One of my best friends is cutting me off
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Anonymous
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I can feel it. We used to talk every day and now she really doesn't even call me back. Not gonna lie. It hurts.
I know what the problem is but I don't know how it can be resolved. We've been friends for about 15 years and through the years we have made very different financial decisions. When she had her own apartment, I lived in a group house to save money. She always had a car whereas I walked or took the bus. We chose very different career paths too and now I make well in the six figures and she has been unemployed (laid off) for a year and struggling to find a job to pay her $60k a year. My DH and I have been building a new, expensive home and, well, she is still living in the same apartment she had when I was in the group house, just now with her DH and DD. She puts a LOT of weight on material things and is constantly shopping, buying, etc. and she tells me about all of her purchases. I really only shop for clothes a couple of times a year. I'm a GAP shopper and she's a Saks shopper. She is a wonderful person. We've just made different life decisions and now it's coming home to roost. Her life is not at all what she expected and I know how disappointed and stressed she is. We had similar upbringings but just make different decisions. Should I confront her? Should I just let the relationship drift away hoping her life circumstances will change? I just don't know what to do and I'm just so sad. |
Anonymous
| Don't confront her. She's insecure, and right now you're the focus of her insecurities. She might need space. Just be there, keep trying, be friendly, and see if she comes back to you. If she doesn't, oh well. People change, relationships change. Cherish the memories. |
Anonymous
| Please do not talk about her problems unless they asks you for advice. Let her know you will always be there for her and give her some space. This might just be a phase. |
Anonymous
+1 If you bring up any of the issues you listed above, it will hurt her terribly. Just let her drift a little bit. She'll call you when she has good news she wants to share. |
Anonymous
| Are you saying that you think the reason you're drifting apart is that you've made superior life choices to hers and now she's realized it and resents you? |
Anonymous
| You sound quite judgmental. Did she tell you she was "disappointed and stressed" by her life or are you inferring it? Either way, it sounds like you two are too different to be good friends anymore. You would both be better off ending the friendship- you don't like her values and she probably doesn't need your judgment. She might be better off finding more sympathetic friends who don't pat themselves on the back for making 6 figures. |
Anonymous
| Thats the way you talk about your best friend huh?? Maybe THATS why she's ditching you. |
Anonymous
Yup. She may sense this. However it is also possible she is withdrawing due to depression. So continue to invite her to stuff. Don't talk about your house etc tho. |
Anonymous
| Sincere question: do you have any idea how smug you sound? |
Anonymous
| We get it op. You are better than Her. |
Anonymous
People like OP relish in being smug. |
Anonymous
| I went through something similar with my BFF from college. We were inseparable and after we graduated, I began working, was independent, making decent money, and she was really struggling, temping, subletting an apartment, etc. She got herself into a lot of debt and had a lot of family and financial stress. Through all of that we stayed really close, even though we lived in different cities, but after about 3-4 years, I started dating someone and she got jealous because she was still single. I still made time to visit her, call her, etc. but she started being distant. The shit really hit the fan when I got engaged. She had a really hard time and basically showed up at the sower and wedding but I could tell it was the last thing she wanted to do. Once I had my first baby, she pretty much cut me out of her life...fast forward to when she got engaged and suddenly she was calling me, asking how I was, etc. When she struggled with infertility a few years later, guess who she called? Yup! As hurt as I was, I realized it wasn't about me and I needed to let it go. We have since become close again. Though we have never talked about "what happened" between us in the past, I can tell she realizes she made a mistake by cutting me out of her life. It took us almost 10 years to come full circle and get back to where we were in college. People change, relationships change, and I think if you just let this go and be there for her (or not), she may come around. But you can't force it. I think the worst thing you can do is try to talk about her "issues". She will likely feel judged and it will make things worse. I remember talking to a mutual friend after I got engaged and I was crying telling her how sad and hurt I was that my friend hadn't even congratulated me or asked a single detail about anything related to the wedding and she said "She is jealous. She told me she is really jealous of you and even though she doesn't want to be, she is and is having a really hard time being happy for you. She feels like crap about it but can't change how she feels". I bet your friend is in the same boat. Good luck, it's hard, I know. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
This is what I get from your post. |
Anonymous
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You are presumptuous, OP. Just because there are stark material differences in your circumstances today, it doesn't necessarily mean that she is shunning you because you have made wise financial choices than she has. Given the tone of your post, she is probably shunning you because she feels the vibes of smugness and pity emanating from your person. |