Introverted relatives

[Anonymous]

I think my SIL might be saying similar things about me. The truth is that, while I AM an introvert, I just really, really don't like her. I keep visits or trips to a minimum timeframe because I don't think I could bite my tongue long enough to be around her longer. And her kids are annoying as hell too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL is a very, VERY introverted woman. Has been that way since childhood according to DH. DH and I suspect she has an undiagnosed Asperger's. She doesn't like company, period. Happy to work from home, take care of her children, engaged in their activities, but doesn't have close friendships and is perfectly fine flying solo. We are OK with that. But our kids are not. They want to get to know their cousins and SIL is not that keen on that. She never invites us to their house. She sets time on playdates, everything has to be outside. Been like since before the pandemic. Birthday parties are only for SIL, her DH and the kids. Again, WE are OK with that but our kids are offended. Should we talk to her? Should we ask her to "tough it out" once or twice?

sounds like she's perfectly "keen" on that, just on her terms not your kid's terms. Kids don't get to dictate lifestyles for other families, that's not how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date.

Both scenarios bother our children. They are timed, rigidly timed, they are either either at OUR house or in the park, and never in their house. Our kids started asking "why can't we ever go to their house?" She never extends an invitation. I don't know...maybe reciprocity is not a thing anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand your SIL as I am the same way. While I do not like going out and hosting playdates, I would be completely fine if the playdate happened somewhere else. So take the initiative and set up a playdate at your house.

But why does it always have to be at OP's house? Doesn't seem fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date.

Both scenarios bother our children. They are timed, rigidly timed, they are either either at OUR house or in the park, and never in their house. Our kids started asking "why can't we ever go to their house?" She never extends an invitation. I don't know...maybe reciprocity is not a thing anymore.

JFC. It's not about "reciprocity." If you insist on reciprocity, she'll probably just start turning down your invitations.

You KNOW she's a serious introvert, and has been her whole life. You don't just want the cousins to spend time together, you want them to spend time together in the exact way you want it, which would require her to have a different personality. She is who she is. There are ways to deal with that and still get what you say you value -- the cousins spending time together. There is no way to get it on your exact terms, however.

Tell your kids that you don't know why you can't go to their house, but isn't it great that you can play at the playground or at your house? This is part of parenting -- you aren't going to make other people change who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand your SIL as I am the same way. While I do not like going out and hosting playdates, I would be completely fine if the playdate happened somewhere else. So take the initiative and set up a playdate at your house.

But why does it always have to be at OP's house? Doesn't seem fair.

Because OP is the one who wants these things to happen, because she can't change her SIL's personality, and because OP is the one asking for advice. SIL isn't here asking if she needs to invite OP's kids over to play.

If you care more about things being fair, stop inviting the cousins to play. If you care more about the cousins having time together, then accept that this will happen at your house or the playground or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date.

Both scenarios bother our children. They are timed, rigidly timed, they are either either at OUR house or in the park, and never in their house. Our kids started asking "why can't we ever go to their house?" She never extends an invitation. I don't know...maybe reciprocity is not a thing anymore.

Do you make it clear to her that she doesn't need to come over/come to the park? Is she expected to be present for the whole playdate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand your SIL as I am the same way. While I do not like going out and hosting playdates, I would be completely fine if the playdate happened somewhere else. So take the initiative and set up a playdate at your house.

But why does it always have to be at OP's house? Doesn't seem fair.

Because OP is one who wants their kids to play together all the time. Not introverted / possible high function autistic SIL, who could probably care less.

Have the playdates at your house OP or at a third neutral location, such as a park.

[Anonymous]

OP, do your kids actually enjoy this woman and her children? Or are you the one trying to forge a relationship because "that's how things are"? Try dropping the matter. I would hate to be the one hosting or initiating playdates, it has to go both ways. Find your kids other playmates. I had a SIL just like yours. Introvert my ass. Too introverted to have dinner together. Too introverted to have playdates. Too introverted to show up to her brother's funeral but hey, let's ask him for financial support, sure wasn't too introverted for that. I made a smart move and cut out that cancer. No relationship whatsoever. I suggest you do the same. Stop initiating anything just for the sake of your kids. You are not doing them or yourselves any favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand your SIL as I am the same way. While I do not like going out and hosting playdates, I would be completely fine if the playdate happened somewhere else. So take the initiative and set up a playdate at your house.

But why does it always have to be at OP's house? Doesn't seem fair.

Because OP is one who wants their kids to play together all the time. Not introverted / possible high function autistic SIL, who could probably care less.

Have the playdates at your house OP or at a third neutral location, such as a park.

where did I say "playdates all the time"? I wouldn't initiate anything had my kids not ask for them. We meet maybe once a month. Last time we saw them was around Memorial Day. Not a word all summer.

[Anonymous]

I'm a serious introvert. I was never really aware of the idea of "play dates" until after I had my kid. I hate having people over because I feel anxious if the bathrooms are totally clean or the pet hair isn't vacuumed up. Plus, I have to figure out something for them to snack on or make for lunch. It's super stressful to me. I only hosted a few, plus one birthday party (never again!). I'm sure I'm talked about among other moms, oh well...

[Anonymous]

^ bathrooms "aren't" totally clean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?

How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are?

Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun.

Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date.

Both scenarios bother our children. They are timed, rigidly timed, they are either either at OUR house or in the park, and never in their house. Our kids started asking "why can't we ever go to their house?" She never extends an invitation. I don't know...maybe reciprocity is not a thing anymore.

I get it OP, but unfortunately you can’t change SIL, so just prioritize the cousins playing together (even if you’re the one always putting in the effort) and forget about reciprocation.

Side note: this is why I always pity the children of extreme introverts. I am somewhat introverted, but I put that aside for the sake of my kids and host regularly and always accept invitations if I logistically can. The extreme introverts I know have tiny circles and no one to count on, because few will stay friends with you if you *never* reciprocate or show interest in them. So their less-introverted kids feel really lonely.

[Anonymous]

Lol, your 5 and 6 year olds are not offended. They probably don't care all that much. You need to get a grip lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are totally in the wrong to think she should change HER lifestyle for YOUR kids. There is nothing wrong with having a set amount of time to visit with people. You could always say to her "I'm happy to watch the kids at the park and drop yours at home in an hour since they're all having so much fun together. If you'd enjoy some downtime at home I'm fine with the four of them here."

Just teach your kids "People like to have different lifestyles. This is what Aunt Brianna is comfortable with, so when we're at her house, that's what we do. This is what WE are comfortable with so this is what we do. When you grow up and have your own home you can run it however you want. That's the beauty of being an adult."

Use this script because it's absolutely correct.