Wife seduction

[Anonymous]

PPP: I read to your post a little too quickly before I answered.
But when the time is right I will ask her if the sex that we have is what she is truly looking for and if there’s anything she’d like to change or do differently I’m all in. I think the daily grind of kids and Covid have sapped some of the joy from our life and that may be what is hindering the tractor beam that used to be between us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Losing the spark is NOT what 180 is for. That's for if she cheated on you and is going to leave. Sheesh.

You need to attract her and be attractive to her and make her feel attractive. She needs to do her part too. But that said, do more than kiss her and tell her she looks good. Do things all day that make her feel loved. Plan dates, have good conversation, flirt with her. Do novel things and stop doing stupid stuff like picking your nose or farting in her presence. Nothing kills my libido more than when DH is gross. Anything you wouldn't have done in your early days with her, don't do it now.

NP here. That’s all well and good, but if the spark is not there those activities don’t help as much. I would say let her go out and reclaim her own spark. Let her flirt and feel attractive and remember what it’s like to have all those feelings. Feeling sexy is a state of mind. If your wife isn’t feeling it on her own there’s only so much you can do.

When I’m not feeling it there is really not much my husband can do, he could be perfect and I just wouldn’t be there. When I am feeling it then it takes no effort on his part. The truth is I have to get in touch with my self and sometimes him giving me space to do that is the path to reconnecting.

I think you guys are both right. The main thing is that women need to really get in touch with themselves, to take charge of their own desire. I think men can encourage that in different ways. But what usually happens is that men make it about the man’s desire. I think the encouragement has to come from a truly selfless place. Which is of course not easy.

If men want to have sex with their wives, they first have to not want sex. This advice comes up periodically. It's very Zen.

You have missed the point entirely

That’s often how it goes with these koans.

OMG DCUM has a resident Zen sex expert… 🙄

OMG!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, im curious: do you think you could honestly say that you sincerely want your wife to realize her full sexual potential, outside of how that would benefit you? Can you set aside your own desires and hope for your wife, for her own sake, that she can have the sex lift her heart truly desires? Not in a “there is a problem and let’s fix this way,” but in a “I love my spouse and I want what is best for you her” kind of way?

I am thinking about a romance novel I read a while back, and in it the main characters had several sexual encounters solely focused on the woman’s pleasure before they ever had sex. This was not at all a turn-on for me personally, but maybe it shows that a lot of women love the idea of being assured that their partners want the best for them sexually, as opposed to wondering if their sexual partners see them as an object there to meet their own sexual desires. Because men often do feel that way about women, sadly.

I obviously don’t know what is going on, maybe your wife truly, genuinely never wants an orgasm or sex again. But I think most people do want a good sex life, even if they have been a stranger to desire for a while. And if you look at the situation from the perspective of a spouse really and truly wanting his wife to be happy, I imagine you are more likely to have success.

Maybe a lot of this depends on how you feel about marriage. Is it transactional, about giving this for that, or is it about sometimes selfless love and connection?

I 100% want my wife to have a happy, fulfilling life. I’ve got a masters plus 20 from She Comes First and when we’re together I’m all about her, there’s nothing better than seeing her cum. We’re together 2 sometimes 3x a week when her cycle is predictable, none of what I’ve been asking is about frequency, all I want is some of that invisible pull that used to be between us to come back if it’s at all possible.
She’s 48, has been dealing with missing periods and everything that goes along with it, I don’t think she’s going to be up for a sexual walkabout but I’m curious what you are alluding to?

NP. If she’s close to 50, that is just a tricky few years for women in terms of hormones. I’m sorry, probably not what you want to hear. But just being realistic. When hormones go down sleep is tough and you feel very on edge and irritable.

What are you feeling in relation to her? I mean of course you love her and want her to be happy, but if you look at where your head is it without judgment that might tell you something. Often people mirror each other.

I have no idea what PP is on about. In my experience with friends in their 40s, the women are definitely restless and searching for something. Could be a different kind of emotional connection, could be sexual, could be they are just feeling over it and needing a break. Probably things get more predictable after menopause is done.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are right to avoid the mine-field of “open marriage.”

But there are endless other ways to spice things up.

Since you two broached the topic of “outside interests,” why don’t you book a couples trip to Vegas and take her to see the Cirque de Solie (the explicit adult version).

It’s art. Its tasteful. It’s also meant to be erotic.

Maybe watching other people - semi nude, fit, young people- will trigger desire in her brain (maybe yours too?). Couldn’t hurt to try.

