Introverted relatives

[Anonymous]

OMG, people, are you for real? If that SIL's kids don't like being around cousins, they would've said something to their uptight mother and she would've not brought them over. Why is OP the only one hosting? Stop it, OP. Don't host. Don't invite them over. This SIL is rude and is hiding behind the whole introvert BS. She wouldn't die or crumble if she hosted once in a blue moon. Her house wouldn't disappear if her nieces and nephews showed up once a year. I wouldn't interact with someone like that SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL is a very, VERY introverted woman. Has been that way since childhood according to DH. DH and I suspect she has an undiagnosed Asperger's. She doesn't like company, period. Happy to work from home, take care of her children, engaged in their activities, but doesn't have close friendships and is perfectly fine flying solo. We are OK with that. But our kids are not. They want to get to know their cousins and SIL is not that keen on that. She never invites us to their house. She sets time on playdates, everything has to be outside. Been like since before the pandemic. Birthday parties are only for SIL, her DH and the kids. Again, WE are OK with that but our kids are offended. Should we talk to her? Should we ask her to "tough it out" once or twice?

Introverted people are not like this. I am introverted but I like company once in a while and I don't hold my kids back even when I am not in a mood to interact with people.

So much projection.

Could be SIL finds OP ago be a horrible, nosy busybody. She is willing to spend 2 hours at the park or at OPs as a reasonable compromise to family harmony.
Could be part of the reason for those time limits is that these kids have play dates all over the place with people they are not the cousins, or have lots of activities.

It says a lot to me that the onus, again is on the woman, and not the BIL, as keeper of the children’s happiness or whatever. These children are not being sequestered away if they are going on two hour play dates with their cousins and go to their cousins house. OP has some agenda about going to their house and letting the kids play unchecked for hours on end. I don’t really see anything unreasonable about what’s going on, other than OPs need to diagnose someone with something she knows nothing about over stuff that is entirely in her own head.

Not everyone views cousins being BFFs as some sort of freakish birthright, especially when there is a an age difference (which P still has not answered about).

WTF? Do you even know what projection mean?

[Anonymous]

You're considering having a talk with your SIL, expecting her to be a different kind of person, because your 5-year-old is offended by her character type? Now I've seen everything!

[Anonymous]

I could be the SIL. I am extroverted with people I like and introverted with people I don't like.

My SILs (DH's sisters) and I have a cordial but distant relationship. We don't have much in common. I don't like hosting one of the SILs because she's very bossy and self-centered and she tends to 'take over' wherever she goes and whatever she does. She's like that with everyone. She's also bossy to her own siblings and she is a controlling mom. I think she's a control freak.
I'm much more laid back.
She once came to our house and acted as if she owned the place.
I only see her and her husband (who also likes to be in the limelight, by the way) when there's no way out.

OP, why is it so important to you to meet inside your SIL's house? I can hardly believe that your kids care WHERE they meet and play with their cousins.
Maybe our SIL doesn't like hosting. Maybe she doesn't like YOU.

[Anonymous]

5 and 6 year olds do not get “offended” - op, you are the one who is offended and/or are vocalizing your negative characterization of SILs behavior in front of your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, how often are you seeing SIL and her kids (or trying to)? I'm very introverted, grew up as an only, and I LOVE my BILs and SILs and their kids. None of them are local so when we all get together it's complete madness and great. However, I can only take everyone for so long before I need to be alone or with only my nuclear family...it took me a while to learn my boundaries and enforce them respectfully. Are you trying to get together multiple times a week? That may be too much for your SIL. You could see if the kids could do something like Facebook Messenger together, my kid and his cousins loved doing that during the pandemic (they're in the 6-9 range). You set a timer so as not to go too long. I do feel like that there are ways to address this from your side rather than jumping to "how do I change her?" Because we all know one cannot make another person change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

If you were my sister-in-law I’d never invite you over. I’d tell my kids petty people are draining.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps your children damaged something in her home and she doesn’t want them inside.

[Anonymous]

How much older are the kids? I’m an extreme introvert BUT I love having my niece and nephew over. It’s not about being introverted.

In our situation, my kids are 2 and 3 years older than my sisters kids. It’s my own kids telling me they like seeing them, but for limited times. At their ages these age differences are huge. The age difference won’t be huge when they are older but it’s glaring now. Her family always want to have sleepovers. Mine kids never do. I try to explain to my sister that they can have a great time for a couple of hours but then it’s best we all go home.

My sister takes all of that and tells her kids I am too stressed over Covid and don’t want them to see her kids…

So really look deep at the situation and see if it’s an introvert thing.

[Anonymous]

You and your dh are obnoxious for assuming that your SIL has Aspergers.

This is why books like Quiet were written, because there is nothing wrong with introverts.

[Anonymous]

OP, do any of your kids have emotional problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people, are you for real? If that SIL's kids don't like being around cousins, they would've said something to their uptight mother and she would've not brought them over. Why is OP the only one hosting? Stop it, OP. Don't host. Don't invite them over. This SIL is rude and is hiding behind the whole introvert BS. She wouldn't die or crumble if she hosted once in a blue moon. Her house wouldn't disappear if her nieces and nephews showed up once a year. I wouldn't interact with someone like that SIL.

Is her husband also rude, or does he get a free pass because he has a penis? I guess penis = no need to follow social niceties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5 and 6 year olds do not get “offended” - op, you are the one who is offended and/or are vocalizing your negative characterization of SILs behavior in front of your kids.

This. If you treated the situation like it’s very normal for different families to have different preferences, then it wouldn’t cross your kids mind that anything was unusual. Also why are you complaining about SIL? Does her husband not have a role in the family?

OP, I really think you need to stop obsessing on why a family does things differently than you. If you want your kids to have relationships, you can do what you can within the boundaries this family is setting - take advantage of the park play dates, invite the cousins along to things, invite them over, etc. But don’t expect to change your SIL and her husband. Good for them for having boundaries that work for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your children damaged something in her home and she doesn’t want them inside.

My children have NEVER been to her home. NEVER. She never invites our family over. She never invites her parents over. So no, my parents have never damaged anything in her house.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she might not allow anyone in her house. Check in that every year as her kids age. I hope they socialize enough and join some sports teams or things…