Is cutting contact too extreme?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here : I'm not trying or wanting to tear people apart over this. It's just that situation coupled w/ my daughter saying what she did has made me really uncomfortable.

Why does your daughter not want to see them? Did she indicate something happened?

What is your relationship with your parents like? There's really no way to cut contact without tearing people apart, I'm afraid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here: I think them informing them they have to stay in hotel, or not staying with them would be a huge red flag for them
that there is something going on as it's very close relatives. They'd demand to know what the heck was happening.

And if you say it would work better for your family and they still don't respect your boundaries, that's additional reason for you to keep some distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here: it's my dad

I'd look him straight in the eyes and say "Well I remember when you laid behind me on a bed when I was a kid and tried to put your hand up my shirt and I blocked it with my arm. I remember how un-fatherly that felt to me. DD has told me she is uncomfortable with you. I believe people should feel safe in their homes. You staying in our home would make DD feel unsafe and that makes me feel unsafe. So that's why you're not welcome to stay over here. This is not negotiable. I don't care if you are angry. Just like you would say you have to do whatever you need to keep me safe when I was a child, I will do the same with my child."

[Anonymous]

op here: I can't have that conversation with him. I'm terrified but prepared to cut contact and explain via letter why but not for confrontation of that ilk. That
would implode things anyway and have same effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here: I can't have that conversation with him. I'm terrified but prepared to cut contact and explain via letter why but not for confrontation of that ilk. That
would implode things anyway and have same effect.

Is your mom in the picture? This is going to impact her in a major way too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
op here : I'm not trying or wanting to tear people apart over this. It's just that situation coupled w/ my daughter saying what she did has made me really uncomfortable.

Please listen to your daughter. Limit contact to that which you can personally supervise every single second.

[Anonymous]

Op here: I know. I feel like there is no winning here only
Creating pain. But trumping it all even with my worry for everyone
Is protecting her from any chances of inappropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to argue for the minority here.

No abuse actually happened. Intent is unclear, and dependent on a lot of family factors and history that OP isn't sharing with us. Even the kiss part, if it happened, is only strange if it was an unusual occurrence. My father regularly kissed me as a teen, and while it was embarrassing on occasion, it was 100% fatherly. In the case of my best friend, those identical kisses from her father were absolutely abuse.

Daughter doesn't want to see grandfather. OP hasn't given context as to what she said, or how many times she has said it. One of my daughters is visibly uncomfortable around her grandfather. Won't sit near him. Won't hug him. Doesn't want to see him. I am 100% certain there is no abuse--she just doesn't like him and he's not a warm, fuzzy person.

OP is unwilling to even have a discussion with her family about this. Again, if there was a long history of abuse, it would be understandable. A single occurrence of a father's arm on her waist, never repeated nor attempted to be repeated? Maybe an attempt, but maybe not. OP and therapists aren't even sure how to feel about it. But OP would rather cut off all ties with her dad instead of having an awkward conversation?

Given these facts, I think OP is over reacting. But it sounds like there is also a lot of family history the OP might be leaving out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
op here : I'm not trying or wanting to tear people apart over this. It's just that situation coupled w/ my daughter saying what she did has made me really uncomfortable.

Please listen to your daughter. Limit contact to that which you can personally supervise every single second.

I agree if the daughter indicated that something happened. Did she say that, OP? Or was it just "I don't want to see him?"
Supervise closely, but I wouldn't cut off ties completely.

[Anonymous]

How can anyone say cut off contact based on what was initially written? There's not enough to go on.

It seemed weird to the OP at the time, but she let it go and it's been a moot point for years. Even professional therapists were not concerned about the story.

Now, because her 5YO said this, she wants to cut off contact? The 5YO could be unhappy with this grandparent over something else, it could also be nothing the grandparent's done. It could be unrelated to the grandparent. It's impossible to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can anyone say cut off contact based on what was initially written? There's not enough to go on.

It seemed weird to the OP at the time, but she let it go and it's been a moot point for years. Even professional therapists were not concerned about the story.

Now, because her 5YO said this, she wants to cut off contact? The 5YO could be unhappy with this grandparent over something else, it could also be nothing the grandparent's done. It could be unrelated to the grandparent. It's impossible to say.

+1

Abusive dads don't let an elbow stop them.

[Anonymous]

Op here : Interesting to read these posts. Really different opinions.

[Anonymous]

Op here: so not enough to go on even if gut bk then
Knew it was not familial? As to why I didn't think if contact until now, it's dad, my dd recently said what she did. Prior to that, when not to do with kids, I just shelved it as it was just about me in minor interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here: so not enough to go on even if gut bk then
Knew it was not familial? As to why I didn't think if contact until now, it's dad, my dd recently said what she did. Prior to that, when not to do with kids, I just shelved it as it was just about me in minor interaction.

Gut feelings about uncomfortable touches shouldn't be dismissed, but the fact that he never "tried" again (if he even tried the first time) says a lot. But, no, I don't think this single instance is "enough to go on" if you mean cutting off all contact with your dad. That seems extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can anyone say cut off contact based on what was initially written? There's not enough to go on.

It seemed weird to the OP at the time, but she let it go and it's been a moot point for years. Even professional therapists were not concerned about the story.

Now, because her 5YO said this, she wants to cut off contact? The 5YO could be unhappy with this grandparent over something else, it could also be nothing the grandparent's done. It could be unrelated to the grandparent. It's impossible to say.

This. Presumably the therapist is getting a clearer picture from op.