[Anonymous]

Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you are right to avoid the mine-field of “open marriage.”

But there are endless other ways to spice things up.

Since you two broached the topic of “outside interests,” why don’t you book a couples trip to Vegas and take her to see the Cirque de Solie (the explicit adult version).

It’s art. Its tasteful. It’s also meant to be erotic.

Maybe watching other people - semi nude, fit, young people- will trigger desire in her brain (maybe yours too?). Couldn’t hurt to try.

Imagine being a burnt out menopausal woman and having your husband drag you to Vegas to watch an erotic circus. I mean, maybe that could work? But it could also be kind of alienating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

I’m not OP. But sometimes if a guy meets someone who reminds him of what’s missing, it can make him feel like he needs to do something. Or maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

This slightly empty feeling is recent, just looking to get us closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you are right to avoid the mine-field of “open marriage.”

But there are endless other ways to spice things up.

Since you two broached the topic of “outside interests,” why don’t you book a couples trip to Vegas and take her to see the Cirque de Solie (the explicit adult version).

It’s art. Its tasteful. It’s also meant to be erotic.

Maybe watching other people - semi nude, fit, young people- will trigger desire in her brain (maybe yours too?). Couldn’t hurt to try.

Imagine being a burnt out menopausal woman and having your husband drag you to Vegas to watch an erotic circus. I mean, maybe that could work? But it could also be kind of alienating.

Guess I thought it went without saying:

- first fix the “burnt out,” problem, and addressing (as much as possible) the menopause issues, then,

- get her on board, so she isn’t dragged there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

This slightly empty feeling is recent, just looking to get us closer.

I’m sorry, OP. This year has definitely been hard, and sounds like you are at a draining stage of life on top of it.

Sounds cheesy but you know what they say — if you’re feeling distant in a relationship it’s because one or both you is having trouble being close to yourself. When you’re in the presence of someone who is connected with themselves and emotionally open then it makes you feel yourself and want to be open back. There’s no secret recipe for intimacy but sometimes you gotta just dig through those feelings you mentioned like resentment, loneliness etc and feel each other. There’s no reason you can’t be close again. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

This slightly empty feeling is recent, just looking to get us closer.

I’m sorry, OP. This year has definitely been hard, and sounds like you are at a draining stage of life on top of it.

Sounds cheesy but you know what they say — if you’re feeling distant in a relationship it’s because one or both you is having trouble being close to yourself. When you’re in the presence of someone who is connected with themselves and emotionally open then it makes you feel yourself and want to be open back. There’s no secret recipe for intimacy but sometimes you gotta just dig through those feelings you mentioned like resentment, loneliness etc and feel each other. There’s no reason you can’t be close again. Good luck.

Op here:
What an incredibly enlightening response, thank you for writing this. This all makes total sense, she is feeling out of sorts because of looming menopause and that is throwing her off which might throw me off. The kids are all out for the weekend, we would have to dinner with friends last night and had an awesome time, we spent the whole day together today, I took her to my favorite place for lunch and we just went to target and ran some errands but it was a really nice day and she seemed relaxed and happy.

I have a plan, I am going to be an easy-going non-demanding rock that will grease some of the rails for her that I can so she has the space to come to terms with what she’s going through; hopefully we’ll be back to where we were soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

This slightly empty feeling is recent, just looking to get us closer.

I’m sorry, OP. This year has definitely been hard, and sounds like you are at a draining stage of life on top of it.

Sounds cheesy but you know what they say — if you’re feeling distant in a relationship it’s because one or both you is having trouble being close to yourself. When you’re in the presence of someone who is connected with themselves and emotionally open then it makes you feel yourself and want to be open back. There’s no secret recipe for intimacy but sometimes you gotta just dig through those feelings you mentioned like resentment, loneliness etc and feel each other. There’s no reason you can’t be close again. Good luck.

Op here:
What an incredibly enlightening response, thank you for writing this. This all makes total sense, she is feeling out of sorts because of looming menopause and that is throwing her off which might throw me off. The kids are all out for the weekend, we would have to dinner with friends last night and had an awesome time, we spent the whole day together today, I took her to my favorite place for lunch and we just went to target and ran some errands but it was a really nice day and she seemed relaxed and happy.

I have a plan, I am going to be an easy-going non-demanding rock that will grease some of the rails for her that I can so she has the space to come to terms with what she’s going through; hopefully we’ll be back to where we were soon.

