Do you judge people who grew up with horrible home lives?

[Anonymous]

I live in an UMC community with people from mostly good homes and upbringings. I have a much different story. 3/5 members of my family died from addiction (parents and brother) and I had a tough life with a lot of abuse. It’s not something I talk about but have opened up to a few (handful) of close friends. I wonder if this is something someone would look down on me for or think less of me for.. looking for honest answers? I’m married with kids and from outside appearances look like everyone else but obviously my story is a bit darker.

[Anonymous]

I would not judge you for what you went though. I might even be in awe of your survival skills. You might be surprised by how many people whose lives appear comfortable have “darker” stories too.

[Anonymous]

No, my spouse grew up like that.

[Anonymous]

No, I would admire you for overcoming your circumstances. I do judge the bad parents who allow their kids to grow up in bad situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in an UMC community with people from mostly good homes and upbringings. I have a much different story. 3/5 members of my family died from addiction (parents and brother) and I had a tough life with a lot of abuse. It’s not something I talk about but have opened up to a few (handful) of close friends. I wonder if this is something someone would look down on me for or think less of me for.. looking for honest answers? I’m married with kids and from outside appearances look like everyone else but obviously my story is a bit darker.

I would not personally judge you; however, if possible (children’s ages and what they’ve witnessed dependent) I would limit what I told my children. Parents worry about their kids’ friends despite intellectually understanding family dysfunction is commonplace.

[Anonymous]

How did you get together with your spouse and did they know about your family at the time?

I’m asking because my now spouse broke up with me when we were dating because they just couldn’t handle my crazy home life. They went about a year and then pleaded with me to take them back because they were so sorry and missed me so much.

They never let me know at the time why they were ghosting me, but now that I know, it hurts a lot. You can’t help who your family is, and it is annoying to be judged for something you have no control over.

[Anonymous]

No, I judge their parents.

[Anonymous]

How the hell would you know what kind of upbringings people had? Newsflash: People LIE.

It sounds like you are insecure about your childhood. You should have the attitude that you're proud of yourself for getting out of that environment and stopping a cycle of addiction (if in fact you are).

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what you mean by judge. I certainly would not think worse of a person because of it. I would be happy to be friends or coworkers with someone from that background. However if I’m being honest I might be wary of dating someone with that messed up of a family life. However it sounds like you were already married so that’s not really an issue for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I judge their parents.

I do, to an extent. At some point, self-introspection is in order for meaningful growth. Sure some of us get a push on the swing or a good head start, but change is available to everyone that has the courage to face uncertainty. Which is usually just uncertain to the person — because they never took a leap of faith to try to heal from their hurt, so they wouldn’t hurt other people.

When you know better, you do better. Some people have never been told. Others have no excuse.

It’s very hard for me to not judge Javanka. It is hard to not judge Ted Bundy or Hitler, no matter how scarred their backgrounds were. We all have some sort of flaw in our past whether inherited or invoked. Adults learning how to break free from the remnants of a horrible childhood have all of my admiration. Those that expect for others to assimilate with expressions of their brokenness - I don’t judge but I don’t have sympathy. All work is work and their choice not to take responsibility in being a better person is pretty distasteful to me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I too have a background full of abuse and addiction in my family of origin but not my family now.

I try to keep it private. Not because I fear being judged, but because there is so little understanding of these issues in the general population. I don’t want to assume that friends can support me if they don’t know what I’m talking about. I choose my support carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure what you mean by judge. I certainly would not think worse of a person because of it. I would be happy to be friends or coworkers with someone from that background. However if I’m being honest I might be wary of dating someone with that messed up of a family life. However it sounds like you were already married so that’s not really an issue for you

I think that during dating it can be a deal breaker because of the potential baggage from the family and emotional scars on the victim. A lot of induring shame is bestowed upon the victims.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not - no judgment.

[Anonymous]

I would admire you and want to be your friend. I look like a generic fancy white lady, but my story is very different, too. People are often not what they seem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you get together with your spouse and did they know about your family at the time?

I’m asking because my now spouse broke up with me when we were dating because they just couldn’t handle my crazy home life. They went about a year and then pleaded with me to take them back because they were so sorry and missed me so much.

They never let me know at the time why they were ghosting me, but now that I know, it hurts a lot. You can’t help who your family is, and it is annoying to be judged for something you have no control over.

Why did you take them back? I would have said “Bye! You had your chance!”