Can I really run away for a while?

[Anonymous]

In the nearly 25+ years we've been married, we have always lived where DH's jobs have been as he is the bread winner. I was a SAHM for many, many years ( by my choice when they were young and later on his insistence because he didn't what to have to step up to the plate and share kid and house responsibilities if I want back to work) and returned to part-time work recently to fill my days rather than really contribute financially. FOr the last 15 years, we lived in a place I hated because of our DC established roots and the schools were good... and DH's high paying job.

Soon, all DC will be (hopefully) away at college and I want it to be MY turn to do what I want after 20 years of raising our children.
As an introvert in a family for 3 extroverts, I am also seeking quiet and calmness.
I'm dreaming of driving off to Cape Cod or Nantucket for the school year once DC2 hits college in the fall ALL. BY. MYSELF.

How do I tell DH I NEED a school year by myself and this is what I am doing? THere is no discussion.

Financially we can easily handle me renting a place. I fear DH will suggest he retire and join me. UGH!

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, that's a fantasy that I have as well.
It reminds me of the Anne Tyler book: "The Ladder of Years"
Have you read it?

I think you should go for it if that is what you truly want, but make sure your family knows this is not a rejection of them, but something you want to do for your own sanity. But, would one year be enough? Or do you think you might decide you prefer living alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In the nearly 25+ years we've been married, we have always lived where DH's jobs have been as he is the bread winner. I was a SAHM for many, many years ( by my choice when they were young and later on his insistence because he didn't what to have to step up to the plate and share kid and house responsibilities if I want back to work) and returned to part-time work recently to fill my days rather than really contribute financially. FOr the last 15 years, we lived in a place I hated because of our DC established roots and the schools were good... and DH's high paying job.

Soon, all DC will be (hopefully) away at college and I want it to be MY turn to do what I want after 20 years of raising our children.
As an introvert in a family for 3 extroverts, I am also seeking quiet and calmness.
I'm dreaming of driving off to Cape Cod or Nantucket for the school year once DC2 hits college in the fall ALL. BY. MYSELF.

How do I tell DH I NEED a school year by myself and this is what I am doing? THere is no discussion.

Financially we can easily handle me renting a place. I fear DH will suggest he retire and join me. UGH!

That was still your choice. But that said, of course! Do it if you want to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, that's a fantasy that I have as well.
It reminds me of the Anne Tyler book: "The Ladder of Years"
Have you read it?

I think you should go for it if that is what you truly want, but make sure your family knows this is not a rejection of them, but something you want to do for your own sanity. But, would one year be enough? Or do you think you might decide you prefer living alone?

Thanks for the book recommendation - I've checked it out from the library.

As for realizing that I could prefer to live alone - you are on to something. My marriage has been far from Mulberry Street - ideal. DH has devoted a lot of his time to his career and I certainly feel I put my interests on hold as I played the SAHM/supporter role. He traveled often so it was hard for me to develop a life outside raising kids. I do not regret staying home, but I do carry resentment that his needs with his career were always the focus. Like I said, he insisted I stay home after the DC were all in school as he wouldn't/couldn't step up to help out and I couldn't do it all.

He made a sh!tload of money and we have substantial wealth, but I wonder, if it was all worth it....

I feel like the Toby Keith song after 25 years,
I want to talk about me
Want to talk about I
Want to talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you, you, you, you usually, but occasionally
I want to talk about me
I want to talk about me

[Anonymous]

I say go for it!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, that's a fantasy that I have as well.
It reminds me of the Anne Tyler book: "The Ladder of Years"
Have you read it?

I think you should go for it if that is what you truly want, but make sure your family knows this is not a rejection of them, but something you want to do for your own sanity. But, would one year be enough? Or do you think you might decide you prefer living alone?

Thanks for the book recommendation - I've checked it out from the library.

As for realizing that I could prefer to live alone - you are on to something. My marriage has been far from Mulberry Street - ideal. DH has devoted a lot of his time to his career and I certainly feel I put my interests on hold as I played the SAHM/supporter role. He traveled often so it was hard for me to develop a life outside raising kids. I do not regret staying home, but I do carry resentment that his needs with his career were always the focus. Like I said, he insisted I stay home after the DC were all in school as he wouldn't/couldn't step up to help out and I couldn't do it all.

