Is cutting contact too extreme?

[Anonymous]

A while bk I'd posted on this issue but I have a new question and appreciate any thoughts.
In high school, a relative had lay down behind me on bed while I was on my side and, while it seemed innocuous at first, moved his
hand up my side (w/ shirt) and it was stopped by my elbow that I was bound and determined not to move.
At one point I thought I'd remember kiss on neck but I'm no Brian Williams, this was many years ago and I'll stick w/
that shirt part which I remember distinctly. One of us got off the bed and life went on.
The thing I remember most is that awful gut feeling of this is not a familial moment. So nothing "happened", my elbow was the "no" but
the whole thing I remember the MOST vividly today was the awful feeling that this relative crossed what felt like a family boundary
into something else however minor. A few therapists reacted "meh" to it, a few were like this is abuse etc.
Flash forward, this relative has spent a lot of time w/ my kids. But my dd last year says " I don't want to see" said relative. She said it twice.
She's 5. They were traveling to see us so I ignored her moved on etc. We've seen them twice in past year. But then at holidays
hits me like ton of bricks. I wasn't listening to her and I had that awful feeling boundaries moment w/ him myself. I realized that whether that
was indication or not something happened w/ her (and I imagine that's highly unlikely) I had my moment w/ him could she have too?
So I bailed on seeing them for holidays.
Now they want to see kids again and I'm feeling less and less like engaging. I had this big wake up call that I need to listen to her and frankly it
triggered a feeling or two about back then. Now I don't want to see them myself but more importantly don't I have
an obligation to keep her from the relative or is that too extreme? From what I've said here I would be so grateful for opinions. These are very close relatives and it would
forever mar or even obliterate those relationships but my strong reaction everytime I think about my dd is not to see them. But then I feel terrible because it will cause serious turmoil. TIA

[Anonymous]

I would keep my distance and always be present with my kids whenever contact does happen.

[Anonymous]

I think your relative went for it, and respected your "no". I think your relative might go for it again, with your daughter. Might not, but might.

I wouldn't get together with them. I don't care about adults being upset more than I care about keeping my kids from possible abuse.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you need to cut off all contact, but I certainly would never leave my daughter unsupervised around this relative.

[Anonymous]

Cutting off contact is your prerogative. If you're not comfortable going that far, would you be willing to not allow them into your house? When they come visit, they have to stay at a hotel, you will meet them out in public (e.g., dinner in a restaurant), and they are never left alone with your kids (nor are your kids obligated to give hugs or kisses that might make them uncomfortable)? I agree that it's important for you to protect your children in this situation, but without more details it's hard to give suggestions on managing it.

[Anonymous]

op here: I think them informing them they have to stay in hotel, or not staying with them would be a huge red flag for them
that there is something going on as it's very close relatives. They'd demand to know what the heck was happening.

[Anonymous]

op here: sorry, meant informing them

[Anonymous]

Is it your brother? I think you should discuss with your daughter about stranger danger, how to say no, etc.

Btw, what's up with your weird posts where you hit enter after about 10 words? It's a little hard to read.

[Anonymous]

How old was the relative when this happened? I had a similar experience with an older teenage relative when I was 10ish. When I had kids, this relative pulled me aside to apologize for that moment, and to let me know that he hoped I wouldn't feel uncomfortable with him around my kids, but understood if I was.

In my case, I genuinely think it was a case of bad teenage judgement and not a sign of ongoing problematic behavior. In your case, it could be the same thing, or it could be "something." Honestly, I wouldn't cut off contact or even limit socialization with this relative over the situation, but you could make a case for doing so and I wouldn't judge you. If you do decide to limit contact, I think they deserve to know why.

[Anonymous]

op here: it's my dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here: I think them informing them they have to stay in hotel, or not staying with them would be a huge red flag for them
that there is something going on as it's very close relatives. They'd demand to know what the heck was happening.

I realize you're in a very emotionally difficult situation here. At some point, though, you need to decide if this strategy of appeasement can keep your children safe and, if not, you're willing to accept a confrontation to protect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here: it's my dad

I guess I see this differently since it's your dad. As a kid I would often climb into my parent's bed and sleep on my dad's side. He would rarely wake up, but would wrap his arms around me. I don't see this as inappropriate what he did. Maybe he was asleep when his hand touched your side?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here: it's my dad

This changes things, both in terms of the consequences of cutting off contact and the nature of the touching. Given that it happened once and he didn't push the issue, I'm more on the "meh" side of things.

And for the sake of your family, *talk* your dad, or at least your mom, before going off the deep end and exploding your family. In cases of real abuse this kind of family destruction is hard and life-changing for all involved, though often necessary. If you are going to tear them apart over this, they at least deserve to know why.

[Anonymous]

Did you write this another time but said it was a cousin ? If you did, I'd cut ties with my family quick. Sounds like a den of pedophiles.

If you feel it's wrong, it's wrong period. I would not allow my kids to go near any adult, family or not, if they couldn't keep their hand to themselves. They are the first ones to claim a child provoked them when questionable behavior occurs. Nasty mother f***ers.

[Anonymous]

op here : I'm not trying or wanting to tear people apart over this. It's just that situation coupled w/ my daughter saying what she did has made me really uncomfortable.