getting past my mother's death
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Anonymous
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I lost my mother--my best friend, really--a few years ago, and while the initial shock and pain are behind me, I still experience a lingering sadness. My thoughts often go back to the years just before she got sick, when my kids were still small (or being born) and all the great times we had together. We were always close, but my becoming a mother (and her becoming a grandmother) brought us even closer. I miss her so much; I miss talking to her, being with her, seeing her with my children.
These "after shocks" related to my mother's death seem also to be overlapping with general midlife crisis stuff. My kids are growing up and no longer need me as much, my work is so-so, my body is aging, and all told my life isn't exactly turning out the way I thought it would. I've tried talk therapy, which helped a bit but only up to a point. I also try to be grateful every single day for all that I do have, and volunteer often in my community where I can. Still, I can't seem to shake this notion that all the good stuff in life has already happened (going off to college, living on my own and growing into my own person, falling in love, starting a family, etc.). Has anyone else experienced being stuck like this after the death a parent? Are there any authors or other resources anyone can point to to help me move on and get unstuck? |
Anonymous
| You are depressed. Have you considered taking an antidepressant in combination with therapy? Sometimes the brain needs a chemical jump start. |
Anonymous
| I don't have any advice just empathy for you OP. I'm sure other posters will have tangible advice for you but I'm thinking of you and I wish you the best. |
Anonymous
| OP, you are not alone in how you feel. When I was in my early 40's I lost three loved ones in a very short time. It sent me into a midlife crisis where I questioned every decision I had ever made and I spent hours every day ruminating about the past. I remember my grandmother ruminating and always saying her best days were when her kids were little and her husband and mother were alive. I think we start to accumulate many losses in life and it feels like you are walking through life always missing someone. I make a conscious effort every day to just think about today or look forward to something in the near future. Hugs to you when you are missing your mom. |
Anonymous
| Hugs, OP. |
Anonymous
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It has been 12 years for me OP and I still cry at least once a week. The grieving process is long and different for everyone. You are supposed to be sad about losing her-- that won't go away. But you need to continue living your life. Are you doing that?
Just to tell you I watch Vampire Diaries with my 15 year old DD. She was 3 when my mom died so doesn't really remember her. One story line recently was about a character losing her mother. This stupid show had me bawling. My DD finally began to realize how much I miss my mom still. She was surprised by that. It was a good teaching moment for me. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP. My experience is not exactly the same as yours, but I can share some strategies that have helped me get through bad stretches of time to a place where I feel more joyful, confident, and competent:
#1 - Fake it 'til you make it Don't feel happy? Pretend you do, especially around your kids (even older ones will hardly notice your acting skills). It's a good thing to do because your mood weighs heavily in their lives. Don't want to have sex? Do it anyway. It's almost always good once you get into it, right? It doesn't have to be fancy or a big production--it's just sex and it will make you feel good. Eat vegetables or a salad in front of your kids every day, even if you don't want to. It's so much more peaceful to model the behavior you'd like to see in your children than constantly harping on them (which they tune out anyway). There'll be plenty of time to consume only chocolate and beer for dinner if you want once they go to college. Feeling a bit shaky about that presentation? Believe in yourself and take the time you need to say what you want to say clearly. #2 - Move your body Bummed about not being able to run as far or bike as fast as you used to? Stop keeping track of things like distance and time. Just move, every day. If you have a dog, go for walks. If you don't, offer to walk someone else's. Try yoga. It took me *years* to change my opinion about yoga, and truly if I can do it ANYBODY can do it. At the very least, it's a great way to stay fit for free in the comfort of your own home (there are some great apps!). At most, it can help change your outlook, which is what you might be seeking now. |
Anonymous
| I'm feeling the same way, OP. My mom died 10 years ago when I was a couple years out of college. She missed my wedding and the birth of my two boys. I miss her all the time and am so sad that my kids will never meet her. I told my 3 year old that I missed her a lot and I started crying in the car. The rest of the day he kept asking, "do you still miss her?" God, yes. I know she would have been an amazing grandma. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry you are in such pain, but don't make your grief a burden to your child. Get some help, seek therapy. This is not normal. |
Anonymous
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Hugs op! I lost my mom 5 months ago, and I feel such sadness. My kids miss her so much. My little six year old asks about her a lot. I don't think I will ever get over it. I found out recently that she told the hospice nurse that she just wanted to live to see my eldest child graduate from high school. That makes me so sad.
I try to focus on the present and I have been spending a lot of time working on myself. I work out every day and I also eat healthier. My mom died of breast cancer, and I was diagnosed two years ago. I was so thankful that she was alive and fairly healthy to help me get through it. I try to be thankful for the time I was given with her, but it will never be enough. She was the only person I could talk to, and I have no one to replace her. |
Anonymous
Holy sh!t, what the F@!ck is wrong with you? This is perfectly normal PP. I guess this a-hole has never lost someone they were close to. Grief is a normal emotion and it is so healthy for kids to see their parents show emotion and talk about it. Don't listen to that mega bitch and be well. |
Anonymous
| Agree that your grief is being compounded by depression. Talk to your doc about an anti-depressant. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP you quoted. I have only cried about my mom in front of my kid two times, my sadness it is not a burden on him. He is curious about the world and wanted to know why I was sad. I think it's good that he knows that I love my mom even though she's not here. I still want him to know that she was a great woman. I think it's okay to be sad about something like this, it is normal and it would be really sad if I was never sad, if that makes sense. |
Anonymous
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you are not depressed you are totally normal. drugs will just mask emotions and emotions are totally fine.
you never get over it, you just get used to life without her. and yes I lost my mother |
Anonymous
| I miss my mom so much. It has been two years for me. I don't have the answer, but for me staying busy helps. When I am less busy, I am constantly seeing/thinking of things that remind me of her. It is harder now that I have a baby who will never know her. |