getting past my mother's death

[Anonymous]

I'm the one everyone thinks is so awful, but I can tell you as a child who grew up with a mother who did this exact same behavior and expected me to be her emotional crutch, it is not right. It is not fair. It is a burden to the child. But go ahead and live in denial.

I am wrong, you are right. Go ahead and use your child as the crutch.

[Anonymous]

Praying for you OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

I lost my dad recently and unexpectedly; since then I've been questioning everything too, in the throes of existential angst and some anxiety about the fragility of life.

What helps is to try to be in the moment as best as I can and to take the time to appreciate the things that bring me a sense of peace -- for me it's simple things like taking a walk and breathing in the fresh cold air, going out to eat with my family, laughing at something silly with my DH. I'm learning that even though my career is in limbo and I certainly have my insecurities about what I'm doing with my life in middle age, life is so short and all that really matters are these moments in the here and now.

My dad was really good at that, and that has given me some peace after his sudden passing. I'm trying to follow his example. I do miss him so f-ing much though, and it is taking me time to get my equilibrium in a world without him.

Hugs to you. Know you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one everyone thinks is so awful, but I can tell you as a child who grew up with a mother who did this exact same behavior and expected me to be her emotional crutch, it is not right. It is not fair. It is a burden to the child. But go ahead and live in denial.

I am wrong, you are right. Go ahead and use your child as the crutch.

NP here. There is a very big continuum between using your child as a crutch for unresolved grief, and occasionally displaying sadness at the premature loss of a parent. Let's try not to jump to conclusions on an online forum, and project our own experience onto others.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, everyone, for your kind words and helpful suggestions. And I empathize with those who've lost moms and dads. I guess we're all meant to get through it one way or another. It sounds trite, but it does help to know I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

"Grief never ends . . . but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. . . it is the price of love." - Author Unknown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one everyone thinks is so awful, but I can tell you as a child who grew up with a mother who did this exact same behavior and expected me to be her emotional crutch, it is not right. It is not fair. It is a burden to the child. But go ahead and live in denial.

I am wrong, you are right. Go ahead and use your child as the crutch.

NP here. There is a very big continuum between using your child as a crutch for unresolved grief, and occasionally displaying sadness at the premature loss of a parent. Let's try not to jump to conclusions on an online forum, and project our own experience onto others.

You are right. Grief is normal and it is normal and healthy to have moments of sadness that you share with your family and children. You also share your happy thoughts and your joy with your family and children. It is good for kids to see that their parents miss people and can express sadness but can also have happy lives. Normal, healthy behavior.

[Anonymous]

It's been six years since I lost my mom, two since I lost my dad.
I still have occasional "grief attacks" and miss them so much!
Things that have helped: keeping their pictures out, and looking at old photos. I talk with my children about them and make sure they know how much grandma and grandpa loved them. I tell them how proud of them grandma and grandpa would have been of them as they grow and develop.
I try to weave them into our lives in these ways and it does give me comfort and is good for the kids as well.
It might sound flaky, but sometimes I feel their presence and I know they are near by. This also gives me so much comfort!! It happens when I am alone and in a quiet pensive mood. One day I lost my gloves and looked everywhere for them. I checked my coat pockets: nothing. When I went back a few minutes later, there they were in my coat pocket. Thanks mom and dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It has been 12 years for me OP and I still cry at least once a week. The grieving process is long and different for everyone. You are supposed to be sad about losing her-- that won't go away. But you need to continue living your life. Are you doing that?

Just to tell you I watch Vampire Diaries with my 15 year old DD. She was 3 when my mom died so doesn't really remember her. One story line recently was about a character losing her mother. This stupid show had me bawling. My DD finally began to realize how much I miss my mom still. She was surprised by that. It was a good teaching moment for me.

Funny you mentioned Vampire Diaries. I watch that show on DVR (don't hate). I started it the other day and remembered the story line, I immediately stopped and deleted it. It's been 15 years since I lost my mom. I was young and in college like the character's daughter at the time. This many years later and as an adult, I still couldn't even bear to watch this episode of a made up TV show.

OP, I agree with the pp. the sadness may not go away but you need to live your life. It's what she would have wanted.

[Anonymous]

Someone told me about losing people you love, that "you never get over it, you just get used to it". I lost my mom when I was 18, nearly 30 years ago at this point. That saying rings so very true for me even today. I'm accustomed to the loss now, but she is still very much missed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my mother--my best friend, really--a few years ago, and while the initial shock and pain are behind me, I still experience a lingering sadness. My thoughts often go back to the years just before she got sick, when my kids were still small (or being born) and all the great times we had together. We were always close, but my becoming a mother (and her becoming a grandmother) brought us even closer. I miss her so much; I miss talking to her, being with her, seeing her with my children.

These "after shocks" related to my mother's death seem also to be overlapping with general midlife crisis stuff. My kids are growing up and no longer need me as much, my work is so-so, my body is aging, and all told my life isn't exactly turning out the way I thought it would. I've tried talk therapy, which helped a bit but only up to a point. I also try to be grateful every single day for all that I do have, and volunteer often in my community where I can. Still, I can't seem to shake this notion that all the good stuff in life has already happened (going off to college, living on my own and growing into my own person, falling in love, starting a family, etc.).

Has anyone else experienced being stuck like this after the death a parent? Are there any authors or other resources anyone can point to to help me move on and get unstuck?

I lost my mom 15 years ago and I would say at this point for you, years out, each passing year it should be easier to remember her without being overwhelmed by sadness. There will always be some episodes of grief you will feel over the years. I agree with PP it sounds like depression more than anything.

[Anonymous]

OP, so sorry. First of all, be gentle with yourself--a few years really isn't that long (despite what some posters are telling you). I lost my only sibling a few years ago and have discovered that grieving is a long, hard process that never really ends. The expectation that we are supposed to be on a continuous upward trajectory is silly and just not how grief works for most people. My mother, for example, found year 3 to be the hardest.

I loved this article as a reminder that grief can take on many forms, and none of them are "wrong." http://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2013/02/08/grief-doesn-have-timeline/nNmP2Vl8aXyFOuPh2hAqPP/story.html

I am sure there are some books out there about losing mothers that could be helpful. You may want to poke around, if you haven't yet, and buy a couple. Grief can be very isolating and I've found it makes such a difference to connect with people who have experienced a similar loss.

If you feel that your grief is really interfering with your life then yes, therapy can be helpful, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

You sound depressed- totally understandable. My mom very recently died and in a very unfun manner so I get it. Continue therapy, try an antidepressant. You might try meditating, there are some great apps for guided meditation. Study Buddhism, it may help. You don't have to go crazy with it, but it does have some philosophical comfort ie life=impermanence. Look into mindfulness. It's helped me more than anything else. You are not alone. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

My father died about a year and a half ago. We were very close, his wife called it a "special bond." I still can't talk about him without crying. I'm on antidepressants, but have stopped talking to friends and don't care much about what used to be important to me. Grief is so much harder than I thought it would be. I haven't found a solution, but you're not alone, OP.

[Anonymous]

My mom died 4 weeks ago and the pain of her loss is so strong. I'm such a strange mixture of emotion...sad, angry, depressed, nostalgic. It's just exhausting. It feels good to know that I'm not alone.