Is cutting contact too extreme?

[Anonymous]

What is your relationship with your dad like? What other impressions of him/information about him do you have about him that will paint a more complete picture? Is he he a substance abuser? Pillar of his community? Etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your relationship with your dad like? What other impressions of him/information about him do you have about him that will paint a more complete picture? Is he he a substance abuser? Pillar of his community? Etc...

Where are you going with this question?

[Anonymous]

OP, what does your daughter say when you ask her why she doesn't want to see them?

[Anonymous]

Op here: she's five. She was 4 when she said that. She didn't elaborate other than "I don't know".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here : my gut in this situation is all I've got.

Then you should trust it. Whether or not you cut off contact with him, you should never permit him to be alone with her.

I'm really sorry. It's a rotten situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you're really conflicted. Honestly, I recommend that you don't cut off all ties and break complete contact, but you never, ever leave your daughter alone with your dad. If you're not watching her when everyone is visiting, watch him. If he leaves the room (and she's not in your eyesight) follow him and see where he goes.

It's a lot of work, but something I think you have to do. Also, teach your daughter to not be alone with "grandpa." Tell her that you don't want her going anywhere with him and teach her to say "no" to him. If you feel you can't confront him, say, "mom, dad, it's something I strongly believe. In my gut I don't want her XYZ (sleeping over, going to the store with you, going for a walk...whatever)" If he has pedophilia tendencies, he'll get it and not push (especially since your elbow stopped him before, he may not be aggressive about it).

This is also my advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here: it's my dad

Your dad tried to molest you. He doesn't need to see you or your children. Period. IT's not too much to cut off contact.

[Anonymous]

I'm so confused. Was the hand under or over the shirt? Where was it? On a boob?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused. Was the hand under or over the shirt? Where was it? On a boob?

Hand was over shirt, hip/waist to elbow.

[Anonymous]

Your child deserves more respect -- sometimes things happen and kids cannot, don't or won't put the experience into the right words for adults to react appropriately, some kids even have really good intuition (you did, as a kid). Just because "nothing" happened, something happened -- it happened to you and something happened to your child. Parents can't afford to send mixed signals to kids like "No Means No ...unless it's Grandpa, and then you need to prove to me that whatever made you uncomfortable was worth reporting and acting on...."

I had a bad experience once as a kid -- and it was "just" a phone call. Believe me, these experiences stay with a child. Don't socialize with him with your child. Go separately if you want to see your dad. Have you asked your mom about this? I wonder if she has a view on this (knows, won't admit, afraid, abused, oblivious....?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused. Was the hand under or over the shirt? Where was it? On a boob?

Hand was over shirt, hip/waist to elbow.

I think there's so much more to this story than you are saying if you are willing to cut all contact to your parents over this one incident which could be construed different ways.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Op here: thx for your thoughts. What would you do if anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: thx for your thoughts. What would you do if anything?

wow. missed this thread yesterday.

After reading through all the responses, I'd try to talk to your dad, or at least your mom, before cutting off contact. But I'm close with my family and it would be worth it to have an awkward, difficult, and painful confrontation to possibly save my and my daughter's relationship with my dad. It sounds like that may not be the case in your family?

or, if I felt like I just couldn't confront dad, I'd keep seeing them but keep a close eye on dad/daughter.

[Anonymous]

^^sorry, should have added that--for me--cutting off contact before talking to dad would be too extreme, but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think this is something you need to be working through with your therapist - not crowdsourcing here.

It's impossible for us to give good advice as we (appropriately) know so little about the situation.

I wish you luck.