is only part time, so he makes less money and has significantly fewer benefits. I had been working part time but was barely making enough to cover the cost of part time daycare by myself, so I've switched to being a SAHM (while DH works part time), and am taking in neighbors kids and tutoring high schoolers for extra cash. We've been having a really tough time making ends meet, but are doing the best we can. I've brought this up to my parents, but they are not in a position to help financially (and do not live nearby so they cannot help watch the kids, etc). DHs parents are no longer with us.

I've been thinking more and more about my extended family situation: My Dads parents were quite wealthy. But in the late 1970s and early 80s, my uncle "borrowed" over $150,000 from them, to use as venture capital for his business ideas. After several failed attempts, he finally founded a very successful business in the mid 80s, and became quite rich. However, he never paid his parents back. His father died in 1993, and his mother had a very lengthy battle with Alzheimer's. Their entire estate went to pay for her medical care, and my parents ended up having to pay for her last year of care and her funeral as well. My uncle didn't even go to her funeral.

My uncle has kept in touch with my parents, who do not hold any of this against him (they are very forgiving people). My parents often forward me emails from my uncle which are updates from his kids, who have greatly benefitted from his wealth (he bought one of his sons a ten acre farm in rural VA, the other son was able to establish a career in polo, with his dad's help of course, and lives in an extravagant home on the beach in Miami Beach).

I feel a great deal of personal resentment towards my uncle. Not only did he STEAL what might have been my (and my parents) inheritance, but he also refused to help pay for his mothers care and eventual funeral during her long bout with Alzheimer's, leaving my parents to foot the bill (after what remained of their estate had been spent). I have never been close with my uncle, for obvious reasons, but he would pop up once every few years for Christmas at my parents place, etc. I admit that I am jealous of my cousins, because they have never had to work a day in their lives (sorry, I don't consider playing polo "work,"), while I had to get my first job (in a restaurant) at 15, pay for my own first car, pay for college myself, etc.

Is there any way I can consider asking my uncle for financial help during this difficult time? I really think the reason he didn't help with his mom or go to her funeral was because he felt guilty on some level for never paying his parents back, so maybe this can be a way to help make things right? I realize he might just say no, but I'm not sure if there is any harm in just asking? I know my parents would not be happy if I asked, but I think they would ultimately understand.

I'm curious to hear what others think about this. Thanks.


There is no such thing as an "inheritance" while a person is alive. There is only that person's money.

The money in question belonged to your grandparents. Not your parents, not you, your grandparents.

You sound desperate and petty. Why don't you work full-time, yourself?
Anonymous
The TL;DR version: you suck, gimme money
Anonymous
Hmm it was just a question but fair enough, I have my answer.

And I've been told about this by a few different relatives over the years, but every time I've been told very specifically they "loaned" him the money, they did not "give" it to him, but we're never paid back.

In any case it's true there is probably more to the story than I know. I wish you all didn't have to be quite so rude about it, but I do appreciate the insight, and I won't consider asking my uncle for money again.
Anonymous
I mean, you can certainly ask a family member for help if you are in a time of need, but it doesn't seem like you have much of a relationship with your uncle, and you seem to be coming at it from an angle that you are entitled to the money rather than asking him to help you. So under the circumstances you described, probably not.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Hmm it was just a question but fair enough, I have my answer.

And I've been told about this by a few different relatives over the years, but every time I've been told very specifically they "loaned" him the money, they did not "give" it to him, but we're never paid back.

In any case it's true there is probably more to the story than I know. I wish you all didn't have to be quite so rude about it, but I do appreciate the insight, and I won't consider asking my uncle for money again.


This is not your battle to fight and its dead anyway (literally). Plus that still doesn't entitled YOU to a dime. Ask for money if you want to but don't use your justification because its faulty. I also agree its tacky to talk so poorly of him and expect money out of him.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Hmm it was just a question but fair enough, I have my answer.

And I've been told about this by a few different relatives over the years, but every time I've been told very specifically they "loaned" him the money, they did not "give" it to him, but we're never paid back.

In any case it's true there is probably more to the story than I know. I wish you all didn't have to be quite so rude about it, but I do appreciate the insight, and I won't consider asking my uncle for money again.



The repaid loan could have been spent on medical expenses or anything else and you would be in the same financial position today. That ship sailed a log time ago.
Anonymous
Why don't you get a job working the night shift so you don't have to worry about child care? CVS is open 24 hours and could always use cashiers
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Hmm it was just a question but fair enough, I have my answer.

And I've been told about this by a few different relatives over the years, but every time I've been told very specifically they "loaned" him the money, they did not "give" it to him, but we're never paid back.

In any case it's true there is probably more to the story than I know. I wish you all didn't have to be quite so rude about it, but I do appreciate the insight, and I won't consider asking my uncle for money again.


Even if that is 100% true, it is not your concern. It has no impact on you. It was not then, and is not now your money.
Anonymous
OP I get it. You are dire straits and need money.

You see a potentially rich uncle (you actually have no idea what his finances look like) and you are trying to work up the courage to ask him for help. I think that is why you have concocted some theory based on entitlement and him stealing from your grandparents.

At the end of the day, your justification is unhealthy. You are trying to turn "what if's" into why you are justified asking and recieving. At the end of the day, your uncle turned your GP's investment into a lucrative business. He may not have been the best son to them or brother to your parents, but the money that he has made belongs to him. You are no more entitled to that money than I am. There is no harm in asking, but you need to ditch that justification theory you have. You also need to be prepared for a no and you also need to be prepared to answer question of how you plan to make sure this situation never happens again. Because if I were to give you money, I woud want assurances that you will not be back in 6 months.
Anonymous
Nice sense of entitlement you've got there.
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