For the guys you reject, do you tell them what they need to hear?

[Anonymous]

I've just had a couple of dates with guys who really need to hear some honest feedback about why they are not having dating success. But do I tell them? Is it a kindness to them or will it just make them more insecure?

So one of the guys is from South America but been here 30 years. Problem is he has not worked hard enough on his English and doesn't know any idiomatic references at all. It made it impossible to joke around with him, he didn't know words like 'pet peeve', and 'in cahoots'. Should I tell him?

The other guy was a talk-talk-talker, and really didn't listen well. I'd get halfway through a sentence and he would take part of what I said and run with it, without waiting to hear the point of my anecdote.

Both of these guys could theoretically fix these chronic barriers to closeness but not unless someone clues them in. Should I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've just had a couple of dates with guys who really need to hear some honest feedback about why they are not having dating success. But do I tell them? Is it a kindness to them or will it just make them more insecure?

So one of the guys is from South America but been here 30 years. Problem is he has not worked hard enough on his English and doesn't know any idiomatic references at all. It made it impossible to joke around with him, he didn't know words like 'pet peeve', and 'in cahoots'. Should I tell him?

The other guy was a talk-talk-talker, and really didn't listen well. I'd get halfway through a sentence and he would take part of what I said and run with it, without waiting to hear the point of my anecdote.

Both of these guys could theoretically fix these chronic barriers to closeness but not unless someone clues them in. Should I?

Your job is not to fix someone. There will be a woman out there who will look past this and find happiness with them.

[Anonymous]

Of course. But I hope I come across as caring and on their side.

[Anonymous]

If they are not asking for your feedback, don't offer it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have told them. I am brutally honest when breaking up.

If it's just a couple dates, no I wouldnt. I would just ghost on them.

[Anonymous]

What's your gut telling you?

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's probably not going to be an easy fix for either of these guys but the sooner they start the better. But yeah, gut tells me it's not my job. Both were married before so they've probably heard it before.

[Anonymous]

No way. Unless they specifically ask why you are not into them. The right person will find their quirks tolerable or even charming. You will come across as a crazy bitch if you give them your "helpful" feeback.

[Anonymous]

South American guy- maybe he has a different sense of humor than you do that's probably why he doesn't "get/understand" your jokes.

Talker - maybe he just doesn't realize he talks to much in your opinion.

Like the other posters have said don't fix them, there is someone out there for them. I'm sure if you say something to both of these guys you might not want to hear about your quirks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. Unless they specifically ask why you are not into them. The right person will find their quirks tolerable or even charming. You will come across as a crazy bitch if you give them your "helpful" feeback.

+1 LOL

[Anonymous]

I think the Golden Rule should apply here. OP, do you want to hear about your big faults when you get dumped, without being prompted?

Hey Taylor, I'm outta here but before I go, you're boring and you come across as really insecure when you use all that slang language. Have a good life, though.

[Anonymous]

Immigrant guy already knows damn well that his colloquial English isn't as good as a native speaker...this will not be brand new information to him.

My husband is an immigrant and also is lacking a lot of colloquial English expressions. It's sometimes cute/funny and sometimes annoying, but overall a pretty minor thing in a great relationship. As pp's have said, it won't be a dealbreaker for the right person. That's not you so just move along.

[Anonymous]

There is a 99.9% likelihood it will not be well received and will do no good, and that they will turn it around and think and/or say nasty things to or about you. So if your motive is to "help," I think it's somewhat futile. I'd just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a 99.9% likelihood it will not be well received and will do no good, and that they will turn it around and think and/or say nasty things to or about you. So if your motive is to "help," I think it's somewhat futile. I'd just move on.

Exactly. Unfortunately, most men are babies, and they will act like a baby does when confronted with their faults.

The best thing to do is ice someone out. I once text cancelled on a dinner date at the last minute (interestingly enough, I didnt actually had a reason, but my intuition was pinging like crazy, so I made up an elaborate excuse about having to work late and being so sorry about not being able to make it) and this loser would not stop texting me for maybe 2 days. He accused me of "leading him on" even though I had literally met him once and agreed to go on a date and that was it. Wish i had saved the barrage of texts to submit to creepyPMs- he must have sent me 50+ messages, at the least (This was in the days before Apple allowed you to block numbers on the iPhone so I couldnt do anything to stop the texts). And I was extremely polite when I cancelled.

Moral of the story? Men are crazy and it's really not something you want to fuck with. Cut your losses and move on- you dont need to be the recipient of some ragebaby's vitriol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a 99.9% likelihood it will not be well received and will do no good, and that they will turn it around and think and/or say nasty things to or about you. So if your motive is to "help," I think it's somewhat futile. I'd just move on.

Exactly. Unfortunately, most men are babies, and they will act like a baby does when confronted with their faults.

The best thing to do is ice someone out. I once text cancelled on a dinner date at the last minute (interestingly enough, I didnt actually had a reason, but my intuition was pinging like crazy, so I made up an elaborate excuse about having to work late and being so sorry about not being able to make it) and this loser would not stop texting me for maybe 2 days. He accused me of "leading him on" even though I had literally met him once and agreed to go on a date and that was it. Wish i had saved the barrage of texts to submit to creepyPMs- he must have sent me 50+ messages, at the least (This was in the days before Apple allowed you to block numbers on the iPhone so I couldnt do anything to stop the texts). And I was extremely polite when I cancelled.

Moral of the story? Men are crazy and it's really not something you want to fuck with. Cut your losses and move on- you dont need to be the recipient of some ragebaby's vitriol.

PP has some issues that she needs to work out, but her advice is basically sound.

Unless he requests your advice on his personality, and he seems like a reasonable person who is not going to lose his sh*t upon hearing a painful truth, I'd wouldn't offer it.

Would you like it if people started giving you unsolicited advice about your appearance, or how you speak? You might think "yes," but you probably wouldn't like it when it actually happened.

Ultimately, someone else's personality flaws are their problem and unless you are a close friend or a relative, it's not your problem and not worth the risk.