One of my best friends is cutting me off

[Anonymous]

I don't feel like the OP is being smug or overly judgmental and I certainly don't think she is "relishing" the situation. She said her friend is a wonderful person.

OP, like others have posted it sounds like your friend is jealous and is having a hard time being around you because it makes her feel bad. As long as you aren't bragging about your house, etc. it's not about you-it's about her. It hurts but there's not much you can do about it. As others have posted hopefully at some point she'll work through her issues and you'll be close again.

It's sad when people can't put aside their jealousy and be there for their friends. I've been jealous of my friends many times but I've done my best not to show it because I don't want to lose the friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying that you think the reason you're drifting apart is that you've made superior life choices to hers and now she's realized it and resents you?

I never said I made superior choices. I just made different ones. Trust me, most of the years she was living large (own car, apartment) and I was not. I still don't own a car. Not sure how that would make me superior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound quite judgmental. Did she tell you she was "disappointed and stressed" by her life or are you inferring it? Either way, it sounds like you two are too different to be good friends anymore. You would both be better off ending the friendship- you don't like her values and she probably doesn't need your judgment. She might be better off finding more sympathetic friends who don't pat themselves on the back for making 6 figures.

Not trying to be judgmental at all. Yes, every conversation we have she tells me how destitute she is and how scared she is for her future. It's most of our conversations. In fact, if I was judgmental I would have called her out on some of her decisions but I have never opened my mouth. Those are her decisions to make not mine. I have been very sympathetic. In fact, when her husband was let go from his job and needed an employment attorney I called my friend and asked him for the favor (he didn't want money but I did a big favor for him to essentially pay for his service).

Wasn't trying to pat my back for six figures. I was trying to merely explain the vast financial difference. I don't know any better way to illustrate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through something similar with my BFF from college. We were inseparable and after we graduated, I began working, was independent, making decent money, and she was really struggling, temping, subletting an apartment, etc. She got herself into a lot of debt and had a lot of family and financial stress. Through all of that we stayed really close, even though we lived in different cities, but after about 3-4 years, I started dating someone and she got jealous because she was still single. I still made time to visit her, call her, etc. but she started being distant. The shit really hit the fan when I got engaged. She had a really hard time and basically showed up at the sower and wedding but I could tell it was the last thing she wanted to do. Once I had my first baby, she pretty much cut me out of her life...fast forward to when she got engaged and suddenly she was calling me, asking how I was, etc. When she struggled with infertility a few years later, guess who she called? Yup! As hurt as I was, I realized it wasn't about me and I needed to let it go. We have since become close again. Though we have never talked about "what happened" between us in the past, I can tell she realizes she made a mistake by cutting me out of her life. It took us almost 10 years to come full circle and get back to where we were in college. People change, relationships change, and I think if you just let this go and be there for her (or not), she may come around. But you can't force it. I think the worst thing you can do is try to talk about her "issues". She will likely feel judged and it will make things worse. I remember talking to a mutual friend after I got engaged and I was crying telling her how sad and hurt I was that my friend hadn't even congratulated me or asked a single detail about anything related to the wedding and she said "She is jealous. She told me she is really jealous of you and even though she doesn't want to be, she is and is having a really hard time being happy for you. She feels like crap about it but can't change how she feels". I bet your friend is in the same boat. Good luck, it's hard, I know.

Thanks. This was such a thoughtful post and I appreciate it. I can't believe it took 10 years for her to come around and I hope that my friend comes around too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thats the way you talk about your best friend huh?? Maybe THATS why she's ditching you.

Right. She could have made her point without illustrating all of her friend's failures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We get it op. You are better than Her.

+1,000,000,000

You are too good for all of us. Your superior decisions (disillusions) are the BEST! Go F yourself, YOU suck!

[Anonymous]

So your friend is a loser. Why do you care if your loser "friend" cuts you off? Oh I get it...she is a loser and it will be unacceptable to have a loser cut you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thats the way you talk about your best friend huh?? Maybe THATS why she's ditching you.

Right. She could have made her point without illustrating all of her friend's failures.

+1

OP, you could have just said, "My friend seems like she's drifting away, we used to talk every day and now she doesn't even return my calls. I'm not sure what's going on, but she has been going through a tough time financially lately and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Any advice?" Instead, you gave us three paragraphs about her financial failings vs. your successes.