He made a sh!tload of money and we have substantial wealth, but I wonder, if it was all worth it....

I feel like the Toby Keith song after 25 years,
I want to talk about me
Want to talk about I
Want to talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you, you, you, you usually, but occasionally
I want to talk about me
I want to talk about me

First off: Does your husband know how strongly you feel?
Next:
When you think about being in your rental on Cape Cod, do you picture your DH coming to visit? Staying in communication? Or total peace and solitude?

[Anonymous]

I think you are missing a great opportunity to establish a new bond with your spouse. How would you view it if he ran away for a year after experiencing the pressure of supporting a family? Could it be that you are wistful of your childrens' ability to adopt a new life elsewhere free of financial burden?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have 2 more recommendations for you, both by Joan Anderson. A Year By the Sea, and its follow up, An Unfinished Marriage. These are not fiction, but memoirs by a woman who did what you are talking about. She went to Cape Cod for a year when her kids were grown, and she felt she needed to re-define herself. The second one is about the process of re-establishing their marriage after she returned.

[Anonymous]

OP, you just tell him. I don't see what is the problem to explain it to the person who you married for so many years? I am also introvert. When our first child was two years old and we came home from vacation, I explain to him, that it was not vacation for me. Family vacation was always a work for me, until kids became teenagers. Since then, I was taking short trips once a year either by myself, with girlfriends, or now with my older daughter. He understands it. He sees my need to recharge. I did several girls trip to Vegas, NYC, Florida, DC(when we wasn't living here). I went by myself to Sri Lanka for yoga retreat, and India. You may not even need a year to stay along. I usually miss my family after one week. But can't imagine functioning without this week off.

[Anonymous]

Try a month first. There are some wonderful retreats that I've heard about from friends. Try a week. Come back and reflect on what you got out of it. Choose a two-week stay somewhere else. You say you imagine Cape Cod, try Tulum instead. Do you want to experience a month away during the summer or the off-season? Go for it. How do you plan on spending your time? I know a lot of artists, so for them, these retreats have always centered either specifically on their craft or have served as a meditative space before they launch a new project.

I wouldn't jump into a year away without having tested the waters so that I can refine my plan and ensure I got what I needed from it.

[Anonymous]

My husband causes me to have anxiety. When he retires, I don't plan on having anxiety anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are missing a great opportunity to establish a new bond with your spouse. How would you view it if he ran away for a year after experiencing the pressure of supporting a family? Could it be that you are wistful of your childrens' ability to adopt a new life elsewhere free of financial burden?

+1

If I were your DH, I would not wait for you for a year. I would look into separation and find a spouse who wanted to spend time with me.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have access to all family accounts and full transparency I to your money and retirement savings situation?

I 100% think you should do this, and I think you simply say what you said to us. Nothing in what you said is a rejection. You can afford it and life is way too short to wait any longer to do what you want.

In this tiny window you have given us, thigh, your DH sounds selfish and controlling. I wouldn't expect that he will handle this well, which is why I suggest that you be sure you have full access you all money, accounts, and records.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are missing a great opportunity to establish a new bond with your spouse. How would you view it if he ran away for a year after experiencing the pressure of supporting a family? Could it be that you are wistful of your childrens' ability to adopt a new life elsewhere free of financial burden?

+1

If I were your DH, I would not wait for you for a year. I would look into separation and find a spouse who wanted to spend time with me.

+2

If I were DH, I would assume this is you asking for permission to leave me. If I were your DCs, I would be totally distraught at your nonchalance of leaving my father and wonder if you resented the sacrifices you made of raising me. It would be hard for me to talk to you for a long time if you even mentioned this to me, let alone followed through with it.

OTOH, I could totally handle you wanting a week vacation all by yourself (if I were either DH or DCs), or taking a month-long vacation to see a relative. But more than 2 weeks away and I would start to wonder if something else was going on.

[Anonymous]

The women suggesting you follow through are more than happy to take your place while you are AWOL.