Anyone else feel socially awkward in mom groups but not in the other parts of life?

[Anonymous]

I’m another one of the people who feels MORE comfortable in “mom” situations. I think it’s bc it’s one of the only places I don’t have imposter syndrome/don’t feel cool enough - I know I deserve to be at the playground/library thing/whatever bc I have a child just like everybody else there. Also, whenever a conversation gets boring/awkward, you can always use your kid as an out.

That said, I’m not sure hanging out with other moms is my favorite thing in the world. I really don’t like when people compare children or brag about their children or give unsolicited parenting advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find the mom groups need a different area of expertise. You're either the Mom type who is an expert on everything involved with kid enrichment, education, and has a 400-square foot playroom at home with its own school chalkboard or you're not.

I'm not.

I don’t think that’s it. Some moms in our groups were like that and some weren’t. Most were in between.

For me, I just had very little in common with the other moms in our groups. Different profession, different interests, different sense of humor, etc.

I doubt we would have been friends if we didn’t have babies around the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you, OP. Your gut instinct is picking up on what is happening and it is recoiling. Honor how you feel. Playground mom groups -- or any mom groups -- are nothing but a viper pit. A wolf pack of women loudly backstabbing the mom who is not there that day, and her kids. Seriously. Stay away from them, don't invest anything is those people. Keep your distance. I sure did. Zero regrets.

--A long-time SAHM

While this may be true in your experience, I don't think the issue is really about SAHMs or backstabbing or overt pettiness. Even in perfectly civil "nice" groups I have experienced, sometimes for years (comprised mostly of WOHMs FWIW), there is often an undercurrent of competition and judgment (even if it never really manifests) that seems to impede real friendships. At least for me.

This. Women are socialized to compete with one another and DC is a particularly competitive place, so I have gotten this vibe in many friend groups regardless of SAHM/WOHM status or even whether they had kids.

It can be overcome, but you have to find people who will confront it head on. I’ve found that the people most likely to engage in this pettiness and backbiting are the ones most determined to claim that there is no competition, that this is never a problem, that everyone loves and supports each other. Meanwhile, the person whose willing to say, “Yeah, sometimes I feel myself getting competitive or wanting to gossip, but I just remind myself that everyone is trying their best and kids move at their own pace,” is a keeper because she is actually self aware.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of older kids (third just finished elementary) and I've found that most of my "real" friendships with other moms really cam together once our kids were not friends and/or in the same social group or school.
Once any hit of competition was removed, true friendship developed organically.

[Anonymous]

My friends group is not competitive. No woman I’m close with is like that. At all. We care about one another. We were friends before kids but that’s not the point. Not all women are busted inside.

[Anonymous]

Yes I do feel this way OP. The PTO and swim team moms near me are very cliquey and not warm although they seem to like each other plenty. Even my book club is kind of like this so I don’t go that often. I do have singular friends who are moms that I like very much. But they are either the parent of one of my children’s friends or a former coworker or something like that.

[Anonymous]

My friends group is not competitive. No woman I’m close with is like that. At all. We care about one another. We were friends before kids but that’s not the point. Not all women are busted inside.

Actually that is the point! No one is talking about pre-kids friends who have just happened to become parents in the meantime...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM (and an immigrant) and I NEVER EVER joined a mom's group. The whole idea sounded ludicrous to me. What does a mom's group even mean?

I never felt that my kids had to be "socialized" with other kids. They got socialized with whoever they ran into - cousins, neighbors, family members, my friends etc. Yes, we went to the zoo, aquarium, parks, cinema, restaurants, birthday parties and sometimes we went with our friends who had kids. But it was mainly for us to catch up with the friends while still taking the kids with us. There was no expectation that the kids will learn to "socialize" with each other. They interacted with each other in the most organic manner.

Sure, I signed up for "mom and me" classes but that was all. I have a large group of people we socialize with friends, neighbors, coworkers, family...and that socializing was enough for my kids. Once they started to go to school they made friends and I was always an involved mama who volunteered to throw parties, be class parent, chaperone field trips. I am even friends with some parents whose kids are friends with my kids. But this whole "mom's group" vibe is weird to me.

You do have a mom group, it just happened organically. In fact that’s how most happen (for better or worse). How else do you hang out in these cliques? I’m not sure where there’s a sign up sheet to hang out with other kids parents at the playground.

Nope, I have a group of friends who may or may not have kids. I spend time with my friends and my kids are there with me. There are actual "Mom Groups" that people join up. Our neighbor did not allow her kids to come out and play with other children in the neighborhood but instead had joined a "mom's group". She returned back to Georgia after having three kids here because she did not have a support system. Bless her heart!

[Anonymous]

It's because we have nothing in common but giving birth the same year. Sometimes you can hit it off, but having a shared experience of "mom" doesn't mean much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The great news is that you don't have to make mom friends. There's no reason to join these mom groups or make friends with the mothers of your children's friends. None.

I wish this was the case. I didn’t fit into the moms group in my neighborhood, so my child was never invited to play groups, and they never accepted any of my invitations. Of course, they were all stay at her moms and I’m a working mom.
I do have other friends, but their children are different ages so it didn’t work that well when kids were younger and 2 years age difference was a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Mom's groups - is this a white women thing?

[Anonymous]

I think its the inorganic mom "group" that can be toxic. When there is a group, there is usually a ring leader who pulls a lot of strings and can toxify the whole lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom's groups - is this a white women thing?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom's groups - is this a white women thing?

White woman here. If it is, I must be out of the loop, because I haven’t heard of anything that’s like “Hi We’re Moms Let’s Form An Official Group”. I’ve only done the thing where you have a group playdate with the kids from preschool, or you see the moms of your kids’ friends at a birthday party and talk to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom's groups - is this a white women thing?

Yes.

Huh. The mommy/baby groups I did with all three kids were a good mix of African-American, Asian, Latina, and White women. Go figure.