You’re welcome. Someone wise once told me, construction is a series of compromises. It looks like a mess now but you’ll get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

This slightly empty feeling is recent, just looking to get us closer.

I’m sorry, OP. This year has definitely been hard, and sounds like you are at a draining stage of life on top of it.

Sounds cheesy but you know what they say — if you’re feeling distant in a relationship it’s because one or both you is having trouble being close to yourself. When you’re in the presence of someone who is connected with themselves and emotionally open then it makes you feel yourself and want to be open back. There’s no secret recipe for intimacy but sometimes you gotta just dig through those feelings you mentioned like resentment, loneliness etc and feel each other. There’s no reason you can’t be close again. Good luck.

Op here:
What an incredibly enlightening response, thank you for writing this. This all makes total sense, she is feeling out of sorts because of looming menopause and that is throwing her off which might throw me off. The kids are all out for the weekend, we would have to dinner with friends last night and had an awesome time, we spent the whole day together today, I took her to my favorite place for lunch and we just went to target and ran some errands but it was a really nice day and she seemed relaxed and happy.

I have a plan, I am going to be an easy-going non-demanding rock that will grease some of the rails for her that I can so she has the space to come to terms with what she’s going through; hopefully we’ll be back to where we were soon.

You’re welcome. Someone wise once told me, construction is a series of compromises. It looks like a mess now but you’ll get there.

OP here:
M or F
Who are you?!? I say that all the time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

This slightly empty feeling is recent, just looking to get us closer.

I’m sorry, OP. This year has definitely been hard, and sounds like you are at a draining stage of life on top of it.

Sounds cheesy but you know what they say — if you’re feeling distant in a relationship it’s because one or both you is having trouble being close to yourself. When you’re in the presence of someone who is connected with themselves and emotionally open then it makes you feel yourself and want to be open back. There’s no secret recipe for intimacy but sometimes you gotta just dig through those feelings you mentioned like resentment, loneliness etc and feel each other. There’s no reason you can’t be close again. Good luck.

Op here:
What an incredibly enlightening response, thank you for writing this. This all makes total sense, she is feeling out of sorts because of looming menopause and that is throwing her off which might throw me off. The kids are all out for the weekend, we would have to dinner with friends last night and had an awesome time, we spent the whole day together today, I took her to my favorite place for lunch and we just went to target and ran some errands but it was a really nice day and she seemed relaxed and happy.

I have a plan, I am going to be an easy-going non-demanding rock that will grease some of the rails for her that I can so she has the space to come to terms with what she’s going through; hopefully we’ll be back to where we were soon.

You’re welcome. Someone wise once told me, construction is a series of compromises. It looks like a mess now but you’ll get there.

OP here:
M or F
Who are you?!? I say that all the time!

Let’s just say… I hope I helped you as much as you helped me. And I’ll never mention it so don’t worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just out of the blue this came up for you, OP? Or did something trigger it? I’m just trying to understand what might make my husband aware of what sounds like an ongoing issue for many years in such a way as to realize he wants to do something about it.

This slightly empty feeling is recent, just looking to get us closer.

I’m sorry, OP. This year has definitely been hard, and sounds like you are at a draining stage of life on top of it.

Sounds cheesy but you know what they say — if you’re feeling distant in a relationship it’s because one or both you is having trouble being close to yourself. When you’re in the presence of someone who is connected with themselves and emotionally open then it makes you feel yourself and want to be open back. There’s no secret recipe for intimacy but sometimes you gotta just dig through those feelings you mentioned like resentment, loneliness etc and feel each other. There’s no reason you can’t be close again. Good luck.

Op here:
What an incredibly enlightening response, thank you for writing this. This all makes total sense, she is feeling out of sorts because of looming menopause and that is throwing her off which might throw me off. The kids are all out for the weekend, we would have to dinner with friends last night and had an awesome time, we spent the whole day together today, I took her to my favorite place for lunch and we just went to target and ran some errands but it was a really nice day and she seemed relaxed and happy.

I have a plan, I am going to be an easy-going non-demanding rock that will grease some of the rails for her that I can so she has the space to come to terms with what she’s going through; hopefully we’ll be back to where we were soon.

You’re welcome. Someone wise once told me, construction is a series of compromises. It looks like a mess now but you’ll get there.

OP here:
M or F
Who are you?!? I say that all the time!

Let’s just say… I hope I helped you as much as you helped me. And I’ll never mention it so don’t worry.

Wow you’re smart, I hope you have a good ride home from the beach.