Is it wrong for me to deny my daughter love from her paternal grandparents?

[Anonymous]

What were in the forwards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was extremely abusive to me as a child. Physically and emotionally. I actually did a stint in foster care because the abuse was so extreme. We were estranged for most of my adult life. But even I would not deny my DD access to her grandmother (always supervised). They are actually very close and my mother is doing everything for DD that she could not do for me. And my baby deserves that.

I don’t mean to detail but I have a question about this. If your mother ever abused your daughter— even once— how would you be able to live with yourself putting your child with someone you knew was capable of abuse? I am struggling with this in my own life right now; I think my parent would never dare put a hand on my daughter but if I’m wrong, and my daughter is traumatized, how will I live with myself not protecting her?

Abuse is a totally different situation, and you are right to be on high-alert. If you choose to allow a relationship, you have to have strong boundaries and not allow them to be alone together; you can set conditions which are comfortable for you without guilt and your parent will have to accept them.

[Anonymous]

^and obviously it can be re-evaluated over time. You may decide to allow more contact, or even cut it off entirely, and it would all be okay. A history of abuse is different than what OP describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I also denied my in-laws the joy of having a relationship with my kids. They have nothing else to be proud of in the way of accomplishments. No good jobs, no wealth, no education, no connections. Mediocre people who feel most comfortable with other mediocre people. They are not abusive or dysfunctional, just average. Nothing to love for except for their kids or grandkids. So once MIL looked down on me for being snobby, I withdrew. My kids are adults and have minimal relationship and I’m not mad about it. We gave them so much more and my parents too.

So why couldn't you get a man from a better family? Why settle for a child of mediocre parents and carry forward their genes?

My DH is the oldest sibling and made his own way despite being on welfare and living in a trailer when he was young. He put himself through college and grad school and earns in the mid 6 figures. He is humble and generous and smart. His siblings did not fare so well.

No, he is not generous if he lets you cut him and his children off from his family for being “average” and having no wealth or connections. But since he makes mid six figures, I guess we know why someone as money focused as you was willing to settle for him, given his family. Hope your kids aren’t as snobby and gross as you are.