Would you kick out an adult child with depression?

[Anonymous]

Once a kid is 21, you can’t enforce treatment, medication or employment or chores. We see this scenario on DCUM with posters whose sibling is still living with the parents and aren’t taking care of the parents. Failure to launch, entitled freeloader or mental illness? It’s a fine line.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am very sympathetic to people with depression, and I know that sometimes parents expect their kids to do normal things like contribute to household chores when the kids literally cannot do that.

But I also know a life with too much ease can contribute to depression.

I would error on the side of sympathy, but it’s a really tough call to make. I don’t envy anybody in that position.

Pls a life in zero contributions or productivity equals more depression.

Most people want to be needed and to contribute. Even from age 2 on. Like Montessori school. They want to be functioning, give them more and more times to function.

I completely agree. The question here is whether you'd kick them out if they refused to do it.

I would disassociate with them if they lived in my house and on my dime. I am not a psychologist or a doctor or a fulltime nurse. You can’t save everyone. Hire a professional. Caretaking mentally disordered relatives is no joke. It’s soul sucking.

You would stop talking to your kid and pay someone to help them?

What’s to talk about?

We must not be on the same page with how dire things are or could be. Have you quit your job, your career, your friends, your other disordered relatives to try to save a disordered adult child? Maybe I know a lot of women who have. Even when the child was young. They quit everything to sacrifice for said child and young adult. Do you want to know the results? You don’t. Your stop repeating your same question 10 x on this thread.

Go join some meetup groups on the subject. Good luck.

No one is doing that.

Way to miss the main point again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see myself kicking out my own kid for depression and inability to function. But if I helped them seek treatment and they were resistant to it and the ways with which I'm helping, then that might be a different conversation. But I wouldn't put someone who's not doing well out to fend for themselves.

+1 I've personally known 2 families who made that decision with their sons. Both committed suicide. Very hard decision, but I wouldn't do it.

You also don’t know if these men would have committed suicide in any case.

There is also a cost to the family in having someone living with them that has untreated mental illness and is not contributing to the family unit, including the cost of the mental health of the other members of the family.

PP here. Believe me, I get it. We have anxiety, depression and autism in our extended family. Will still say, based on my observations of friends' sons, I would not kick out a child unless supports are in place. Same if I had a child with a chronic physical illness or intellectual disability who couldn't function independently.

[Anonymous]

This thread is the mental health equivalent of all those horrible threads where moms are told to JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. The thread could be referring to virtual school, an overweight kid, poor play date behavior or a million other things.

The idea that people are essentially advocating for abandoning a sick person is being glossed over. I’m sure nursing a cancer patient can hurt ones mental health too. It wouldn’t be ok to toss cancer patient out on the street. But because of the stigma of mental illness, it’s ok to talk this way? Well it’s not ok.

There are a million different situations and it’s impossible to write a blanket response to what OP asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see myself kicking out my own kid for depression and inability to function. But if I helped them seek treatment and they were resistant to it and the ways with which I'm helping, then that might be a different conversation. But I wouldn't put someone who's not doing well out to fend for themselves.

+1 I've personally known 2 families who made that decision with their sons. Both committed suicide. Very hard decision, but I wouldn't do it.

You also don’t know if these men would have committed suicide in any case.

There is also a cost to the family in having someone living with them that has untreated mental illness and is not contributing to the family unit, including the cost of the mental health of the other members of the family.

PP here. Believe me, I get it. We have anxiety, depression and autism in our extended family. Will still say, based on my observations of friends' sons, I would not kick out a child unless supports are in place. Same if I had a child with a chronic physical illness or intellectual disability who couldn't function independently.

+1 to what I wouldn't be willing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Substitute “depression” for “cancer.” Keep everything else in the post the same. How would you answer, OP and others?

So, the person is refusing cancer treatment, but is presumably creating a situation in which the parents must take care of the person...until they die?

I think the refusing treatment is the key element in this discussion, regardless of the disease in question.

DP. A number of patients do make that choice, and it can be because they want to prioritize their quality of life and the treatment will only extend their lives.

Would you be willing to kick out a person with cancer, assuming they weren't going to a hospital or hospice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is the mental health equivalent of all those horrible threads where moms are told to JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. The thread could be referring to virtual school, an overweight kid, poor play date behavior or a million other things.

