Reply to Walk me through what I need to do to separate from husband

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As snarky as the person who told you to work on the marriage was, I agree with him/her.

If your husband can be a good dad, he can also be a good husband, he just needs to be told and learn what you want.  Nobody really tells you this, you are just expected to know which really isn’t fair.

What do you want to talk about with your husband? He’s not a girl, he won’t talk with you the way a woman would. Know this and what it means.

[b]I’m not a fan of yours because you haven’t even discussed how you’re feeling with your husband[/b]. You seem to expect him to seek full custidy which he’ll only get if you’ve done something bad involving kids. Have you? It’s an odd thingto worry about given what you’ve written. And, no I don’t believe that you are an anxious person who loves her kid, I think there is something going on with you that you know about which may be why you haven’t talked to a lawyer yet.

As for your kid, he won’t be happy going from house to house.  Maybe he will “just have to live with it” but he won’t like you too much once he figures out you left his father for some vague unhappiness reason.

Your dating pool won’t be like it was in your 20’s. Know this. 
Right now, I doubt you have the skills to be in a successful relationship with a new partner. 
Try with your husband since he sounds like a nice guy, you’re already married and you have a kid together.

[/quote]

I have discussed my feelings with him, but I did not mention yet that I am seriously considering divorce. I do not consider myself vaguely unhappy, [b]I consider myself unloved and constantly rejected[/b]. Our marriage is sexless and we barely talk to each other. I have not heard a compliment from him in probably years and he openly puts me down for my appearance (though I am very fit with no shortage of attention from other men that I really do not care about). I have made many attempts to try to get closer to him asking him to try a bit more himself  and he seems to agree and promises that he will try but then nothing changes and I feel like I am talking to a wall. I really do not want to shuffle my kid between two households, which is what has been holding me back from proceeding with this, but I also do not want to be frustrated and miserable for the rest of my life.  I also do not think observing this type of relationship dynamics is very healthy for my child. The reason I mention that he will want full custody is that I guess in part due to the distance between us he got very very attached to the kid. He loves to play with them while I am the one cooking, cleaning, running errands, preparing cards for teachers and what have you, which is also in part making me resentful.  I haven't done anything awful and I do not believe a judge would have any reason to not give a 50/50 custody, but I do expect my husband to battle me on that if I decide to proceed with divorce. [/quote]

can you elaborate on this?

no one can "make you feel" anything, you let them make you feel a certain way.  Unless he is actively insulting you, gaslighting you, or emotionally abusing you (which i doubt because of his ability to be a loving caring parent) .... you might benefit from some personal work before taking action.  I say this because I also feel unloved and rejected - i speak with my husband on this - but it falls on deaf ears.  I spoke with an attorney several months back to get my ducks in a line (similar questions, don't care about assets mainly care about custody and our co-owned primary residence) and it was very helpful and informative for our specific situation.  But I also did a lot of work on myself, and realizing that my insecure attachment is making me perceive his actions (or lack of them) as him not loving me and my fear of abandonment heightens my feelings of rejection.  Now I work on challenging those feelings, being more assertive about what i need (not want, need) from him, and we are beginning counseling next week.  I hope to salvage our family, but I more comfortable in my boundaries now.

I know it's cliche, but happiness comes from within.  You can't put the responsibility of your happiness in another person.  Our spouse can't be our "everything"

I would also recommend reading "How to improve you marriage without talking about it"

best of luck[/quote]

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