Do you judge people who grew up with horrible home lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure what you mean by judge. I certainly would not think worse of a person because of it. I would be happy to be friends or coworkers with someone from that background. However if I’m being honest I might be wary of dating someone with that messed up of a family life. However it sounds like you were already married so that’s not really an issue for you

I could be wrong, OP can clarify, but I think what they mean by judge is what you say about yourself - you'd be wary of dating someone who was abused as a child. If you'd be wary of dating someone like that, you're probably judging them in other areas of their lives too.

So it’s not that I would think poorly of a person for having that background. I would be worried that the scars they have from that could have ramifications for our own relationship. That’s partially because I have dated people from messed up backgrounds and it has shown up in our relationships. So is being wary fair? No, not at all. But having a messed up family background can definitely carry into your ability to have healthy relationships as an adult.

That's a fair concern. Every relationship involves some risk, and we're all managing that risk. All of us choose what level of risk we're willing to take on, and then we act on those choices.

[Anonymous]

Op if anything I would admire you.

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn’t judge as long as they are affected by it and have done counseling if they needed it. So many guys I dated or friends had a lot of issues and looking back, they needed to talk to someone.

It wasn’t what I wished for in a partner. I’m grateful dh didn’t come from abuse addiction or divorce. I’m very grateful for my in laws contributions in my kids lives. My mom came from a rough family and my entire childhood she said she was “modeling normalcy”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in an UMC community with people from mostly good homes and upbringings. I have a much different story. 3/5 members of my family died from addiction (parents and brother) and I had a tough life with a lot of abuse. It’s not something I talk about but have opened up to a few (handful) of close friends. I wonder if this is something someone would look down on me for or think less of me for.. looking for honest answers? I’m married with kids and from outside appearances look like everyone else but obviously my story is a bit darker.

Not only I would not look down at you, I would admire you even more for having being able to overcome a tough life growing up. you have a lot to be proud of and nothing to be ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine had a really shitty home life (including abuse) as did my FIL. I don’t judge them for that, but given history of them being abused (and explosive temper in my FIL), I don’t feel comfortable with them watching my kids alone / without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine had a really shitty home life (including abuse) as did my FIL. I don’t judge them for that, but given history of them being abused (and explosive temper in my FIL), I don’t feel comfortable with them watching my kids alone / without me.

Sorry, that really makes no sense, unless you see reasons to be wary of who the person has become (e.g. your FIL with an explosive temper). News flash--it is also possible for people to have serious problems who *weren't* raised with such a history. And you can't be sure that someone's background isn't what you think it is.

With both physical and sexual abuse, the vast majority of victims do NOT become abusers (and, according to one prospective study of a large male birth cohort, the percentage of sexual abuse victims who became offenders was in the very low single digits).

It's much more common for victims of childhood abuse to become adult victims of abuse.

I can imagine that for OP, the concern arises because people do have conversations that touch on their childhood experiences, even incidentally, so regardless of what you say in conversation you are conscious of the gaps between either your reality and what others share, or between your reality and what you choose to disclose. Example: coworkers, acquaintances, whoever, talk about their big holiday gathering and you're, say, one of the (seemingly pretty large) number of people on here who have cut off contact with their families.

[Anonymous]

^Also, people don't necessarily care to be viewed as poster children for what they overcame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would admire you and want to be your friend. I look like a generic fancy white lady, but my story is very different, too. People are often not what they seem.

Same here. Dark childhood full of neglect/emotional abuse and untreated mental health problems all around. I keep it close to my chest - only a few people very close to me know. I'm always in awe when I hear people talk about their happy childhood and wonder if they know not everyone had a similar experience.

[Anonymous]

Never. I have so many friends in similar shoes. Anything from emotional abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, to sexual abuse, being sold to other men, etc. That these people have managed to overcome so much always makes me so proud of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I too have a background full of abuse and addiction in my family of origin but not my family now.

I try to keep it private. Not because I fear being judged, but because there is so little understanding of these issues in the general population. I don’t want to assume that friends can support me if they don’t know what I’m talking about. I choose my support carefully.

+1. Only crappy people would judge you, OP. There are also a lot of people who won't admit or acknowledge the abuse or dysfunction in their own homes. Some actively attempt to silence or blame the victims when they try to speak up later. Those tend to be the ones that will be judgmental to you and are obsessed with projecting perfection to the rest of the world.

Someone's reaction to your story is a great and quick way of weeding out people who aren't real friends or aren't good people. My parent suffered a medical emergency-very clearly not their fault-and I absolutely dropped the person who said it was. When I explained, using actual medical background that it was literally impossible for it to be their fault, their response was "well, it must have been their fault somehow". Sometimes people are obsessed with blaming others because it means they are in total control. If they just follow XYZ, they will never experience abuse, being cheated on, sexual assault, or any other misfortune. I see it most with sexual assault victims.

Most people-good people-will be empathetic and not judge you. Things happen. Life is more nuanced and complex than some people pretend it is. People don't control or choose their FOO. That said, before you disclose-sometimes you don't know how stressed your friends are. A friend was not able to support me when I needed it but it turns out she tried to commit suicide a week or so later. There weren't any clues that she was struggling (covid distance makes establishing normalcy in relationships hard in a lot of ways, I think) so I try to make it clear before I ask someone for emotional support. It's okay for them to tell me they aren't in a good position to offer that right then and sometimes I have to do the same.

I rarely judge but it depends on the situation and never the victim or the children in the situation. Sometimes I blame the parent. Mostly I blame the people who watched and did nothing-like the school counselor my friend confessed she was being beaten and sexually abused by her step-parent to who did nothing and then actively tried to cover it up because she knew a relative of the step-parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine had a really shitty home life (including abuse) as did my FIL. I don’t judge them for that, but given history of them being abused (and explosive temper in my FIL), I don’t feel comfortable with them watching my kids alone / without me.

This makes no sense. Your FIL, sure, because of their temper but why your friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do I judge you? No. Of course not. But I don't want to hear about your dark past, especially not over and over again.

If you want to fit in, don't make it part of current conversation. If you need help getting over it and moving on, talk to a therapist.

You sound like such a sweet, empathetic soul. Salt of the earth for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would admire you and want to be your friend. I look like a generic fancy white lady, but my story is very different, too. People are often not what they seem.

Same here. Dark childhood full of neglect/emotional abuse and untreated mental health problems all around. I keep it close to my chest - only a few people very close to me know. I'm always in awe when I hear people talk about their happy childhood and wonder if they know not everyone had a similar experience.

Sometimes they are just sharing happy moments. Everyone copes with trauma differently. Some people deny and delude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I judge them positively. Every other person (including me) who is doing well was born on third and is pretending they hit a home run. You actually did.

Thank you, PP.

[Anonymous]

I would never think less of you for anything in your past upbringing.