The idea that people are essentially advocating for abandoning a sick person is being glossed over. I’m sure nursing a cancer patient can hurt ones mental health too. It wouldn’t be ok to toss cancer patient out on the street. But because of the stigma of mental illness, it’s ok to talk this way? Well it’s not ok.

There are a million different situations and it’s impossible to write a blanket response to what OP asked.

Agree. Moms are the ones blamed for behavior children or for not “doing enough” or not devoting their lives to it. Meanwhile half of them have a spouse with the same disorder undermining any parenting or treatment of the child. It’s a $hitty situation with no end it sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Substitute “depression” for “cancer.” Keep everything else in the post the same. How would you answer, OP and others?

So, the person is refusing cancer treatment, but is presumably creating a situation in which the parents must take care of the person...until they die?

I think the refusing treatment is the key element in this discussion, regardless of the disease in question.

DP. A number of patients do make that choice, and it can be because they want to prioritize their quality of life and the treatment will only extend their lives.

Would you be willing to kick out a person with cancer, assuming they weren't going to a hospital or hospice?

You already asked that a few times.

Plus, don’t be dense, they answered it. Terminal cancer is not a never ending basket of mental disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

I would never, ever give up on my kid. The only situation where I would kick her out of our home would be if she was harming one of us, which is impossible to imagine. But if she was simply struggling, I would do whatever it took to help her. She is the single most important person in our lives.

In that situation, God forbid, would you still try to support her in getting better?

PP here and yes, no question. I would take care to ensure I was physically safe, but I view it as a moral duty to do whatever I can to help my child, even as an adult. That's what I signed up for when I decided to have a child. It's the whole point. I really cannot imagine a scenario where I would write off my kid.

[Anonymous]

Kick out? No.

Develop a plan together? Yes.

A child needs a parent to be on their team. Regardless of age. Forever. It’s mom and child against the depression. Not mom against child.

[Anonymous]

It’s really tough. If you haven’t lived it you don’t really understand. There’s a fine line between enabling and caretaking. Sometimes moving someone to a new situation is better for everyone, including the depressed individual. That’s not abandoning per se but yes it may mean putting up some distance. Sacrificing a large portion of your life in the care of someone else’s illness is not necessarily honoring them or the preciousness of life itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Substitute “depression” for “cancer.” Keep everything else in the post the same. How would you answer, OP and others?

So, the person is refusing cancer treatment, but is presumably creating a situation in which the parents must take care of the person...until they die?

I think the refusing treatment is the key element in this discussion, regardless of the disease in question.

DP. A number of patients do make that choice, and it can be because they want to prioritize their quality of life and the treatment will only extend their lives.

Would you be willing to kick out a person with cancer, assuming they weren't going to a hospital or hospice?

You already asked that a few times.

Plus, don’t be dense, they answered it. Terminal cancer is not a never ending basket of mental disorders.

No and no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see myself kicking out my own kid for depression and inability to function. But if I helped them seek treatment and they were resistant to it and the ways with which I'm helping, then that might be a different conversation. But I wouldn't put someone who's not doing well out to fend for themselves.

+1 I've personally known 2 families who made that decision with their sons. Both committed suicide. Very hard decision, but I wouldn't do it.

You also don’t know if these men would have committed suicide in any case.

There is also a cost to the family in having someone living with them that has untreated mental illness and is not contributing to the family unit, including the cost of the mental health of the other members of the family.

DP. What impact do you think that this would have on the others, compared to the impact that being kicked out could have for the person with depression?

You mean what happens to the other healthy children or teens when the vast majority of the time, energy, money, talking, and effort goes towards the mentally ill child? Or when the mentally ill person is rude and nasty to caretakers, siblings and parents? Or god forbid starts abusing drugs as well?

Lots happens. Lots.

In those cases, it's understandable if the parent wants the child to move out, as long as they are working with them to help them get treatment.

Do you have empathy for people with depression?

Depression is very often an output of a different mental illness or disorder. If they parent met with a skilled PhD level psychologist and the patient, maybe they could figure it out and do a targeted treatment. That takes time and refining over a year as well. It’s almost a fulltime job for the caretaker if nothing has been better figured out during age 1-18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kick out? No.

Develop a plan together? Yes.

A child needs a parent to be on their team. Regardless of age. Forever. It’s mom and child against the depression. Not mom against child.

Where dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they didn't contribute to housework, work, or get treatment.

Not a situation that I'm experiencing. I read posts where posters implied that was an option and am wondering what most people think.

Questions like these are best answered by saying: What would a man do?