Am I a bad parent beacause I don't care how my kids keep their rooms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are grown and gone. I had the same rules as you OP. I felt they needed to have a space that could be "theirs" but no food. I did have them do chores around the house and organize and clean up their messes in the family spaces. I encouraged them to make the bed and showed them that I like to start the day that way. One of their chores routinely would be clean your room- bi weekly or monthly? Not going to lie, I would go in, and do a deep cleaning-dusting, vacuuming, curtains, windows (because when they are younger they just don't care to clean as thoroughly as I would) 2-3 times a year without being nosy about their stuff. Especially in the fall when they went back to school. For my super messy kid, I'd just throw everything on the floor on the bed and say organize this or don't.

My children who were messy, can still sometimes be messy and cluttery. But as they grew, had friends over, went away to college they began to become more conscious of keeping their living space clean and organized.

They know my and their dad's room is clean. We keep the rest of the house clean so it's not like they are living in filth. They have chores around the house. Periodically, we do a clean out and I help them get rid of old toys, clothes etc, but I don't make them make their beds every day, or have their clothes away. At the same time they can't leave their things down in the main areas of the house , they know if they want something washed it has to be down in the washroom by a certain time.

[Anonymous]

I see it as part of my job to teach them how to be a considerate roommate / partner one day, so yes I care about their rooms. Don't need to be perfect but shouldn't be disgusting hovels either.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mind it until I hurt my toe on something. Also she’s calmer and spends more time in her room when it’s tidy. I help when it gets out of hand, but do ask for help. She’s still young and easily overwhelmed when it’s messy. Bed is rarely made (loft)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I talked to my therapist about it and their view is good parents don’t care about the room. (As long as there are no bugs or mold)

Controlling parents care about the bedroom.

Bull. Then cps use it against you if you’re in a custody battle.

A clean and orderly room and home are necessary for feeling well and safe.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a basic level of cleanliness that is important, i.e. no stuff all over the floor, no food or trash lying around, clothes in the hamper, put away laundry. Everything else is flexible.

[Anonymous]

Yes. it’s a life skill. Not only do they need to know how, they need the habit ingrained. No one wants to live with your adult slob child later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. it’s a life skill. Not only do they need to know how, they need the habit ingrained. No one wants to live with your adult slob child later in life.

Funny, most of the adults slobs I know had parents who "ingrained" tidiness in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talked to my therapist about it and their view is good parents don’t care about the room. (As long as there are no bugs or mold)

Controlling parents care about the bedroom.

Bull. Then cps use it against you if you’re in a custody battle.

A clean and orderly room and home are necessary for feeling well and safe.

Most people are not involved with CPS and custody battles.

[Anonymous]

Growing up, my parents only insisted I clean my room properly when we had company to stay. No food, of course. It was a disaster in elementary and middle school, messy in high school. I wasn't noticeably messier than my roommate in college and was on the tidier end of the spectrum in the apartments I've shared as an adult. I think OP's parenting style is fine.

[Anonymous]

I help my kids keep things tidy-ish. Mostly to try to build good habits.

But mine are little. Let's see what happens when they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see it as part of my job to teach them how to be a considerate roommate / partner one day, so yes I care about their rooms. Don't need to be perfect but shouldn't be disgusting hovels either.

This is the only reason I care about their rooms. I lived with a filthy roommate and I will never let my child be that ignorant. The older they get, the less I will insist , but right now my kids are young, so we discuss how to keep a room clean.

[Anonymous]

My parents were extremely controlling about cleaning (and everything else in life), including cleaning for my bedroom. Until I moved out, my room was always completely clean and my bed was always made. And then I went to college and became a slob and never recovered. My half of the master bedroom is usually a mess, despite my periodic efforts to keep things under control. My 7 year old DS is probably a slob at heart too, but we give him the choice of being a slob like mom or cleaner like my spouse. So far, he’s chosen to be like my spouse and chastises me for throwing my clean clothes on the floor in a pile. All of that to say that you can’t predict anything by what a parent requires of their child when it comes to cleaning!

[Anonymous]

I think the main way parents teach this skill is by modeling. My room was messy as a kid, and I really didn’t get better about it until I was in grad school. But my parents were clean, and neat people who kept a clean and appealingly decorated living space. So when I shared an apartment during college I always was a considerate roommate and kept common spaces clean, even when my own room was messy. My parents taught me this skill, they just didn’t make the room a battleground. I had to clean it up regularly, but it got messy in between and my mom was not a control freak in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it as part of my job to teach them how to be a considerate roommate / partner one day, so yes I care about their rooms. Don't need to be perfect but shouldn't be disgusting hovels either.

This is the only reason I care about their rooms. I lived with a filthy roommate and I will never let my child be that ignorant. The older they get, the less I will insist , but right now my kids are young, so we discuss how to keep a room clean.

+2. And I can’t imagine referring such a parenting decision to a therapist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I help my kids keep things tidy-ish. Mostly to try to build good habits.

But mine are little. Let's see what happens when they get older.

You definitely have to unclench for a teen in a way you don’t for a young child that you are still teaching.