Would you kick out an adult child with depression?

[Anonymous]

If they didn't contribute to housework, work, or get treatment.

Not a situation that I'm experiencing. I read posts where posters implied that was an option and am wondering what most people think.

[Anonymous]

It's a very hard call to make unless you're in the situation. People will say kick the person out since they're not contributing; other people will say how could you be so heartless--depression is an illness and it can't be controlled.

For me, the line is a willingness to seek treatment or not. The person may be sick but there is treatment and medication. To live in my house and not contribute, you have to contribute by helping yourself.

[Anonymous]

I don't see myself kicking out my own kid for depression and inability to function. But if I helped them seek treatment and they were resistant to it and the ways with which I'm helping, then that might be a different conversation. But I wouldn't put someone who's not doing well out to fend for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Never. Never. Never.

And I think anyone that would doesn’t really understand depression.

[Anonymous]

That's a tough one. I have a kind with mental health issues and I'm hoping we don't get to that point. I view it as my job as a parent to get DC under control now. I realize its a special need, but I want to get them fully functional.

[Anonymous]

I am very sympathetic to people with depression, and I know that sometimes parents expect their kids to do normal things like contribute to household chores when the kids literally cannot do that.

But I also know a life with too much ease can contribute to depression.

I would error on the side of sympathy, but it’s a really tough call to make. I don’t envy anybody in that position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a very hard call to make unless you're in the situation. People will say kick the person out since they're not contributing; other people will say how could you be so heartless--depression is an illness and it can't be controlled.

For me, the line is a willingness to seek treatment or not. The person may be sick but there is treatment and medication. To live in my house and not contribute, you have to contribute by helping yourself.

What if they are unwilling to seek treatment or they do not see the need, you kick them out and their mental health becomes even worse. This could have disastrous consequences. For them as well as for you and the extended family.

[Anonymous]

Substitute “depression” for “cancer.” Keep everything else in the post the same. How would you answer, OP and others?

[Anonymous]

I would not throw them out...however their life style might be fairly bad for lack of funds to entertain themselves.

[Anonymous]

No.

I would never, ever give up on my kid. The only situation where I would kick her out of our home would be if she was harming one of us, which is impossible to imagine. But if she was simply struggling, I would do whatever it took to help her. She is the single most important person in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Substitute “depression” for “cancer.” Keep everything else in the post the same. How would you answer, OP and others?

So, the person is refusing cancer treatment, but is presumably creating a situation in which the parents must take care of the person...until they die?

I think the refusing treatment is the key element in this discussion, regardless of the disease in question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a very hard call to make unless you're in the situation. People will say kick the person out since they're not contributing; other people will say how could you be so heartless--depression is an illness and it can't be controlled.

For me, the line is a willingness to seek treatment or not. The person may be sick but there is treatment and medication. To live in my house and not contribute, you have to contribute by helping yourself.

+1

It's easy to tell someone else to kick out their child, but as a parent...it's hard to actually do if you love your kids. You don't want to enable, but you worry that kicking them out might result in really dire consequences -- homelessness, or worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very hard call to make unless you're in the situation. People will say kick the person out since they're not contributing; other people will say how could you be so heartless--depression is an illness and it can't be controlled.

For me, the line is a willingness to seek treatment or not. The person may be sick but there is treatment and medication. To live in my house and not contribute, you have to contribute by helping yourself.

What if they are unwilling to seek treatment or they do not see the need, you kick them out and their mental health becomes even worse. This could have disastrous consequences. For them as well as for you and the extended family.

Right. Also as somebody who has experienced major, life-threatening depression, I know just how hard it is to get treatment. It isn’t like seeing a doctor for knee pain. Mental health treatment is complex and often doesn’t even work. People say “get therapy” without even realizing how difficult it is to find a therapist when you have crippling depression.

If somebody had severe depression I would treat it like any other severe illness and I would never kick them out.

If I felt like I was enabling the depression by making their life too easy, I would help them to find other arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Substitute “depression” for “cancer.” Keep everything else in the post the same. How would you answer, OP and others?

So, the person is refusing cancer treatment, but is presumably creating a situation in which the parents must take care of the person...until they die?

I think the refusing treatment is the key element in this discussion, regardless of the disease in question.

Well, in that first scenario, would you really kick out the kid?

Also, getting treatment for cancer is much, much easier than getting treatment for depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Substitute “depression” for “cancer.” Keep everything else in the post the same. How would you answer, OP and others?

So, the person is refusing cancer treatment, but is presumably creating a situation in which the parents must take care of the person...until they die?

I think the refusing treatment is the key element in this discussion, regardless of the disease in question.

You have to break down what "refusing treatment" is though. The typical treatments for depression are talk therapy and medication. A lot of people think these are straightforward treatments, but often they are not. Finding the right medication can take years, and some people have medication-resistant depression and never find a combo or level that works for them (some medications can make it much worse, or have side effects that make it not worth it). Talk therapy is really hard, especially if you have severe depression. A lot of therapists are crap (sorry, I've been through it -- there are a lot of duds out there). Plus depression itself can make people resist treatment. They feel unworthy of the effort or simply do not care enough about anything to try something. It's a terrible disease.

So context matters a lot. Are they refusing treatment or they refusing a suggested treatment that they have had a bad experience with or isn't working for them. People who have not experience depression, or have dealt with a mild case, can sometimes get frustrated when they have a loved one who doesn't get better shortly after starting an SSRI or talk therapy. And they'll blame the individual and say it's because they aren't trying hard enough. This can easily spiral and make the depressed person lose interest in therapy or give up on finding the right meds.

I agree with the PP that you should treat depression like any other medical problem in terms of supporting the person who is suffering. But treating depression is complicated at times and you can't assume that just because someone doesn't want to take a prescribed medication or see a specific doctor that they are a lost cause. You need to understand the disease.