s/o Is it really a status thing to have 3+ kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are European "intellectuals" if you will. In their circles, it was definitely a fashionable thing not to have kids and if you did, to stop at one. I wonder how many people deeply regret their choices in life that they made to achieve some kind of made up "status."

Northern European professionals REALLY look down on anyone with more than 2 kids, sometimes even one. DH works for a Northern European company and most of the execs I've met have one kid. It's part of why they can afford such good maternity/paternity benefits for white-collar workers--social shaming if you have too many kids.

European PP here - in my parents' case, it was the literature/philosophy/arts circles that have Paris as their epicenter. Didn't realize it extended into the corporate world. I'm an only child, and my mother has only lately lamented not having another (perhaps after seeing her two grandkids and the fact that I haven't suddenly become an idiot?). As for maternity/paternity benefits, that's all well and good until you realize you don't have anyone to pay into the pension funds...

[Anonymous]

I feel like it’s actually an anti-status thing if you associate with normal people... whenever I say we have 4 I get incredulous (maybe judgey?) looks. I don’t know if they’re judging because they think we’re nuts or secretly rich, but I usually get a “whoa” reaction. Also maybe they are judging us on our environmental factor although if they brought it up I could name many reasons how we actually had a smaller footprint than most families.

FWIW we are not religious and we’re not super rich, but we may be nuts. I have always been envious of big families but we never set out to have 4, we decided one child at a time. Thought I was done at 2, then 3, and now I’m 99% sure we’re done at 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is, but only if the kids/family unit are well groomed, high functioning. If the mom is a thin high powered career women and she still manages to have 4 well adjusted good looking kids.. then yes-- I think others will look at her enviously

Agree with this idea. If you have three kids but send them to public school, not a status thing. If you have three kids but don't travel internationally on a regular basis, not a status thing. If you have three kids but don't ferry them around in a BMW X7 or similar, not a status thing. If you have three kids but they're unkempt and dress poorly, not a status thing. So for most people, having three kids isn't a status thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Status, no? Hot mess, yes.

I know no one with 3+ kids that doesn't struggle a lot. Even the people with nannies struggle

Hmm, I have plenty of friends with 3+ kids who don't struggle. Kids in private school, some moms work while others don't. Lots of vacations, and big, beautiful houses. Sure they struggle with some things just like every human being does, but they're not remotely hot messes. Actually, some of the moms I can think of are the most attractive and well put together friends I have. Kudos to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always assume 3+ kids is Jesus worshippers. I never think they’re upper class.

I know many families with 3 kids- no religious affiliations. 4 kids can go either way. 5+ definitely some fundamental religious beliefs going on

I don't know any religious affiliations with the 3 or 4 kid families I know. 5 and up are either Catholic or Mormon.

[Anonymous]

For me, I wanted to have 3 kids or more so that I could have a home bursting with love and lots of personalities and fun. I couldn’t afford to do more than 3 kids and live in this area, and I felt really overwhelmed after having my third because he had a lot of sleep issues and other health issues. If money were no object and I could have quit my career, then I would have definitely gone for 4. It’s hard work raising kids but they are not “status symbols” to me - they are a gift and what gives my life purpose. We do public schools and my kids aren’t the best dressed and, because I work, they have less parental attention than they otherwise would. But they have each other and I don’t have any regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status, no? Hot mess, yes.

I know no one with 3+ kids that doesn't struggle a lot. Even the people with nannies struggle

Hmm, I have plenty of friends with 3+ kids who don't struggle. Kids in private school, some moms work while others don't. Lots of vacations, and big, beautiful houses. Sure they struggle with some things just like every human being does, but they're not remotely hot messes. Actually, some of the moms I can think of are the most attractive and well put together friends I have. Kudos to them.

+1 Most of my friends have 3-4 kids and they are all doing perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status, no? Hot mess, yes.

I know no one with 3+ kids that doesn't struggle a lot. Even the people with nannies struggle

Hmm, I have plenty of friends with 3+ kids who don't struggle. Kids in private school, some moms work while others don't. Lots of vacations, and big, beautiful houses. Sure they struggle with some things just like every human being does, but they're not remotely hot messes. Actually, some of the moms I can think of are the most attractive and well put together friends I have. Kudos to them.

That's because they all seem to have hired help.

[Anonymous]

We have four who are now full grown. We started young and unplanned but were committed to make it work. DH worked hard and went on to a lucrative but stressful career, which he never really wanted. I became a SAHM, which also was not in my plans. We made good money and were smart with it. Nice NOVA suburb in a house worth less than we could afford. Kids attended top ranked publics, did well, and went on to VA's best state colleges. No privates for us, but lots and lots of travel that built lasting memories and tight relationships.

