Introverted relatives
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Anonymous
| SIL is a very, VERY introverted woman. Has been that way since childhood according to DH. DH and I suspect she has an undiagnosed Asperger's. She doesn't like company, period. Happy to work from home, take care of her children, engaged in their activities, but doesn't have close friendships and is perfectly fine flying solo. We are OK with that. But our kids are not. They want to get to know their cousins and SIL is not that keen on that. She never invites us to their house. She sets time on playdates, everything has to be outside. Been like since before the pandemic. Birthday parties are only for SIL, her DH and the kids. Again, WE are OK with that but our kids are offended. Should we talk to her? Should we ask her to "tough it out" once or twice? |
Anonymous
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WTF? Is this for real? Your kids are offended by their aunt's personality and you want to talk to her about changing her innate trait?
How about you talk to your kids about what's appropriate and teach them to accept people as they are? |
Anonymous
| Her home, her turf. Wha about inviting cousins to your home? |
Anonymous
| Form of agoraphobia? |
Anonymous
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This doesn't sound like Asperger's.
Is she like this with other people? If you were to invite the kids overnight for a movie and pizza or offer to take them all to the zoo, she doesn't have to come would she say no? Some of this may be resolved when the kids are older and can start taking themselves places. |
Anonymous
Our kids are 5 and 6. Her kids are a little older. They do come to OUR house. But our kids are never invited. We can meet at the park but she sets very specific time frame: like 2 hours and not a minute more. Even if they are having fun. |
Anonymous
| How old are the kids? Wait until they’re 5+ and start doing drop-off play dates (at your house). |
Anonymous
Does it bother *you* that the play dates are at your house and timed, or does it bother your kids? If the former, let it go. If the latter, teach your kids to let it go. Maybe plan the playtime right before lunch or dinner out somewhere, so they’ll have that to look forward to at the end of the play date. |
Anonymous
So pick up the kids and bring them to your house or the park and take them back home. She's always been this way, she's not going to change. If the cousins spending time together is really important to you, you make it happen. And you teach your kids not to take something personally when it's not personal. Because I can almost guarantee if you tell her she needs to "tough it out" for the sake of your kids, your kids will see even less of their cousins than they do now. Because telling someone that their personality is wrong is never going to go well. |
Anonymous
| As an introvert my advice to you is to tell SIL that your kids beg you to see their cousins. Propose a specific activity. "I'm taking Joe and Sally to the trampoline park on Saturday. May I swing by and pick up Susan and Mike?" Swallow your pride wholly and make it seem like Aunt Introverted is doing you and your family the biggest favor ever. We introverts will often decline invitations for our kids because people expect you to reciprocate and attend their family events. Make it clear that all you want is access to her kids. |
Anonymous
| I'm not seeing the problem. If you want to see the cousins, see the cousins. Meet them at the park. (2 hours is fine) But also invite them to your house. Have them stay overnight or for the weekend. Take them on a trip with you. Invite them to your kids parties even if they don't reciprocate. |
Anonymous
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You and your kids sound like whiners. They’re already seeing their cousins! Who cares if you think SIL should provide more access? This is clearly a “you” problem. Get over it, and be happy the cousins get along. |
Anonymous
| I completely understand your SIL as I am the same way. While I do not like going out and hosting playdates, I would be completely fine if the playdate happened somewhere else. So take the initiative and set up a playdate at your house. |
Anonymous
I’m so confused. If the relationship is so important to you, there should be no second thought about continuing to have them to your house, and arranging play dates, even if they last a set time. I mean, do entire afternoons really have to be spent at the playground? Two hours is plenty as an organized event. Why are your kids so upset about not being invited to another family’s birthday dinner (it’s not even a birthday party if it’s just the nuclear family)? Are you sure it’s not that the older kids are older and not really that interested in spending tons of time with your younger kids? Maybe the cousins aren’t super pumped to have to watch your kids paw through their belongings or whatever, so there’s no real reason for an invite. This really sounds to me more like needing to manageur kids expectations than an issue with your SIL. |
Anonymous
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You are totally in the wrong to think she should change HER lifestyle for YOUR kids. There is nothing wrong with having a set amount of time to visit with people. You could always say to her "I'm happy to watch the kids at the park and drop yours at home in an hour since they're all having so much fun together. If you'd enjoy some downtime at home I'm fine with the four of them here."
Just teach your kids "People like to have different lifestyles. This is what Aunt Brianna is comfortable with, so when we're at her house, that's what we do. This is what WE are comfortable with so this is what we do. When you grow up and have your own home you can run it however you want. That's the beauty of being an adult." |