Am I a bad parent beacause I don't care how my kids keep their rooms?

[Anonymous]

My DS w/ADHD seems intrinsically incapable of keeping his room cleaned up and it feels like screaming into the void to keep trying to enforce it. I put a duvet and no flat sheet on his bed and ask him to pull it up when he gets up in the morning, most mornings he does it as part of his routine. I also help him gather up dirty clothes and move them to the laundry room hamper before bed. Other than that I've stopped trying. I do enforce him cleaning up in family spaces despite the absolute torture of the whole process. Our 5 yo DD is like a tornado of mess-making but she reliably and cheerfully cleans up after herself with very little prompting and seems to enjoy making things tidy again.

I have seen (and lived with) many examples of people who were brought up to keep things militantly clean no matter what, and they generally fall into two categories: unbearably controlling about tidiness themselves, or abject slobs. I am really trying to strike a balance, despite my own desire for things to be clean and organized as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Co-regulation for kids with ADHD is a lifesaver. “Larlo, you take one end of the blanket and I’ll take the other. We can make your bed easily.”

[Anonymous]

I'm sort of in the middle. I ask mine, as part of their morning routine, to make their beds before they leave for school, and to make sure that all dirty clothes are in the hamper and clear clothes in closets/drawers. They mostly do this, albeit in a haphazard way, and that's fine with me. By doing this, they seem to have a better sense of where things are (it's cut down on tearing the room apart for missing shoes when we're late for something, for example!) but I think it also instills in them that they need to be responsible or taking care of their things. Same goes for toys/common spaces. I think routine chores are an important part of learning responsibilities and growing up.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? If they are under 8, then I think you should put more effort into helping them learn how to clean & organize their space.

If they 9 & older, then maybe just try to encourage them to tidy up?

I can't stand a messy room & I don't think it's good for mental health living in a pigsty. We have provided our kids with a nice room & furniture and they need to take care of it. Once they move out and have their own houses, they can keep it however they like. But that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? If they are under 8, then I think you should put more effort into helping them learn how to clean & organize their space.

If they 9 & older, then maybe just try to encourage them to tidy up?

I can't stand a messy room & I don't think it's good for mental health living in a pigsty. We have provided our kids with a nice room & furniture and they need to take care of it. Once they move out and have their own houses, they can keep it however they like. But that's just me.

Your kids are not you. What you think is a pigsty may not be to them, with the assumption it's just messy not dirty. I've seen some parents with such high standards it gives their children anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say you're a bad parent. I would say you and I don't share the same values. Often kids get overwhelmed and don't know HOW to clean up such a big mess, so they just leave it. It doesn't mean they don't wish it were a clean space.

I have a similar approach. I don't care a lot about how my kid keeps her room, but I do care that she learns HOW to keep a room clean. So, my personal minimum is no food and the floors clean enough to vacuum, and also that if dirty clothes aren't in the hamper, and clean clothes aren't put away, I'm not doing her laundry. But we do sometimes clean her room, so that she can learn what that entails and how to do it. How do you make your bed (I'm not a hospital-corners-type person, but pulling up the sheets and blankets so that they are smooth and the bed can be used for sitting or reading or whatever)? What does "clean" mean? In my world, it means that clothes are put away, books are on the shelf, trash is thrown away, the floors are clear and swept/vacuumed, surfaces are dusted, etc. And a kid doesn't intuitively know how to get there, so it's useful to walk them through the steps and see the different discrete tasks that go into cleaning a room.

[Anonymous]

Bad mom no, but I don't think you are doing the right thing either.

Kids need to learn to clean and care for their things. I think their is a happy medium between being too controlling and letting the room be its own ecosystem.

-My kids have to make their bed daily. I believe this small act done first thing in the morning sets the course to being productive all day.

-They have to vacuum and dust their room every 2 weeks and wipe base boards once per month.

But besides those two things, plus no food, they can keep and organize their room how they want. However, a full vacuum and dusting is a LOT easier and quicker to do if things are put in their place and somewhat organized. They are learning this!

[Anonymous]

My college friend said her parents never made her do chores. She had trouble adjusting and wishes her parents made her name her bed and clean her room.

[Anonymous]

I had rules like no food or dirty dishes left in your room and no wet towels on the bed or the floor. Other than that I did not micromanage their rooms. However, once a week, typically Saturday, the rooms had to be straightened up and cleaned which usually just mean they would vacuum (they, not me). This was after I had taught them how to clean a room when they were in the 4-8 yr old range.

If they don't clean it up and organize their at least stuff once a week the mess gets way out of hand and they can't even find things, like their homework or something equally necessary. It's also important to have storage and compartments and shelves, etc designed to make organizing their stuff easier so there actually is a place for everything.

[Anonymous]

Want to know why the teen years are so hard for so many parents - because they can't look past what their kids do wrong and focus on what they do right. If your kid is doing the most important stuff well, then nothing else matters. A clean room is not the most important stuff. Are they doing their best in school? Are they respectful? Are they making good choices in friends and social activities? Let the rest go. Shut the door. Let them have autonomy over this one place in the world that is theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Want to know why the teen years are so hard for so many parents - because they can't look past what their kids do wrong and focus on what they do right. If your kid is doing the most important stuff well, then nothing else matters. A clean room is not the most important stuff. Are they doing their best in school? Are they respectful? Are they making good choices in friends and social activities? Let the rest go. Shut the door. Let them have autonomy over this one place in the world that is theirs.

Plenty of people manage all of these above. I don’t make mine clean up daily. But they have to tidy up on Saturday mornings so that I can vacuum. If I can’t vacuum their room, then they have to. Not sure why but that seems to be motivation enough for them.

[Anonymous]

We clean as a family every Sunday and only make them pick up their rooms on that day to vacuum. One DS (7) chooses to have an insane lego mess on his floor at all times other than Sunday morning, sleeps with 20 books and beyblades. Other DS (4) tidies his room every night before bed and never leaves crap on the floor. I don’t love the lego mess but it’s a creative space for him and seems to thrive in messier environments. Do what’s right for your family, I think I’m a good mother and bet you are too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? If they are under 8, then I think you should put more effort into helping them learn how to clean & organize their space.

If they 9 & older, then maybe just try to encourage them to tidy up?

I can't stand a messy room & I don't think it's good for mental health living in a pigsty. We have provided our kids with a nice room & furniture and they need to take care of it. Once they move out and have their own houses, they can keep it however they like. But that's just me.

Your kids are not you. What you think is a pigsty may not be to them, with the assumption it's just messy not dirty. I've seen some parents with such high standards it gives their children anxiety.

Oh please. Living in a messy/dirty room can also cause anxiety. Never being able to find your stuff because it's all over the place and never tidied is it's own problem. Parents having such low standards can also cause anxiety. It's probably somewhere in the middle but leaning closer to clean & tidy.

[Anonymous]

I never cared. I picked stuff up when I wanted to vacuum. They are grown and their homes are very clean. Everyone needs a place to just let things be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Want to know why the teen years are so hard for so many parents - because they can't look past what their kids do wrong and focus on what they do right. If your kid is doing the most important stuff well, then nothing else matters. A clean room is not the most important stuff. Are they doing their best in school? Are they respectful? Are they making good choices in friends and social activities? Let the rest go. Shut the door. Let them have autonomy over this one place in the world that is theirs.

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