If you really want to save the friendship, I'd try talking to her directly without any presumption of what her reasons are (because ultimately, you don't know that finances are the reason). "Friend, it feels like you've been distant lately, and I miss you. Is something going on?"

[Anonymous]

My wife has a long-time friend that's doing better than us. Of course, they have elderly parents who have the money that was helping them all along, that are forced to live with them now. Sometimes karma is a bitch!

[Anonymous]

Women are absolutely insufferable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can feel it. We used to talk every day and now she really doesn't even call me back. Not gonna lie. It hurts.

I know what the problem is but I don't know how it can be resolved. We've been friends for about 15 years and through the years we have made very different financial decisions. When she had her own apartment, I lived in a group house to save money. She always had a car whereas I walked or took the bus. We chose very different career paths too and now I make well in the six figures and she has been unemployed (laid off) for a year and struggling to find a job to pay her $60k a year.

My DH and I have been building a new, expensive home and, well, she is still living in the same apartment she had when I was in the group house, just now with her DH and DD. She puts a LOT of weight on material things and is constantly shopping, buying, etc. and she tells me about all of her purchases. I really only shop for clothes a couple of times a year. I'm a GAP shopper and she's a Saks shopper.

She is a wonderful person. We've just made different life decisions and now it's coming home to roost. Her life is not at all what she expected and I know how disappointed and stressed she is. We had similar upbringings but just make different decisions.

Should I confront her? Should I just let the relationship drift away hoping her life circumstances will change? I just don't know what to do and I'm just so sad.

My BFF for years and years married a wonderful guy, has a beautiful house in Potomac, ended up as a SAHM, and I was jealous. I wouldn't have told her, and I was happy for her, but I was jealous. I married, ended up in a successful career, but one in which my husband decided I made too much money to be a SAHM. I don't know if she had confronted me that it would have made the slightest difference. She still had things in her life that I wanted, and I still love her. there are times I get stressed, and I'm sure I get distant. What's the point in confronting her? you still have a great life, and she still has disappointments. If you are a BFF, your friendship will go through close and more distant times. Give it time.

[Anonymous]

Why would you confront her? Are you uncomfortable that she lives where she lives or works for 60K? My salary is 70K and the most I'll ever earn is 80K but I am content with myself and my decisions. So I don't live in a mansion but I vacation in really nice places 3-4 times a year. So my DS goes to public school but he's in the language immersion and magnet programs so I don't have to cough up a ton of $$$ to send him to a fancy private school. I have friends from all walks of life who are comfortable in their skins. Maybe you should get comfortable in yours.

[Anonymous]

I think OP sounds like a concerned friend, not smug. She gave us specifics to show the differences. I think that's fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thats the way you talk about your best friend huh?? Maybe THATS why she's ditching you.

Right. She could have made her point without illustrating all of her friend's failures.

+1

OP, you could have just said, "My friend seems like she's drifting away, we used to talk every day and now she doesn't even return my calls. I'm not sure what's going on, but she has been going through a tough time financially lately and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Any advice?" Instead, you gave us three paragraphs about her financial failings vs. your successes.

If you really want to save the friendship, I'd try talking to her directly without any presumption of what her reasons are (because ultimately, you don't know that finances are the reason). "Friend, it feels like you've been distant lately, and I miss you. Is something going on?"

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel like the OP is being smug or overly judgmental and I certainly don't think she is "relishing" the situation. She said her friend is a wonderful person.

OP, like others have posted it sounds like your friend is jealous and is having a hard time being around you because it makes her feel bad. As long as you aren't bragging about your house, etc. it's not about you-it's about her. It hurts but there's not much you can do about it. As others have posted hopefully at some point she'll work through her issues and you'll be close again.

It's sad when people can't put aside their jealousy and be there for their friends. I've been jealous of my friends many times but I've done my best not to show it because I don't want to lose the friendships.

+1. I didn't get a nasty vibe from OP's post at all.

Could you try the direct approach, OP? "Jane, I miss talking to you every day and worry we're drifting apart. I don't want that to happen - you're my best friend. I know you're under stress right now - can I help at all?"