Can I really run away for a while?

[Anonymous]

Your husband will take it as a rejection, which it is. Do you ultimately want to leave him or ultimately grow old with him? Is he going to be part of your year, as in visiting, or do you want little contact with him? Can you instead just plan lots of trips and travel and doing your own thing but still live with him? Have you ever talked to him about how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be hard for me to talk to you for a long time if you even mentioned this to me, let alone followed through with it.

This would be an incredibly immature and extreme reaction.

[Anonymous]

Terrible plan. Why not take a lover? Pretty much same thing.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP… many of these responses are pretty intense. 15 years ago I read Joan Anderson's book A year by The Sea. I wish I had red it a bit earlier. I was married to my college sweetheart and just wasn't clear about what a wanted (no children though). In the right marriage, with conversation, this is absolutely an ok option to take a break. It doesn't have to be a year; what about the fall? Just a time when you are not taking care of anyone and just reflecting in. Your husband can visit. Have him read the book with you and explain that is what you are looking for. Just a year for you. There are no guarantees in what your actions will cause it terms of his feelings and actions - but that is up to him. I think it sounds lovely. I wish I had done it instead of leaving my marriage, which I did instead. And in hindsight the year would have saved the marriage. I truly believe that. Do it, journal about it before you do it, both of you read Joan Anderson's book. Do what is right for you.

[Anonymous]

Anne rivers Siddons wrote a novel about the this same situation (roughly I hink, it's been a while). I think it's Up Island.

Wow, what is it about women and coastal Mass?

[Anonymous]

Don't sign a long lease in Cape Cod...lol. I love the idea of a year or even three months to myself.

In my fantasy, I'd take three, two month trips to different cities. Maybe two months in New York, two months somewhere tropical, and two months in Europe.

Bring it up in small ways and let the idea fester with DH. If you plant the seeds just right, he'll take credit for the idea -- which is perfect!

[Anonymous]

^^Or pick a place that he can come and visit you on some weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women suggesting you follow through are more than happy to take your place while you are AWOL.

Not really. I secretly wish I was in a position to do the same thing!

[Anonymous]

OP - You have every right to feel and see the pattern of your 25+ years of marriage as you do, but you also may benefit from a neutral counselor to discuss your role in letting it happen. Right now you seem to be taking only a very idealistic and unrealistic approach to making a life for yourself - unless you would like to separate from you DH and DC. It sound like you have never really communicated with DH on what your goals and your choices in life are so get some help in learning how to do so. You seem to have the money to do whatever you want so that is a plus. I think going to Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, Provincetown area etc. maybe each season of the year for a couple of weeks to recharge and rejuvenate would be a wonderful idea AND perhaps to see where to just make plans to rent a place annually for a certain period of time in the future for a bit longer stretch.

Right now you are acting like a child and being very "centric" in dreaming what life could be "if." The reality is that there are things which you need to do as an adult to make any real, positive changes. It could be as you describe or it could be starting with DH talking and seeing where it goes in the changes you will be making as you sound like you are about mid- to late 40s and really have a lifetime ahead of you. Options could be getting a full-time job doing whatever you choose and at whatever hours or simply part-time in a new area, going back to school to take fun classes or even some directed at a possible career, reestablishing ties with your old friends and traveling to visit them or use seeing them as one reason to explore an area and just relax for a week at a time etc. Planning and taking a trip through a group - you sound like you have the money to go top of the line tour group so make a bucket list of USA and international places you would like to see and let your husband know you will be going and would he like to come or not and if not see if a friend would like to go or go on your own. I suspect DH is so used to have "happy, no talk wiife" that your thoughts and feelings on anything really do not occur to him to consider, and the reason for this to have happened is two-sided. Right now you are unhappy with your life and do not find pleasure in either your marriage or your family life so you really do need to address why, what you want and what direction to take, but going by the ocean for a year only sounds like delaying tactic - unless you remain a child and want others to take action and make a change for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be hard for me to talk to you for a long time if you even mentioned this to me, let alone followed through with it.

This would be an incredibly immature and extreme reaction.

Um- running away for a year-long vacation on Cape Cod while her husband still works is incredibly immature and extreme. DH should divorce her ass so she can be ALL ALONE but without his paycheck to pay for her little fantasy.

[Anonymous]

I assume, of course, you're expecting your husband to foot all the bills for this little adventure?

[Anonymous]

I read "The Pull of the Moon" by Elizabeth Berg last year and highly suggest it as a light easy read about this need at a certain time in life!

Just ignore the haters, everyone has different family dynamics!

[Anonymous]

You're basically setting this up as an ultimatum. Which is fine. Just understand the consequences for your actions may not be what you expect, and they may very well be permanent. For better, maybe -- but possibly also for worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, that's a fantasy that I have as well.
It reminds me of the Anne Tyler book: "The Ladder of Years"
Have you read it?

I think you should go for it if that is what you truly want, but make sure your family knows this is not a rejection of them, but something you want to do for your own sanity. But, would one year be enough? Or do you think you might decide you prefer living alone?

Thanks for the book recommendation - I've checked it out from the library.

As for realizing that I could prefer to live alone - you are on to something. My marriage has been far from Mulberry Street - ideal. DH has devoted a lot of his time to his career and I certainly feel I put my interests on hold as I played the SAHM/supporter role. He traveled often so it was hard for me to develop a life outside raising kids. I do not regret staying home, but I do carry resentment that his needs with his career were always the focus. Like I said, he insisted I stay home after the DC were all in school as he wouldn't/couldn't step up to help out and I couldn't do it all.

He made a sh!tload of money and we have substantial wealth, but I wonder, if it was all worth it....

I feel like the Toby Keith song after 25 years,
I want to talk about me
Want to talk about I
Want to talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you, you, you, you usually, but occasionally
I want to talk about me
I want to talk about me

Do you? Do you really?
It all depends on your definition of wealth. If the end result is you have to wonder if it was all worth it, you're really broke-a$$ poor, regardless of how much "money" you have. It ain't gonna buy you happy. There's no amount enough to do that.

And when you go away, you take yourself with you. If you can't be happy home, you can't be happy on an extended vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be hard for me to talk to you for a long time if you even mentioned this to me, let alone followed through with it.

This would be an incredibly immature and extreme reaction.

Um- running away for a year-long vacation on Cape Cod while her husband still works is incredibly immature and extreme. DH should divorce her ass so she can be ALL ALONE but without his paycheck to pay for her little fantasy.

+1. It's weird and selfish. My DH and I have been together for 27 yrs. I've been a SAHM since our kids were born and DH retired last year. Why in the world would a spouse want to "run away" and live separately for a year unless they want a divorce? If my DH suggested something like this, it would be the end of our marriage.