Reply to Do you judge people who grew up with horrible home lives?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I too have a background full of abuse and addiction in my family of origin but not my family now.

I try to keep it private. Not because I fear being judged, but because there is so little understanding of these issues in the general population. I don’t want to assume that friends can support me if they don’t know what I’m talking about. I choose my support carefully. [/quote]

+1. Only crappy people would judge you, OP. There are also a lot of people who won't admit or acknowledge the abuse or dysfunction in their own homes. Some actively attempt to silence or blame the victims when they try to speak up later. Those tend to be the ones that will be judgmental to you and are obsessed with projecting perfection to the rest of the world.

Someone's reaction to your story is a great and quick way of weeding out people who aren't real friends or aren't good people. My parent suffered a medical emergency-very clearly not their fault-and I absolutely dropped the person who said it was. When I explained, using actual medical background that it was literally impossible for it to be their fault, their response was "well, it must have been their fault somehow". Sometimes people are obsessed with blaming others because it means they are in total control. If they just follow XYZ, they will never experience abuse, being cheated on, sexual assault, or any other misfortune. I see it most with sexual assault victims.

Most people-good people-will be empathetic and not judge you. Things happen. Life is more nuanced and complex than some people pretend it is. People don't control or choose their FOO.  That said, before you disclose-sometimes you don't know how stressed your friends are. A friend was not able to support me when I needed it but it turns out she tried to commit suicide a week or so later. There weren't any clues that she was struggling (covid distance makes establishing normalcy in relationships hard in a lot of ways, I think) so I try to make it clear before I ask someone for emotional support. It's okay for them to tell me they aren't in a good position to offer that right then and sometimes I have to do the same.

I rarely judge but it depends on the situation and never the victim or the children in the situation. Sometimes I blame the parent. Mostly I blame the people who watched and did nothing-like the school counselor my friend confessed she was being beaten and sexually abused by her step-parent to who did nothing and then actively tried to cover it up because she knew a relative of the step-parent.[/quote]

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