Now it's all behind us (including the stressful job and the SAHM things) and in hindsight we wouldn't have had it any other way. The child rearing years and everything that comes with it seems endless when you're in the middle of it all, but it's really pretty fleeting in the overall scheme of things. And the payoff is huge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status, no? Hot mess, yes.

I know no one with 3+ kids that doesn't struggle a lot. Even the people with nannies struggle

Hmm, I have plenty of friends with 3+ kids who don't struggle. Kids in private school, some moms work while others don't. Lots of vacations, and big, beautiful houses. Sure they struggle with some things just like every human being does, but they're not remotely hot messes. Actually, some of the moms I can think of are the most attractive and well put together friends I have. Kudos to them.

That's because they all seem to have hired help.

Some do, some don’t. Some have a stay at home mom, some don’t. Same as other households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always assume 3+ kids is Jesus worshippers. I never think they’re upper class.

I know many families with 3 kids- no religious affiliations. 4 kids can go either way. 5+ definitely some fundamental religious beliefs going on

I don't know any religious affiliations with the 3 or 4 kid families I know. 5 and up are either Catholic or Mormon.

Or had surprise multiples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Status, no? Hot mess, yes.

I know no one with 3+ kids that doesn't struggle a lot. Even the people with nannies struggle

Hmm, I have plenty of friends with 3+ kids who don't struggle. Kids in private school, some moms work while others don't. Lots of vacations, and big, beautiful houses. Sure they struggle with some things just like every human being does, but they're not remotely hot messes. Actually, some of the moms I can think of are the most attractive and well put together friends I have. Kudos to them.

That's because they all seem to have hired help.

Actually, the ones I know who are SAHMs don't have childcare help, although I bet they have maids. But even so, what does that have to do with the first post? It didn't say that poor moms with more than three kids are hot messes. It said all moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, I wanted to have 3 kids or more so that I could have a home bursting with love and lots of personalities and fun. I couldn’t afford to do more than 3 kids and live in this area, and I felt really overwhelmed after having my third because he had a lot of sleep issues and other health issues. If money were no object and I could have quit my career, then I would have definitely gone for 4. It’s hard work raising kids but they are not “status symbols” to me - they are a gift and what gives my life purpose. We do public schools and my kids aren’t the best dressed and, because I work, they have less parental attention than they otherwise would. But they have each other and I don’t have any regrets.

This and 10:14 above were such beautiful posts. I'm probably PMSing but you almost brought tears to my eyes. We only have two, started late and have had some health scares so we are stopping here. I am counting my blessings because both kids seem so good natured so far, but I would have loved a life with a few more kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have four who are now full grown. We started young and unplanned but were committed to make it work. DH worked hard and went on to a lucrative but stressful career, which he never really wanted. I became a SAHM, which also was not in my plans. We made good money and were smart with it. Nice NOVA suburb in a house worth less than we could afford. Kids attended top ranked publics, did well, and went on to VA's best state colleges. No privates for us, but lots and lots of travel that built lasting memories and tight relationships.

Now it's all behind us (including the stressful job and the SAHM things) and in hindsight we wouldn't have had it any other way. The child rearing years and everything that comes with it seems endless when you're in the middle of it all, but it's really pretty fleeting in the overall scheme of things. And the payoff is huge.

Where did you travel with your big family? We have 4 and are considering the private school thing once the oldest hits middle... but I also want them to travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four who are now full grown. We started young and unplanned but were committed to make it work. DH worked hard and went on to a lucrative but stressful career, which he never really wanted. I became a SAHM, which also was not in my plans. We made good money and were smart with it. Nice NOVA suburb in a house worth less than we could afford. Kids attended top ranked publics, did well, and went on to VA's best state colleges. No privates for us, but lots and lots of travel that built lasting memories and tight relationships.

Now it's all behind us (including the stressful job and the SAHM things) and in hindsight we wouldn't have had it any other way. The child rearing years and everything that comes with it seems endless when you're in the middle of it all, but it's really pretty fleeting in the overall scheme of things. And the payoff is huge.

Where did you travel with your big family? We have 4 and are considering the private school thing once the oldest hits middle... but I also want them to travel.

DP. I have 3 and not 4, but we have to usually book two rooms at a hotel so adding a fourth to our three kids wouldn't be an issue. It's definitely harder than traveling as a party of four, even simple things like finding a table large enough for us in a typical European restaurant and needing to find two Ubers instead of one. If we can find an Air B&B type of place rather than a hotel, that helps too - depends on where we are going. It can be a little trickier and more expensive, but it's manageable.

FYI private schools usually offer opportunities for school travel over spring break (global learning programs) so that's another way for your child to see new places, often for academic credit.